Deer have no morals

It’s deer season, and out in Oklahoma, a hunter got a reminder of just why we kill these things every fall–aside from keeping their numbers from getting out of control.

Rodney Mueggenborg shot and killed a deer recently, only to find out that it was a doe with antlers. For those of you who don’t remember the Do-Re-Mi song, a doe is a female deer, and only male deer grow antlers … usually. This cross-dressing deer was all woman, but some believe it had a chemical imbalance that caused the antlers.

We’ll never know, it was made into deer sausage.

Soylent Green no longer people in Oklahoma

A state bill is on its way through the Oklahoma legislature preventing human fetuses from being used in food. This has resulted in one question by many people: “Why exactly was this needed?”

Senator Ralph Shortey claims to have research that reveals food industry companies having used human stem cells in the creation of items, including artificial flavors. Though it’s not known if anyone outside of Shortey and his group have seen this research, the bill has nonetheless been introduced and awaits discussion from Shortey’s peers. Have no fear, though, as the bills makes no mention of animal fetuses. Connoisseurs of super-veal, you’re still okay.

We would like to pass on something Senator Shortey: if The Guys are not given 100 thousand non-taxable dollars in the next three months, the world will explode. We’re not saying at all that we will cause the world to explode or even do any damage; however, we do have major intel that only we need see to substantiate this claim.

Danger is a turn-on

Humans are sexual beings, it’s just how we are. But why do humans make soda machines so sexy? Each of us walks around every day, doing our best not to mind soda machines sexually attractive. Police say one Oklahoma City man lost that battle.

Authorities were called to a grocery store from suspected shoplifting. When they got there, they found a man hiding behind a soda machine with his pants down, pleasuring himself, police say. But it didn’t end there. The man was charged and arrested. As he was being processed at the police station, the arresting officer walked away momentarily, only to come back and find the guy with his pants around his ankles, going at it again–while still handcuffed to a bench, according to the report.

Folks, sometimes a guy just has to blow off some steam.

A chainsaw in the hand is as good as two in the pants

When I was a pre-teen, I can remember a classmate talking to me about the jacket that he would wear into a store in order to shoplift stuff. It was a gigantic, puffy jacket, so it made sense, I suppose. But sometimes you need more room. Obviously, there’s plenty of that down your pants. Right, Anthony Black?

Buuuuuut it doesn’t work all the time. Or potentially at all. Right, Anthony Black? An employee with a vast and firm grasp on the English language, states:

“I seen the bar between his legs. It was pretty obvious. Imagine it in the front of your pants.”

It’s certainly an interesting way to impress the ladies. Black decided that chainsaw wasn’t worth the hassle, ditching it and running out the store. Which promptly led headfirst into a creek.

As if the frosting on this delicious cake of hilarity, police think Black may have been intoxicated while doing so. Because chainsaws and alcohol are a fine mix. This is the best story I’ve heard all week.

You’re doing it wrong

There are many different ways to have sex. The Kama Sutra lists hundreds of sexual positions, and that number is doubled if you add “in pudding” to each of them.

But, if your game includes a gun–and you’re not biatheletes–then perhaps it’s time to scale things back.

Arthur Sedille, 23, admitted to police that he killed his 50-year-old wife during sex while holding a gun to her head. Sedille claims that he was unaware that it was loaded and that they had used it often during fantasy sex sessions.

If the only way to get menopausal juices flowing is with a gun, then, son, you married too old.

(With special thanks to Sarah Lena.)

The Real Story: Earmarks possibly banned via earmark

No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar:  clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”

Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.

Oklahoma demon spells end of days

I really wish we had some stock photos for this sort of thing.

Yesterday, we told you about raining fish, which made us wonder if the world was coming to an end. Today, we bring you a “demon” found in Oklahoma. A hairless creature, later determined to be a raccoon, terrorized a Christian Camp recently.

The raccoon was apprehended by authorities, no word on what they are going to do to extract enemy information from the scary looking thing.

At least you don’t hear much about the Christmas burger

How do you make 124 tons of meaty-meatness disappear? If you answered “make it unhealthy to consume,” then a winner is you!

That’s right, we have yet another E. coli scare upon us. Oklahoma company National Steak and Poultry is voluntarily recalling approximately 248 thousand pounds of beef, as there is a possibility of it being contaminated with the bacteria. Products being pulled back include beef medallions, beef tips, sirloin steak and skirt steak, among many other items, though I must say that I’m a tad bit disappointed that cow tongue isn’t found on the list. Frankly, cow tongue should probably be removed from stores as it is, E. coli or no E. coli.

The food company has stated that there may be a link between the meat and six cases of E. coli being discovered. This could be a lot scarier than it is, but luckily, we only tend to talk about the Christmas turkey or the Christmas ham, as opposed to the less seen “Yule pot of Hamburger Helper” (new motto: “One pound, one pan and you’ve got a trip to the emergency room”).

SeriouslyGuys can only speculate as to whether “Who-pie” is made of contaminated meat. We like to think that it is, as it would serve those dirty hippies right.

Grab your machete and get ready for family bonding

Spring is here, and for Oklahomans, that means one thing: the rattlesnake roundup. Yes, every year, cowboys go out into the herd of rattlesnakes they have been taking care of all winter, and get them ready for the summer’s drive to market in Kansas.

Actually, it’s a tradition of a town called Magnum, and if you’re in the area, dear warrior, we strongly suggest you go. Rustlers from all over the area bring in rattlers to be beheaded and skinned before a cheering crowd. And in case you were wondering, yes it is something you can take the whole family to. That makes sense, because the family that kills animals together stays together.

You Missed It: Obama does Jay-walking edition

Hi, folks. Have you gotten over your hangovers yet? You were probably out drinking green beer on Tuesday afternoon, just as St. Patrick (or for our Spanish-speaking readers, San Patricio) had asked to be remembered. Here’s a new reason to celebrate, aside from the fact that it’s Friday: it’s the first day of spring! If you were busy updating your mugshot, odds are you missed it.

Well, Letterman, there’s always Cheney
Barack Obama, the current U.S. president that is living in the White House right now and has the nuke codes and stuff, sat down for an interview on 20/20 60 Minutes The View The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Obama has time for these interviews, because he’s not busy fixing the economy. So how did he do? Let’s listen to him describe his bowling abilities.

“”It’s like — it was like Special Olympics or something.”

Ug. Sounds like his material needs a bailout.

Recession punching bag of the week
Last week it was Jim Cramer ruining the economy. This week, we turned our attention to AIG CEO G. Gordon Edward Liddy. On Wednesday, Liddy testified at a congressional hearing, in an attempt to explain why his company had given out millions of dollars in bonuses, some of which were retention bonuses to people who left, after receiving federal bailout money. Liddy apologized to lawmakers and–I’m sorry, mobs are shouting too loud. Can’t even hear myself type. Let’s move on.

Banana pickers working all day really should stop habit of ‘drink a rum’
If you’re like most people, you like your bananas as spider-free as you can get them. However, if you live in Oklahoma, you may want to change to another fruit. In Tulsa, a Brazilian wandering spider was found wandering on some bananas at a grocery store  that had been shipped in from Honduras (which is not Brazil). The spider was saved, even though it is one of the deadliest spiders on Earth, and transferred to a local university. However, the spider did not make it through the week. Due to safety concerns, the spider was destroyed, likely by firing squad.