Oven shoots man

How much do you trust your appliances? Probably too much.

An Ohio man was shot by his oven earlier this week, and police have yet to arrest it. According to reports, the 44-year-old man put his gun in the broiler compartment of his oven — as standard gun safety protocol dictates — because his girlfriend and her children were coming over to the house. Later, the girlfriend decided to use the oven, and minutes later, shots rang out.

The heat from the oven cause bullets in the man’s gun to explode. He was hit by bullet fragments in each shoulder as he tried to secure his firearm. He was the only one injured and is expected to recover.

Authorities have been unable to determine why the oven turned on its owner.

There is no reason for civilians to own bassoons

If you think you can just walk around in public carrying a bassoon in Ohio, think again. The law is going to come knocking.

Ohio has tough anti-woodwind laws in place that are being challenged in court, but for now they are still on the books. Recently, a New England Conservatory student home on break decided to play his bassoon outdoors. He sat on the trunk of his car and began playing scales. A few minutes later, the cops showed up. Someone reported a man with a long rifle sitting on his car.

Luckily, the police didn’t overreact. They slowly made their way over to the student until he was disarmed. We can only hope that he’s rotting in jail.

The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.

For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!

In this tradition, we need to hold accountable those who injure us in the most grievous ways. The people are coming for you, prognosticators! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

Groundhog? Don’t mind if we do

Al Roker sharted in his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.
Al Roker pooped his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.

After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”

And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.

Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.

See Spot cost his family more than he should

If you couldn’t tell, we don’t think very highly of animals here at SeriouslyGuys. We find them vastly overrated and more trouble than they’re worth. Of course, when a pet is lost, we find offering a reward for them to be a bit ridiculous, the larger the amount the more absurd. Two thousand dollars is a lot of money for a mere cat, especially when an amount of money that large could be directed toward something slightly more useful for society. Sometimes the owner of the missing animal may even contact you, upset at a story, 3 months after a story has been posted.

Fear not crazy cat lady: you’ve been topped. A couple in Ohio lost their dog. The offer for it coming home? A paltry ten thousand dollars.

I can think of a couple places that might need the money more than anyone that found the dog, such as the Human Fund. Just make your check out to C-H-R-I-S…

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Bullets work better hitting the target and not the shooter

No one likes crows. They’re filthy creatures that make little boys think they can fly in their dreams. That’s why we at SG completely support the destruction of those winged monsters.

But just like making a souffle and creating an incest-baby, we only support it when it’s done properly. This means using blasting dynamite or a gun that will completely discharge when the trigger is pulled. If the trigger is pulled and no bullet comes out, much less a large BLAM! sound, then it’s no good.

That’s why we DON’T support this man from Ohio. The only object he shot was himself. The crows? Still alive and presumably plotting.

Christmas Holiday Christmas news NOT from The Onion

We promise, this story isn’t from The Onion. It’s real, much like the chupacabra (however, despite what Rick Snee may say to you, the chupacabra is not a real sex act).

A man broke into someone else’s house. That’s a crime. The man then gets high off of bath salts in the house. That’s also a crime? Maybe? We’re not sure if it’s a crime so much as just incredibly low-rent and odd, despite being slightly creative. So, we now have a man who has broken into a house that is not his and is high. Just what could happen next?

If you guessed “he decorates the house with Christmas holiday Christmas odds and ends,” then perhaps you should play the lottery.

Don’t believe everything you read

The conservo-liber-fauna media would have you believe that shortly after being adopted, Hercules the Saint Bernard chased off a home invader. What a hero!

Pardon us for our skepticism.

Let’s examine the facts:

  1. Home invader breaks into the house of the Littlers
  2. Family adopts a dog
  3. Dog goes out for a walk, smells the intruder, chases after the burglar
  4. Burglar runs away, dog is seen as a hero

How coincidental. You’ll have to excuse me for seeing a grift when I see one.