The McBournie Minute: 3 of the biggest ways animals threaten our existence

With fall firmly in place in the Northern Hemisphere, it seems reasonable to think that the War on Animals is going to start winding down for the year. But that would assume that our animal foes are reasonable. Rather than slowing things down, they’re going into high gear, in one big push before they all go into hibernation for the winter.

I don’t need to remind you, dear reader, of the threat posed by every single animal that exists on this planet. The numerous species are working in concert to overthrow we humans as the rulers of Earth. One would think such a goal would be easily accomplished, since we are so outnumbered, but we are ever-vigilant, and animals are dumber than we give them credit for.

Do your part, and get caught up on the latest threats to civilization as we know it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 3 of the biggest ways animals threaten our existence

Killer octopus could be hiding in your lunch box

The threat octopi pose to the human race is vast. These things are smart, lethal, multi-appendaged, and have no bones. (Not to mention souls, but then again, no animal has a soul.)

Earlier this week, we told you about a small octopus wreaking havoc in Santa Monica, California, so it seems we close out the week on the East Coast. Truman is an eight-armed inmate at the New England Aquarium Penitentiary in Boston. As a gag, some of the aquarium workers put a clear plastic box, roughly the size of a lunch box, with a smaller box inside containing crabs in Truman’s tank. The outer box was even locked. Normally, this is a fun prank to play on an animal. “You want the food? You can’t get the food” techniques are used the world over and legal under the Geneva Convention.

But Truman turned the prank around into something frightening. He squeezed himself through a two-inch hole in the outer box. However, he was unable to figure out how to get into the crab box. This should serve as a reminder that octopi can be anywhere, waiting to strike.

Next they’ll learn to juggle

The War on Animals does not give us the advantage of numbers, however, it does give us the advantage of smarts. It is important that we keep that advantage, lest we concede the high ground (but not the moral high ground) to the enemy.

That’s why we need to burn down European sea research “centres.” They are giving Rubik’s cubes to octopi allegedly to see if they have a preferred arm, you know, right, right right, right right right, right right right right, left, left left, left left left or left left left left. If these things start figuring out Rubik’s cubes, that makes them smarter than most people, which is a hazard we cannot afford.

Unconvential weapons finally in use

The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.

That’s why we’re hitting those we can’t really reach with chemicals like fire retardants. Yes, we are now attacking deep sea squid and octopi with chemical runoff from our shores. There is no telling yet what kind of effect our efforts will have on them and the rest of the cowards trying to hide from the war deep beneath the waves. We will fight them wherever we have to until the last one is dead.

Let’s just hope the chemicals don’t make these things colossal or super-intelligent.