The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.
For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!
After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”
And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.
Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.
If you couldn’t tell, we don’t think very highly of animals here at SeriouslyGuys. We find them vastly overrated and more trouble than they’re worth. Of course, when a pet is lost, we find offering a reward for them to be a bit ridiculous, the larger the amount the more absurd. Two thousand dollars is a lot of money for a mere cat, especially when an amount of money that large could be directed toward something slightly more useful for society. Sometimes the owner of the missing animal may even contact you, upset at a story, 3 months after a story has been posted.
Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.
Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.
Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.
Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.
So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.
No one likes crows. They’re filthy creatures that make little boys think they can fly in their dreams. That’s why we at SG completely support the destruction of those winged monsters.
But just like making a souffle and creating an incest-baby, we only support it when it’s done properly. This means using blasting dynamite or a gun that will completely discharge when the trigger is pulled. If the trigger is pulled and no bullet comes out, much less a large BLAM! sound, then it’s no good.
That’s why we DON’T support this man from Ohio. The only object he shot was himself. The crows? Still alive and presumably plotting.
We promise, this story isn’t from The Onion. It’s real, much like the chupacabra (however, despite what Rick Snee may say to you, the chupacabra is not a real sex act).
A man broke into someone else’s house. That’s a crime. The man then gets high off of bath salts in the house. That’s also a crime? Maybe? We’re not sure if it’s a crime so much as just incredibly low-rent and odd, despite being slightly creative. So, we now have a man who has broken into a house that is not his and is high. Just what could happen next?
That would be the acronym for “International House of Unmarked White Suspicious Packages.” They’re a branch of IHOP found mostly in the Toledo, Ohio area, but if you look hard enough, you can find a few that aren’t quite in there.
At least, that’s what I can assume based off recent headlines. 7 IHOP restaurants were raided by federal agents. The reason for doing so is unknown (though it’s probably not for the Swedish crepes; lingonberries, ugh!), and when pressed about what was going on by would-be patrons of the home of the most delicious name in the industry, police officers responded with:
Which is a most disturbing idea. Oh, sure, the agents were seen leaving with white office-style boxes, which might be important. But if I were in the Toledo area, where would I be getting my pancakes? Especially at the all you can eat price! Like I said, a most disturbing idea.
3,000 pairs of women’s underpants have been recovered from four spots along the highway in Ohio, at least one pile of 1,600 in Fairfield County alone. Police report that the panties are loose and are both new and used. They also appear to be of the “local discount and grocery stores” variety, not the racy stuff your mom buys.
Other than those details, authorities are stumped. The Guys have put together a couple of theories:
Aliens! You’ve heard of Stonehenge. This is Mingehenge. And if any of the underpants were made of corduroy, then this could have been the beginning of the NASCAR Lines.
Artists! Mountains of unglamorous dollar store granny-panties discarded along the highways and biways of middle America — the interpretations are limitless.
Animals! Prairie critters are attempting to infiltrate the Heartland, one leg at a time — just like the rest of us.
The Japanese! The used ones fit their M.O. Not sure where the new ones come in, though. Perhaps we interrupted them before they could finish?
We will dispatch our own Bryan McBournie to Ohio this weekend to investigate.