Octopi learn to walk on land; nice knowing you all

Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.

In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.

These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.

Humanity in peril after octopus escapes aquarium

Folks, there’s just no way around it, we’ve had an escape from one of the highest security aquariums in New Zealand. Inky the octopus is at large.

The story reads like long series of errors on the warden’s part. Inky the octopus had capture the hearts and minds of many kiwis. So much so they everyone kind of ignored him in a back room. Authorities say Inky, who was serving time at the National Aquarium of New Zealnd, escaped his tank by squeezing through small gap between the tank and its lid. Security lapse, right there. He then made his way across the floor a matter of feet and made it to a drain pipe that flows out into the ocean. Really, warden? You dug the prisoners an escape tunnel?

And now it turns out that this daring escape happened months ago. New Zealand is only now reporting to the world that a deadly octopus that now knows our secrets has been out there, swimming in the ocean, posing a threat to all humanity. Way to go, kiwis. (You’re welcome for not saying “eight-armed and dangerous.)

h/t James

Ghost octopus yet another problem for humanity

Scientists were not able to eat the octopus while it was vulnerable.
Scientists were not able to eat the octopus while it was vulnerable.

Monsters are everywhere. The government just don’t want you to know about it. No, they want you to believe that every ghost has been busted, but it’s not true. They’re just haunting the ocean.

Off the coast of Hawaii, researchers have found an octopus far deeper than it should be. What’s worse, it seems very ghostly — giving off a bluish, yet transparent glow. Scientists are completely baffled. These things are even sneakier than we thought.

In somewhat related news, a 73-year-old who served in the U.K.’s special ops group has made a whale-shaped boat and plans to track whales across the Atlantic Ocean in it. At least someone’s willing to fight back.

(h/t to Hubie)

Animals hate Valentine’s Day, too

The Guys hope that all of you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day — or, if you’re one of those bitter people who hates the holiday, we hope you posted that sweet dig you’ve been saving up for months. Animals like love, too. But many were jilted over the weekend.

In China, a female elephant named Zhusunya decided to ruin people’s day by trashing a bunch of parked cars. Why? Because she’s not getting any. According to Chinese media, Zhusunya is in heat and acting a little crazy right now. She left an area where elephants usually hang out and headed down a crowded tourist street, taking out her frustration on about 15 cars.

Meanwhile, the Seattle Aquarium wouldn’t let Kong the male octopus mate with any females because handlers were afraid he would eat his potential baby mamas.

You’re not the only one sexually frustrated, it seems.

Let’s see if he can predict the outcome of this

Remember Paul the psychic octopus? He correctly guessed all eight (Octopus. Eight. Get it?) of Germany’s games in the World Cup, as well as Spain’s win in the final round. (I checked with the experts, and it appears that wins and losses can actually happen in soccer.)

If there is one thing the Germans hate, it’s losing. And rather than blame the refs, the coaches or even the players, they have fixed their attention on Paul and want to grill him up to teach him a lesson. Citizens and newspapers alike are calling for his head-like thing.

These animal bastards are even messing with our sporting events!

Killer octopus could be hiding in your lunch box

The threat octopi pose to the human race is vast. These things are smart, lethal, multi-appendaged, and have no bones. (Not to mention souls, but then again, no animal has a soul.)

Earlier this week, we told you about a small octopus wreaking havoc in Santa Monica, California, so it seems we close out the week on the East Coast. Truman is an eight-armed inmate at the New England Aquarium Penitentiary in Boston. As a gag, some of the aquarium workers put a clear plastic box, roughly the size of a lunch box, with a smaller box inside containing crabs in Truman’s tank. The outer box was even locked. Normally, this is a fun prank to play on an animal. “You want the food? You can’t get the food” techniques are used the world over and legal under the Geneva Convention.

But Truman turned the prank around into something frightening. He squeezed himself through a two-inch hole in the outer box. However, he was unable to figure out how to get into the crab box. This should serve as a reminder that octopi can be anywhere, waiting to strike.

Imagine what a big one could do

There are few animals we have warned you about more than octopi. They are intelligent, dangerous creatures who are the most likely to cause us harm because no one suspects the threat they pose.

We now take you to an aquarium in Santa Monica, where a single octopus lead an attempted jailbreak, in doing so caused a lot of damage. The octopus, despite its small size, pulled on a valve in its tank, letting in hundreds of gallons into its tank and causing it to overflow. The good news is that no sea prisoners at the aquarium escaped, the bad news is that none were killed, either.

Furthermore, the salt water, which ended up being an inch or two deep throughout the building, damaged some newly-installed cork flooring. Wait — you install cork, which can be damaged by water, in an aquarium?

‘Why so many arms? The better to kill you with, my dear.’

Where I work, at times I’ve been privy to discussion about what animal is the smartest. Quickly, the dog is brought up as a nominee, and just as quickly, it’s shot down in lieu of the pig. At times, other people have brought up chimpanzees, gibbons, mockingbirds, kookaburras and even cats (which are simply more sadistic than intelligent, I say). Now, it would seem that there’s enough creature to add to the list: the octopus.

And it’s not just smart–it’s terrifying. Like a velociraptor.

Example: meet Otto. As an octopus at the Sea Star Aquarium in Germany, one would be excused to think that he wouldn’t be up to much trouble during the winter period of the year.

Wrong.

Otto has taken it upon himself to climb to the rim of his tank and knock out a light simply by squirting water at it. The reason being theorized? He’s annoyed at it. This is cause for alarm, people. The animals are clearly trying to move past their own boundaries. Germany, you need to wake up and smell the calamari (or, at least the theoretical essence of it). Who knows how long before he climbs out out of the tank and kills people simply because they “annoy him?” As SG friend Groonk said, they may be attempting to surpass our intelligence on an evolutionary scale. We cannot have that. This is a war, people, and it’s time to take some action.

(Credit to Groonk for the article link)

Next they’ll learn to juggle

The War on Animals does not give us the advantage of numbers, however, it does give us the advantage of smarts. It is important that we keep that advantage, lest we concede the high ground (but not the moral high ground) to the enemy.

That’s why we need to burn down European sea research “centres.” They are giving Rubik’s cubes to octopi allegedly to see if they have a preferred arm, you know, right, right right, right right right, right right right right, left, left left, left left left or left left left left. If these things start figuring out Rubik’s cubes, that makes them smarter than most people, which is a hazard we cannot afford.

Octopi: Moral degenerates

Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.

First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.

What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.