Study: Millennials are killing sex, too

At least once a day you see an article written by some old person blaming Millennials for ruining society, as if they are making conscious decisions to murder book stores or malls and they alone are able to kill off these things. Looks like we’re probably not going to be having sex anymore, either, because Millennials are killing that, too. Thanks a lot, whatever generation is old enough to work but not yet have power.

According to a study of 16,000 people born in 1989 and 1990, who have been tracked since the age of 14, one in eight 26-year-olds is still a virgin. Researchers say it’s a response to the hypersexualized society they have grown up in, and the fear of their performance being ridiculed on social media.

But the real reason is that Millennials hate everything that is good, like record shops, smoking and napkins. This is what happens when you hand out participation trophies.

Old people are Japan’s missing resource

Japan is unable to determine the whereabouts of 105 centenarians living in Kobe, including their oldest woman at the age of 125. Whoopsidoodle. An additional 22 geezers over the age of 100 have not used medical and nursing care insurance intended for those over the age of 75.

If this wasn’t bad enough, these are just the findings of Kobe, located in Hyogo Prefecture. There are still 88 more coffin-dodgers in 20 prefectures who are unaccounted for. The municipal goverments have been aware of these missing centenarians after home visits in the past, but did not include their absence in reports to the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry.

Kobe officials plan to visit the residences of its 105 missing centenarians and the 22 who aren’t using their insurance to verify what the hell is going on with them. They note that Japan’s oldest woman has an address listed that has been a park since 1981, which implies that maybe they bulldozed over her house when they fixed up the area as a park.

Congratulations Japan. You’ve got some of the oldest senior citizens in the world, and now it’s like some alien conspiracy zapped them all away. I mean, the worst that we usually do is misplace our sandals. But human beings? Wowie zowie.

We’ll cure that four hour erection now

The pharmaceuticals industry has changed the way we view old age. Old men used to be creepy; now they’re creepy with boners.

As a result of Generation Viagra, women have fallen behind. While the average 55-year-old woman can remain sexually active for an additional 11 years, the average 55-year-old clinically-induced chubbie will continue to hump her leg until the undertaker forcibly restrains him.

If you thought that was bad enough, the fastest growing age group with STDs are the elderly. (Your grandmother apparently prefers to “ride bareback.”)

So, think about that next time you’re visiting older relatives.

Insert joke here

Oh sure, everyone like a joke every now and then, but a chance to offend? Well, that’s just keen. And a chance to offend not one, but two demographics? Heaven.

One Japanese (Asian demographic) driver went the wrong way down one road and continued on. Yikes.

For 47 kilometers, which is over 30 miles. Super yikes.

Big suprise: he was old (and demographic number two). A 68-year-old retired man from Ozu drove his old man car in the wrong lane of the Matsuyama Expressway for about 47 kilometers yesterday. Nothing serious happened. Of course, by serious, I mean deadly. The old man was slightly injured, and he did cause another driver to hit a road marker, though. The driver said that he noticed he was in the wrong lane early on, but “panicked” and continued on. That bodes just so well for his reaction time. Continue reading Insert joke here

Oh yeah, there’s other games too

It’s OK to admit it. You’ve probably had it with the mainstream press. All the time it’s “Waggle bowling this” and “Wiggle bowling strike WOW!” that. And it’s not just regular people-more of ten than not, it’s scenes of octogenarians Wii Bowling every time they want to talk about the successes of the Wii. Apparently so have they.

So the press has moved on to Wii Boxing.

Change is coming, and not just soon in the White House. Bloomberg would like you to know this by first giving you a touching scene of sweaty old men virtually pummeling one another, then moving onto some of the hard numbers:

In San Bernardino County, 350 people aged 58 to 85 have participated in six-week fitness classes at senior centers since July, underscoring how the Wii has expanded the market for Kyoto, Japan-based Nintendo.

U.S. retailers have sold 15.4 million Wii players since the console was introduced in 2006, according to research firm NPD Group Inc.

The 8 million purchased through 11 months of 2008 exceeded the combined total for Microsoft Corp.’s Xbox 360 and Sony Corp.’s PlayStation 3.

That’s a whole lotta Depends. Nonetheless, be careful out there youngsters. Aggressive seniors are on the prowl!