Tag: ohio

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold

There’s pink water in Ohio, which as we understand it, means it’s officially spring! According to the Lake County Department of Utilities northeast of Cleveland said the water was pink because of a chemical overload, but everything was just fine.

A spokesman explained it was simply an accident, and was in no way connected with the painting of Vigo the Carpathian across town, or Vigo’s search for a baby to live inside so he can once again rule the world. Nope, it was really just potassium permanganate. Nothing to see here, folks. At least not until New Year’s Eve.

Protip: Threatening suicide can get you arrested

Especially if you’re only rocking a Vorpal Blade of +5 constitution.

A teenager in Middletown, Ohio, learned that threatening to commit suicide while in a chat during a session of World of Warcraft can get you arrested. While talking with a Blizzard rep in-game, he made a phony threat, to which the rep quickly phoned in the faux call for help to police. The unnamed teen was promptly arrested on misdemeanor charges.

He was quoted as claiming, “The game is the only thing [I have] to live for.”

Seriously, WoW players? You make it far easier than I’d ever believe most of the time.

Let’s not take any chances now

Evidentally, if one kid jumps off of a bridge, others will, too.

That’s the fear of residents in West Akon, Ohio since 1981. They have pushed the city council ever since to build a chainlink fence on the sides of the bridge ever since.

The chainlink fence, also known to area children as “the impentrable, unscalable wall that blocks access to all things awesome,” would have been built sooner, but was considered too expensive. However, this endless game of sporadic lemmings will draw to an end soon: they’re finally going to do it.

Unfortunately, their plan was for naught:

“Andrea Denton, with the Summit County Suicide Prevention Coalition, supports fencing for the bridge, but voiced concern about publicizing the issue.

“‘Our goal is preventing suicides,’ she said. ‘Often it is a momentary, impulsive decision to jump. That’s why it makes me nervous doing anything about the bridge. This could give some people an idea.'”

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

Magic beats out science using science

The finger fairy is just like the toothy fairy, but with 50% more syphillis.Once upon a time, there was a gentleman who had unfortunately lopped off the bittiest bit of one of his fingers. Though this may seem but inconsequential to you and I, to Lee, this was horrid. Alas, how could he perform the most dire of functions, such as flipping off other people, scratching his nose or even getting that hard to reach booger in his nose? Indeed, his days were most dark. Lee spent many a-night, always praying and wishing that someday, somehow, his finger tip would come. As often as his days were dark, his wish would go unanswered…

And then, one night, Lee’s brother a magical little pixie sprinkled scrapings involving the cells from the lining of a pig’s bladder pixie dust over his finger tip. This continued for nine more evenings, and then suddenly, POOF, the finger appeared, right out of nowhere! Science could clearly not explain this, as it was nothing but magic! Huzzah!

So children, the moral of the story is this: every night, pray and wish upon that first star that you see every night, and all of your dreams can come true as well … as long as your wishes and prayers involve only asking for your middle finger tip to regrow.

(Story courtesy Adrienne S.)

North (sort of) and South: Civil War redux?

While last week we told you about the brewing civil war between Georgia and Tennessee, it seems they are not the only two states ready to fight brother against brother. Ohio and Kentucky are about to take up arms against one another–not over a land dispute for a resource vital to any state, but rather a big rock.

A rock sat at the bottom of the Ohio River for ages, only when the tide was low in centuries past would people climb on it and leave some kind of message. One man hauled it out of the river onto the Ohio side because it is an important part of the state’s history. As soon as Kentucky heard about it, the state got upset, because the rock was on the Kentucky side of the border.

The states’ houses of representatives have both passed resolutions about how important the rock is. No word as to whether U.N. peacekeepers will be asked to patrol the border.