Remember Paul the psychic octopus? He correctly guessed all eight (Octopus. Eight. Get it?) of Germany’s games in the World Cup, as well as Spain’s win in the final round. (I checked with the experts, and it appears that wins and losses can actually happen in soccer.)
If there is one thing the Germans hate, it’s losing. And rather than blame the refs, the coaches or even the players, they have fixed their attention on Paul and want to grill him up to teach him a lesson. Citizens and newspapers alike are calling for his head-like thing.
These animal bastards are even messing with our sporting events!
The threat octopi pose to the human race is vast. These things are smart, lethal, multi-appendaged, and have no bones. (Not to mention souls, but then again, no animal has a soul.)
Earlier this week, we told you about a small octopus wreaking havoc in Santa Monica, California, so it seems we close out the week on the East Coast. Truman is an eight-armed inmate at the New England Aquarium Penitentiary in Boston. As a gag, some of the aquarium workers put a clear plastic box, roughly the size of a lunch box, with a smaller box inside containing crabs in Truman’s tank. The outer box was even locked. Normally, this is a fun prank to play on an animal. “You want the food? You can’t get the food” techniques are used the world over and legal under the Geneva Convention.
But Truman turned the prank around into something frightening. He squeezed himself through a two-inch hole in the outer box. However, he was unable to figure out how to get into the crab box. This should serve as a reminder that octopi can be anywhere, waiting to strike.
There are few animals we have warned you about more than octopi. They are intelligent, dangerous creatures who are the most likely to cause us harm because no one suspects the threat they pose.
We now take you to an aquarium in Santa Monica, where a single octopus lead an attempted jailbreak, in doing so caused a lot of damage. The octopus, despite its small size, pulled on a valve in its tank, letting in hundreds of gallons into its tank and causing it to overflow. The good news is that no sea prisoners at the aquarium escaped, the bad news is that none were killed, either.
Furthermore, the salt water, which ended up being an inch or two deep throughout the building, damaged some newly-installed cork flooring. Wait — you install cork, which can be damaged by water, in an aquarium?
Where I work, at times I’ve been privy to discussion about what animal is the smartest. Quickly, the dog is brought up as a nominee, and just as quickly, it’s shot down in lieu of the pig. At times, other people have brought up chimpanzees, gibbons, mockingbirds, kookaburras and even cats (which are simply more sadistic than intelligent, I say). Now, it would seem that there’s enough creature to add to the list: the octopus.
And it’s not just smart–it’s terrifying. Like a velociraptor.
Example: meet Otto. As an octopus at the Sea Star Aquarium in Germany, one would be excused to think that he wouldn’t be up to much trouble during the winter period of the year.
Otto has taken it upon himself to climb to the rim of his tank and knock out a light simply by squirting water at it. The reason being theorized? He’s annoyed at it. This is cause for alarm, people. The animals are clearly trying to move past their own boundaries. Germany, you need to wake up and smell the calamari (or, at least the theoretical essence of it). Who knows how long before he climbs out out of the tank and kills people simply because they “annoy him?” As SG friend Groonk said, they may be attempting to surpass our intelligence on an evolutionary scale. We cannot have that. This is a war, people, and it’s time to take some action.
(Credit to Groonk for the article link)
The War on Animals does not give us the advantage of numbers, however, it does give us the advantage of smarts. It is important that we keep that advantage, lest we concede the high ground (but not the moral high ground) to the enemy.
That’s why we need to burn down European sea research “centres.” They are giving Rubik’s cubes to octopi allegedly to see if they have a preferred arm, you know, right, right right, right right right, right right right right, left, left left, left left left or left left left left. If these things start figuring out Rubik’s cubes, that makes them smarter than most people, which is a hazard we cannot afford.
Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.
First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.
What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.
It’s not often entire countries get behind a movement enough that one can associate the whole nation with that particular cause. This week, The Guys are proud to announce one country has done such a thing for the good of the War on Animals. That country is: Norway!
One lobby group has come up with a slogan so genius, it could become the war’s rally cry, or simply just make people’s heads explode. Their slogan: “Eat whale and save the planet.”
You read that correctly. A pro-whaling lobby group is trying to convince Norwegian lawmakers that it is better for the environment to eat whale meat, than to sustain cows, chickens and other livestock, with the intent to kill them for their meat. This blog think the argument is retarded, but will fully endorse any chance to wipe out the whale population once and for all! Perhaps the U.S. Navy could lend a hand.
In other European aquatic animal-related news: scientists have found the first-ever six legged octopus. Henry the
octopus hexapus is in England. Why not call it a sexapus? Because “Sexapus” is the name of my upcoming debut album.