Danger is a turn-on

Humans are sexual beings, it’s just how we are. But why do humans make soda machines so sexy? Each of us walks around every day, doing our best not to mind soda machines sexually attractive. Police say one Oklahoma City man lost that battle.

Authorities were called to a grocery store from suspected shoplifting. When they got there, they found a man hiding behind a soda machine with his pants down, pleasuring himself, police say. But it didn’t end there. The man was charged and arrested. As he was being processed at the police station, the arresting officer walked away momentarily, only to come back and find the guy with his pants around his ankles, going at it again–while still handcuffed to a bench, according to the report.

Folks, sometimes a guy just has to blow off some steam.

You’re doing it wrong

There are many different ways to have sex. The Kama Sutra lists hundreds of sexual positions, and that number is doubled if you add “in pudding” to each of them.

But, if your game includes a gun–and you’re not biatheletes–then perhaps it’s time to scale things back.

Arthur Sedille, 23, admitted to police that he killed his 50-year-old wife during sex while holding a gun to her head. Sedille claims that he was unaware that it was loaded and that they had used it often during fantasy sex sessions.

If the only way to get menopausal juices flowing is with a gun, then, son, you married too old.

(With special thanks to Sarah Lena.)

We still don’t like Jessica Alba

We weren’t big fans of Jessica Alba (well, aside from her body) before, but now, we’ve got even more of a reason to dislike her: she’s helping the other side.

That’s right, Jessica Alba is actively helping animals in the war they wage against us. We can forgive some celebrities who fight for “animal rights,” they’re not really humans, and therefor not really on our side to begin with, but Jessica, sweet Jessica, how could you do this to us?

The actress may face charges in Oklahoma City for putting up shark posters on electrical boxes throughout the city. What possessed her to do this? She was part of a group of guerrilla propagandists spreading the message that shark numbers are dwindling around the world.

Jessica: we know that. We’re trying to finish them off. If you would like to help your buddies, we would be happy to throw you in a tank with them.