Things always get weird around the World Cup. It’s been eight years since Paul the Octopus correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches, and then died. A new octopus has risen to the challenge, and got straight-up murdered for it.
Rabiot correctly predicted all three of Japan’s matches in the opening round of the 2018 World Cup, but his psychic abilities and sudden game weren’t enough to save his life. The giant Pacific octopus was chopped up and sent to the market as seafood, according to reports.
The Guys, of course, cheer Japan’s decision to treat its food like food, no matter how endearing it might become. We can’t risk having psychic octopi living long enough to overtake us.
There are a lot of weird looking animals on this planet. Sometimes we even say they look like aliens. It’s possible we’ve been right the whole time.
According to a study published in a peer-reviewed journal, squid and octopi may have come from outer space. Octopi have the ability to edit their own RNA, which is an ability not found in any other branch of the animal kingdom. Given that recent studies have found that it is possible for organic molecules to exist in space, researchers argue that life may have come from other worlds. They argue that the scientific community can not rule out that squid or octopus eggs, or even the animals themselves, came to Earth millions and millions of years ago this way.
The threat octopi pose to the human race is vast. These things are smart, lethal, multi-appendaged, and have no bones. (Not to mention souls, but then again, no animal has a soul.)
Earlier this week, we told you about a small octopus wreaking havoc in Santa Monica, California, so it seems we close out the week on the East Coast. Truman is an eight-armed inmate at the New England Aquarium Penitentiary in Boston. As a gag, some of the aquarium workers put a clear plastic box, roughly the size of a lunch box, with a smaller box inside containing crabs in Truman’s tank. The outer box was even locked. Normally, this is a fun prank to play on an animal. “You want the food? You can’t get the food” techniques are used the world over and legal under the Geneva Convention.
The War on Animals does not give us the advantage of numbers, however, it does give us the advantage of smarts. It is important that we keep that advantage, lest we concede the high ground (but not the moral high ground) to the enemy.
That’s why we need to burn down European sea research “centres.” They are giving Rubik’s cubes to octopi allegedly to see if they have a preferred arm, you know, right, right right, right right right, right right right right, left, left left, left left left or left left left left. If these things start figuring out Rubik’s cubes, that makes them smarter than most people, which is a hazard we cannot afford.
The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.