Monkeys are plotting something in Ohio town

A Cincinnati suburb is on edge, as residents say there are monkeys in the trees.

Locals have reported seeing monkeys around town in Lebanon, Ohio. Sometimes they’re hanging out in the trees, sometimes they’re in peoples’ yards, they have also been spotted rocking out to someone’s music. The current theory is that the monkeys were pets that escaped and have been doing their own thing ever since.

Some residents seem remarkably chill about having dangerous animals roaming freely in their town. At some point, these monkeys are going to team up with squirrels, and then the chaos will really start.

Reasonable times for customers to draw guns

Here in the U.S., we’re very pro-gun. In fact, you can carry your gun pretty much anywhere you want, nervous people waiting in line at Wendy’s be damned. But for some reason, people get a little nervous about actually pulling out their gun, particularly in business-to-customer settings. Here are some helpful tips.

OK: When you don’t like your sandwich. We’ve all been there. You put in your order at a fast food place, and what you get doesn’t match up with the picture on the menu. A 20-year-old man in Ohio was upset that his sandwich at Steak N Shake had an egg on it that looked super gross. So as a reasonable customer, he threatened to shoot up the place. Now, he didn’t actually have a gun, so charges probably won’t stick. But the key here is that you can whip out your gun, just don’t make any threats. Let your shiny revolver do the talking.

OK: When a utility van is parked outside your house. In Florida, a 64-year-old man didn’t like that there were two AT&T trucks parked outside his house, especially that one guy was up in the cherrypicker on one of them. So he calmly walked outside and shot out the tires of the two vans. Because if you want vehicles to move, shooting their tires is your best option. Also, note that he shot below the bumper, so he’ll likely avoid vehicleslaughter charges.

Robber forced to read illegible note to store clerk

Robbing a bank or store seems pretty easy because employees are instructed to comply with demands from robbers. (Not that we’re encouraging you to do it.) You walk in, hand the teller a note saying that you want money and are armed, then walk out with the money. But you may not need the note after all.

In Ohio, a Family Dollar store was robbed even though the store clerk couldn’t read the robber’s handwriting. According to authorities, a 22-year-old man handed the clerk a note reading. “This is a robbery, please be quiet. Don’t let your pride get you killed.” A chilling note if you can read it. But the chicken scratches weren’t legible to the clerk, so the robber was forced to read the note out loud. The man left with the contents of the register, but was later arrested, police say.

This is why they need to teach penmanship in school.

Ohio halfway house takes pro-booze, stripper approach

If you’re newly out of jail, recovering from an addiction or are overcoming some kind of psychiatric illness, you’re going to have to readjust to society. It’s best to do that gradually, so you don’t fall back into the situation that got you there in the first place. That’s why we have halfway houses. But one Ohio halfway house is asking, “Why can’t the employees have a good time?”

The fun police in Ohio are going after the leaders of an Ohio halfway house for spending taxpayer money on booze, strippers and trips to cool places like Las Vegas. An audit found about $20,000 in unauthorized spending so that managers and a few employees could booze it up before and during conferences, bringing along family members and living large on the community center’s credit card. The director and deputy director are

The unorthodox approach to rehabilitating members of our community should be lauded, not scorned, for trying something new. What better way to help people than to better understand the vices they are trying to escape from?

The government is tracking your heart

If you have a pacemaker, you probably need to back away from your computer. You also are probably glad that you have a machine that’s keeping your ticker ticking. But did you know that the government is tracking you?

In Ohio, authorities say they charged a man with arson and insurance fraud after examining the data from his pacemaker. Last fall, the 59-year-old man’s house burned down. He told police that as the house was burning, he was able to pack some bags and get them out of the house. Police obtained a warrant for the data on the man’s pacemaker, and a doctor said his heart rate did not match that of a man rushing to pack and carry heavy suitcases.

With that, police said they had enough evidence to say the man packed his suitcases ahead of time, because the fire was no accident.

