There is an assault on the news media. It presents an existential threat to the independent press, a keystone of our great democracy. The threat, of course, is bobcats.
In a town outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma, a male bobcat attempted to do what online media has been trying to do for a decade: kill off print journalism. Sapulpa Herald publisher Darren Sumner said he opened the door to the restroom at his office when he saw a male bobcat, which leapt at him. Sumner promptly trapped the bobcat by closing the restroom door, and probably took care of whatever business he was heading there for in the first place.
Authorities captured the wild animal and released it without questioning. It is already being considered for a position in the Trump White House.
After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
The following has been translated for those who do not live in the Midwest.
Last fall, an Oklahoma farmer lost his iPhone in a grain bin. (Translation: Apparently they have cell service even out on the farms of Oklahoma. One farmer dropped his in one of those big silos you see on farms.)
Nine months later, he received a call from a worker in Japan who found it and sent it back to him. (See, the U.S. doesn’t use all of the grain it produces. It exports quite a bit of it. And the farmer’s grain–and phone–were exported to Japan. The farmer’s iPhone was probably wasn’t the latest version, which means it’s worthless in Japan, even to a grain mill worker.)
The farmer was glad to have his phone returned to him. (Even though he probably replaced it the week it went missing.)
Around the end of last month, a Colorado girl scout made news by setting up shop in front of a marijuana dispensary, selling her cookie wares to the red-eyed citizens coming in and out. Shortly after, she was barred by the Girl Scouts of Colorado from selling in front of such a company.
Now, a girl in Oklahoma has made national news by breaking the national record of sales, dropping off 18,107 boxes of the cookies that are being reproduced by Keebler and sold in grocery stores near you at a cheaper price.
What’s the deal, Girl Scouts? Do you hate money? Because allowing Danielle Lei to continue selling in front marijuana dispensaries would’ve made money for you all hand over fist. Or could it be that Katie Francis has a much whiter shade of skin than Lei? Girl Scouts, why are you in the pockets of Big Racism and Big Diametrically Opposed to Making Money?
There’s a good chance that your dog is trying to get you arrested, if two men in Oklahoma are to be believed.
They told a police officer that though their minivan may be stuck in a ditch, it was not their fault. The two men, who were drunk, according to police, said that they had been driving down the road when they got tired, so they pulled over to rest. That’s when their dog hopped into the driver’s seat and drove the van off the side of the road.
The greatest injustice is that the men were arrested and face charges, while the dog won’t have to answer for his crime.
People, we wouldn’t bring up a ridiculous situation if it weren’t for Ericka Marie Danna. The Oklahoma woman is being charged not with disturbing the peace, but also attempting to bring contraband into a jail (a worse charge than the former) after a pipe was found in her va-jay-jay.
Police say it smelled like weed. That might be the worst part of this story: someone smelled the pipe after they found it.
Four inmates climbed into one hole in the shower of the Caddo County Jail in Anadarko, Oklahoma on Sunday. Fortunately for the other inmates, the hole was in the ceiling. Unfortunately for the guards, it was the literal hole in the claim that the Caddo County Jail is “escape-proof.”
The inmates unscrewed (no, really) a tiny door above the showers and somehow climbed through it.
They must have lubed up because, while two of them are under 162 pounds, the other two weigh 190 and 230 pounds apiece. And that’s why you don’t drop the soap.