Parents live longer to post more pictures of their kids

They grow up so fast and yet postpone the merciful release of death. Children are selfish.

For all the talk out there about parenthood being hard — we wouldn’t create an entire industry of blogs if it wasn’t — there are allegedly benefits. And not just for chores. New research indicates that having children may help older people live longer than those who never do.

The researchers believe there are several factors — you can guilt adult children into caring for you, older adults may live healthier lives to beat their grandchildren when their kids aren’t looking. Personally, we think childless older people are more likely to fall off their jetskis or flip their dune buggies. You know, the ones they can afford when they retire because they didn’t pay for tuition, karate gis and dowries.

Researchers also noted that when people who live longer with children are asked about that time, they agree that life does feel longer and “like, an eternity since they pooped with the door closed.”

Baby Boomers will never, ever die

"I am Christopher Lambert of the Screen Actors Guild. I was born in 1957 in the region of Great Neck on the shores of the Long Island Sound. And I am immortal."
“I am Christopher Lambert of the Screen Actors Guild. I was born in 1957 in the region of Great Neck on the shores of the Long Island Sound. And I am immortal.”

Still irritated that their grandparents are the Greatest Generation, Baby Boomers have settled for being known as the Highlander Generation, in that

  1. They were old enough to see the movie Highlander in theaters back in 1986.
  2. They cannot die.

That’s what they seem to think, anyway, as over three-quarters of adults over the age of 40 believe that they will not require long-term care as they get older. Getting old? That’s an old person’s game, which, if you ask those same over-40-year-olds, will include nearly everyone else except them individually.

Yes, everyone else is getting older and dying except for you, aging Boomer or Gen X-er. You will be forced to conceal your special gift and harness it until the time of the Gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last.

And why will you fight? For the Prize, which is to die disappointed at work sooner than you think.