Flippered pirates on the west coast

Sea lions live up to their name as the lions of the sea. They prey on unsuspecting sea zebras and sea antelope, travel in prides and have been known to stalk and attack human children. Apparently, they are also known for their intellect.

A sea lion in Washington state illegally boarded a passenger vessel, probably intending to take the family on board as hostages and for money or a prisoner exchange. Luckily, after an hour long battle, the coup attempt was repelled, and the sea lion went back into the water.

The only problem is, it then let out its mighty sea lion roar and climbed up the boat’s ladder. The shoddy journalism of USA Today fails to tell us what happened after the family was re-boarded, we are left to assume that the U.S. Coast Guard came in and terminated the threat posed by the beast.

When life gives you limes, save the world

You’re tired of 7Up, aren’t you? Not to mention, it’s getting to be late July and you’re already sick of Corona. What are you going to do with all of those limes? Perhaps it’s time you got working on reducing that carbon footprint of yours.

That’s right, the same thing Bud Light has been adding to their product to make it seem enjoyable can help you save the planet. Scientists say adding lime to ocean water may reduce carbon emissions, thereby letting Republicans the oil industry get back to making its money killing us all.

The scientists said they came up with the idea after several rounds passing around a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a recent bender.

“Dude, we should, like, totally add limes into the ocean. HAHAHAHAHA. And then, and then, no, no wait, listen you guys. SHHHHH! And then, all the acid would, like, eat away all the carbon when it rains, and–SHUT UP! And then it would make the world totally safer for everyone.”

(Via Gizmodo)

Unconvential weapons finally in use

The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.

That’s why we’re hitting those we can’t really reach with chemicals like fire retardants. Yes, we are now attacking deep sea squid and octopi with chemical runoff from our shores. There is no telling yet what kind of effect our efforts will have on them and the rest of the cowards trying to hide from the war deep beneath the waves. We will fight them wherever we have to until the last one is dead.

Let’s just hope the chemicals don’t make these things colossal or super-intelligent.

The sea is teeming with lethal life

We’ve been covering the dangers of the ocean a lot lately, but there seems to be more happening this time of year in the warmer seas and the cold depths, where animals are designed to withstand such harsh climate.

On this front, we have some shocking news to report: killer jellyfish are real and they seem to be breeding like rabbits. Yes, these things are not only weird looking, they can also kill you with a single sting and they happen to be having something of a baby boom. They are no doubt massing for an all-out assault on our shores. Just remember this: they can’t hurt you on land.

However, animals are not the only ones making moves in the war at sea. Swedish scientists are planning to launch 60 fish in a rocket from Antarctica. It’s nice to see the Swedes finally join us in our fight, and making an entrance with marked creativity. Sure, the scientists say it’s an experiment to figure out motion sickness, but we know better. It’s called sending a message.