Finally, the bad parenting tables even out

For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.

But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)