You missed out on the auction of Eva Braun’s panties

She’s been dead for 71 years, but the old Nazi gal’s panties are still worth something.

More than a year ago, we told you about Adolf Hitler’s wife, Eva Braun’s panties were going up for auction after being found in Ohio of all places. This week, they fetched about $3,700 at auction from an undisclosed buyer and likely Trump supporter.

Cheer up. We’re sure that the underwear of another ruthless mass-murderer’s mistress/wife will go up for sale sometime soon.

Latest animal attack in Wal-Mart parking lot: monkey

If you haven’t learned by now, this is not the summer to spend any time in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Animals will attack. This time, they chose to strike in Lancaster, Ohio.

According to reports, a customer’s monkey got loose in a Wal-Mart parking lot and began attacking an employee working the cart corrals. The owner was nearby, and luckily, was able to stop the assault before the employee was injured. An eyewitness video shows the owner then taking the monkey by the hand and carrying it away, presumably to a getaway vehicle.

The good news is that the employee wasn’t bitten, but the bad news is that the monkey wasn’t charged with assault.

Toxic blob heading toward Cleveland — again

Cleveland is a tough, proud town on Lake Erie. Sure everyone likes to make fun of its sports teams because they are awful, but the people endure. And it’s no wonder that people in The Cleve yearn for days gone by. Those who miss the 1970s may soon have a reminder on tap.

It seems a blob of toxic sludge dredged from the Cuyahoga River in the 1970s and dumped into Lake Erie is making its way toward an intake pipe that supplies water for the Cleveland metro area. The industrial waste blob is about two miles long, and is just five miles away from a water treatment plant and its intake pipe, state health officials warn. It’s some of the same carcinogenic sludge that caught fire in the Cuyahoga River in 1952 and 1969. Here’s Randy Newman with a quick history lesson.

Cleveland, an old friend is coming home.

Governor of the great state of Delusion

Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we'd need a hug, too.
Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we’d need a hug, too.

There are a lot of sad stories in every election. Any candidate can find themselves on top of the world for a hot second, only to see it all fall away after one joy ride in a tank or in the span of one creepy, slow motion smile.

We thought we had already seen the saddest moment of this election when heir apparent, Jeb Bush, literally begged for applause after what he thought was a real barn-burner of a speech.

But, no, the saddest thing we’ve seen are the walking dead — the candidates still trying to walk around despite a giant hole in their chest. John Kasich is like a ghost in Beetlejuice: he doesn’t even know he’s dead yet.

[A] new ad from a super PAC supporting Ohio Gov. John Kasich warns against anointing the freshmen senator [Marco Rubio] too quickly.

[…]

“D.C. insiders are clamoring to crown Marco Rubio king of the GOP before he’s even proven he can win anything, and that kind of shortsighted arrogance could hand Hillary Clinton the election,” Connie Wehrkamp, New Day For America’s spokeswoman, said in a statement.

Meanwhile, in polls, Donald Trump is leading Rubio in his own home state of Florida by double-digits: 44 percent to 28 percent. Kasich, in the meantime, has yet to even reach Rubio, trailing even behind Ted Cruz, who looks like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who’s looking for his arm on the beach. The two are polling at seven percent and twelve percent respectively.

Unless Kasich and at least one other wounded candidate walk towards the light, Trump will win this primary with less than half of all Republican votes.

Monkey terrorizes Ohio city

The citizens of Columbus, Ohio are being held captive in their homes and the entire city is frozen in terror, as a monkey stalks the streets.

A police officer reported seeing a monkey sitting on a fence eating something. Apparently the beast didn’t stick around to answer questions. The monkey, believed to be a howler monkey, has been spotted by residents since then. Eerily, has anyone reported a pet monkey missing.

Police are asking citizens not to try to apprehend the primate on their own. When dealing with a dangerous foe like that, it’s best not to be the hero. Our thoughts are prayers are with those under siege in Ohio.