It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
April Fools’ Day is the most dad-oriented holiday of the year–more so than even Father’s Day. If you really stop and think about it, who are the people who enjoy it the most? Dads, because they get to play pranks on their gullible children. Sure, the annoying guy in your office loves to fill up someone’s cubicle with packing popcorn, and a few people on Facebook think those fake articles news sites post are hilarious. But really, it’s the dads who enjoy it. It’s probably because those little jerks have it coming to them. If you were busy watching March Madness this week, odds are you missed it.
State Department gets too real
This week, the State Department sent out some tweets aimed at keeping college students safe when traveling abroad during spring break. One tweet that took some flak for being insensitive read, “Not a ’10’ in the US? Then not a 10 overseas. Beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse–being robbed.” This tweet is actually good advice. Europeans are generally way hotter than Americans. If you’re not a 10 where you live, move to the Midwest. You’ll be slaying it.
Apparently Trump doesn’t like women
Donald Trump, *sigh* Donald Trump had a rough week, after he said women should be punished somehow if abortion is made illegal, and his chief of staff, Corey Lewandowski, was charged with battery on a female reporter. Worst of all, he said if you’re not a 10, you should absolutely go to Europe because you don’t deserve to live in this great country of ours.
A pardon from President Bartlet
Martin Sheen announced this week that he is working on a new series on Investigation Discovery (which is a channel, apparently) about how O.J. Simpson didn’t kill his wife or her friend. The series will be called “Hard Evidence: O.J. Is Innocent.” I just have one question: Isn’t that what the jury decided 20 years ago?
I just read today that there are plans to relaunch The Naked Gun. Paramount probably sees this as a safe bet, especially since the series’ biggest names, Leslie Neilsen, Ricardo Montalban and Priscilla Presley, are dead, and O.J. Simpson is in jail. They’re going to have Ed Helms star as Lt. Frank Drebin. It’s a terrible idea. It’s not the casting, it’s that the movie was made at a time when wackier comedy was acceptable, plus it was incredibly clever. Comedies today have to be darker or raunchier. It’s about shock value. It’s not better, it’s just different, and The Naked Gun series can’t work like that. If you were busy releasing your secret album this week, odds are you missed it.
You’d better watch out
The U.S. is edging closer to another budget crisis, but the big news this week was the debate on whether Santa Claus is white. It began when Slate’s Aisha Harris argued that, given the increasing racial diversity of the country, perhaps the fictional person we claim brings us presents shouldn’t always be a honky. Fox News’ Megyn (pronounced “May-gine,” I believe) Kelly said there’s no debating it, Santa Claus is white and always has been. Considering his first name sounds Spanish, he’s got to be some shade of brown.
Baseball players are about to get even wimpier
Major League Baseball announced this week that it is considering banning the collision at home plate, which has ended up injuring a lot of catchers. The announcement was met with criticism, with some saying that railroading the catcher, trying to knock the ball out of his glove as you reach home plate, is a time honored tradition. If this keeps up, slapping a teammate on the ass will wind up with a sexual harassment lawsuit.
His crown is frozen to his head
After two weeks of trekking through the cold, Prince Harry reached the South Pole today. The excursion was done for charity, and involved three teams of Brits, Americans and British-owned countries. Is there any chance that we can send Congress there?
To our senior citizen readers, we bid you goodbye.
To our high school freshmen readers, we bid you hello.
Why do we do this? Because everything that’s current is new … and old. According to people with too much free time on their hands, the web, at least the concept of the web as you and I know it, is older than teenagers entering college as freshmen this oncoming semester. Other things that can make you, our dear reader, feel extremely old:
The OJ Simpson “trial of the century”
Abbreviating President Lyndon B. Johnson
Andre the Giant
Oh, and to help emphasize it, we would like to reiterate the message from Bryan McBournie: In other news, stop trying to make the Virginia earthquake a disaster. Seriously, stop it.
Look, we hate pissing all over someone else’s linguistics work, especially when they’re pointing 0ut an overused and subsequently undervalued word. Frequent readers of this site may be familiar with my own work in this field, “Cleaning Out the Language Gutters.”
So, congratulations, John: from your hamfisted examples of Barack Obama using the word, to quotes from jackoffs realizing their “problem” and an O.J. Simpson reference, you absolutely dropped the ball on this one.
Got any plans for the weekend? Really? Oh, that sounds cool, have a good time with that. Me? No, I’m laying low this weekend. I celebrated You Missed It’s first birthday a little too much last weekend, if you know what I mean. Time to recover. Phew! If you were busy challenging Larry King to a Twitter follower war this week, odds are you missed it.
Cramming a protest down leaders’ throats
More than 200 years ago, Samuel Adams and the Sons of Liberty threw boxes of tea overboard in protest of taxes levied by the British Parliament without any consultation of the colonies. On April 15, tax day, conservatives recreated the event across the country, protesting taxes that are approved by people they voted to represent them, which is clearly unfair in principle. Protesters threw tea around and even mailed tea bags to their elected officials. They even called themselves teabaggers. I am still struggling to find a comedic angle to this one.
Voice lovely, face, not so much
It’s the kind of story you expect from a hokey romantic comedy, as if there was any other kind. Practically overnight, Susan Boyle, 47, has become a sensation in much of the civilized world. The Scottish woman appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, and wowed judges when she sang “I Dreamed A Dream.” Boyle says she has never been kissed, mostly because shes not really attractive. Wait a minute, she’s Scottish? Shouldn’t she be on Scotland’s Got Talent?
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
In an interview with The Rolling Stone, Hulk Hogan said, “I totally understand O.J.,” and who can blame him? “I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat,” Hogan said in the interview. We’ve all been there. We all get the Hulkamania and just want to take everyone down with us, brother. If I were Jake the Snake, I’d watch out.