Say whatever the 5#*& you want

Sort of kind of maybe, that is.

A Manhattan court of appeals has thrown out the FCC’s regulations on the First Amendment. Well, on First Amendment grounds, that is. The basic gist of this is that now live television doesn’t have to live in fear of heavy fine because a single, solitary curse word slipped through.

Which is very good. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we should start dropping the f-bomb or Harry Seeward on the evening news (even if Rick likes it when Katie Couric talks dirty, and we’re talking about the oil spill), but accidents do happen. Though, like all good things, this bit of news does have its detractors.

“Let’s be clear about what has happened here today: A three-judge panel in New York once again has authorized the broadcast networks unbridled use of the `F-word’ at any time of the day, even in front of children,” [Parent Television Council President Tim] Winter said in a statement.

Not quite, though I do have some suspicions that Brian Williams would give one awesome Mel Gibson-esque speech if pushed too far.

Why do we float to the surface?

Answer: to swim back down again.

There have been many casualties in the BP Gulf oil spill, which is not to be confused with the Gulf Shell spill, when Gulf spilled shells all over Sally on the seashore.

Business like hotels and restaurants are all but shut down. Other oil rigs that managed not to explode are silent. People who wished for Jimmy Buffett to go away have to see him on the news every night.

But, one fish lost his parents. And now we have–DUN-NUH NUH-NUH NUH-NUH NUH-NUH

Batfiiiiiiiiish! Baaaaatfiiiiiiish! Batfiiiiiiiiish!

We don’t want your money, but we want YOUR money

Oh Bobby Jindal. Do you really think that the internet forgets anything? Like the 45, 000 dollars spent on in-city helicopter trips among a time-span of 4 months or the refusal of money going to your state for economic stimulus purposes?

After meeting with President Obama and other Gulf Coast leaders, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal called for BP to approve a $457 million seafood safety program for the region. Jindal held his press conference in New Orlean’s Acme Oyster House in the French Quarter-a symbolic location chosen to remind Americans how integral local oysters, shrimp, and crawfish are to the region.

Surrounded by commercial fishermen, Jindal reminded the crowd that seafood is hugely important to the state’s financial health (and that of the region as a whole). In Louisiana alone, the impact on the economy is estimated at $2.3 billion. The proposed safety plan is essentially a 20-year initiative that calls for industry safeguards and repair the damage done to consumer confidence regarding seafood in local waters.

As public anger over BP’s perceived lack of action continues to mount, it’s a savvy time to request funds. Jindal said the $457 million represents “a fraction of what we would lose year after year after year” should BP decline to the request. It’s just a drop in the bucket of what the oil company is going to end up shelling out for this mess, but for PR value alone, the money could be well-spent.

Remember people, it’s only acceptable to take money from big organizations for state purposes when it’s an election year.

Oil on your wedding day

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is no laughing matter (aside from the oiled pelicans, as those are hilarious!), millions of jobs could be lost as a result of the mess that is being made. But now, a new industry is being affected by the disaster: beach weddings.

There’s something about the smell of dead dolphins and guys combing the beach wearing hazmat suits that just doesn’t make a good backdrop for nuptials. The appearance of tar balls on beaches once popular for weddings has lead to sudden cancellations by many couples, hurting wedding planners and all the businesses associated. But remember, the captains of fishing boats have a whole lot of free time on their hands now, and would be happy to accommodate you.

Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

So, how about that leak in the Gulf of Mexico, right?

You’re probably expecting a punchline about how terrible it is, or how many animals are going to die or how we could have avoided all of this by investing more in alternative renewable energy back in the 70s.

Well, you’re not going to get that here. In fact, I think this is a good thing. Allow me show you how, in every oil spoil, there’s a rainbow lining.

NOTE: Rick Snee is writing this article of its own free will. Any checks from BP have not cleared yet.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

You Missed It: Job interview edition

I read a lot of news throughout the week. It’s part of my job, and I naturally want to stay up to date on the important subjects affecting the world. Admittedly, I avoid most celebrity news, because, well, I just don’t care. But I have to ask, who the hell is Justin Bieber, and where was he six weeks ago? It seems like he’s been on magazine covers, new stories, and random events all of a sudden. And he’s very popular with creepy older women. If you were busy resigning as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, odds are you missed it.

The bench gets steamy
President Barack Obama selection Solicitor General Elena Kagan to replace retiring Justice John Paul Jones Stevens on the bench of the U.S. Supreme Court this week. Kagan has also served as dean of Harvard Law School, but has no actual judicial experience. This has led many in the Republican party to claim Obama picked her simply because of her looks.

Send in Chuck Norris
Yet another iPhone prototype was bought, filmed and reviewed by a tech blog this week. This time, it happened in Vietnam. In a video, the phone is disassembled by someone who has long fingernails. Following in the calm, measured response Apple had to the Gizmodo leak, when the company pressured cops to break down an editor’s door, Steve Jobs is asking the U.S. military to invade Vietnam.

Angry white men
Executives from BP and Transocean, the operator and owner of the Deepwater Horizon rig that exploded and sank in the Gulf of Mexico, along with Halliburton, all blamed each other for the accident on April 20 and the ongoing oil spill during a congressional hearing. Lawmakers didn’t are, they blamed all of them anyway. Next up in the You Should Have Done Better hearings: Lebron James.

You Missed It: Secret of the ooze edition

I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.

Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!

Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.

Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?

Smoke on the water

Let’s be clear on one thing: oil spills are not cool. We’re going out on a limb with that one, even though it often means killing dangerous animals. However, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico just took a turn for the awesome.

As the oil slick gets closer to the Mississippi River Delta, the federal government is thinking about setting the whole thing on fire. Take that, Louisiana!

UPDATE: It’s happening.