The Olympics are on, and that means the world is sitting down to watch a bunch of sports they ordinarily we would normally skip right past scrolling through our TV channels. In a week and a half, no one will care about bobsled or ice dancing.
Ever wanted to become an Olympic athlete? Turns out you need to eat eggs — a whole lot of eggs. That’s probably what Team Norway is doing after they mistakenly ordered 10 times more eggs than they could possibly need.
The chefs for Norway’s Olympic team tried to order 1,500 eggs from a supermarket in South Korea, using Google Translate as an intermediary. So the team was surprised when 15,000 eggs showed up for delivery. No one’s sure where there extra zero got added in the process.
But if you’re at the Pyeongchang Games want some killer omelettes, go find the Norwegians. They probably have a few eggs to spare.
Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?
Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.
Equal time rule A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition
So, when’s the next Doomsday estimate? Does anyone know? For a couple years now, it’s been one after another. We had the crazy guy with the church (which could be said for pretty much any End of Days prediction, really), saying the world was going to end two different times. Today, we proved the Mayans wrong. At some point, waiting for the world to end turns into wanting the world to end. If you were raptured this week, odds are you missed it.
A cop on every corner
Exactly one week after 26 people, including 20 elementary-school students, were murdered at the hands of a crazed shooter with legally-acquired assault weapons, the NRA broke its silence. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre blamed the media, video games, movies, music videos, natural disasters, the Obama administration and more as the cause of the shooting. But not guns. The group called for an armed police officer to be assigned to every school in the U.S., and if funding can’t be found, have armed volunteers patrol instead. Because the only thing that can keep an armed stranger from roaming the halls of our schools is an armed stranger roaming the halls of our schools.
The long, strange lives of Olympians
Olympians may live longer than the average human because they lead active lifestyles, according to a study released this week. In unrelated news, The Smoking Gun found that former Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton has been making money lately as an escort in Las Vegas, charging $600 an hour. Favor Hamilton said she looks forward to outliving her coworkers.
Person of the Year: The Year
TIME named President Barack Obama its person of the year, the second time he has won the honor. Obama beat out the Higgs Boson. After naming “the protester” the person of 2011, I’m just glad that the venerable magazine remembered to give the award to a specific person, rather than a group of persons, or you know, a theoretical particle.
Canada may be sort of douchey, especially when it comes to hockey. They’re all, “This is our national sport, we should win the gold medal.” And we’re all, “Hey, we like that game played with the ice and the stick thingies, too!” But you have to grant them one thing: they know how to piss off animal activists and send a message to our foes.
Seals present one of the biggest threats to our kind that we have ever seen. Canada is leading the way in battling them. They included seal skin the the uniforms of their Olympic athletes, they make the English eat fresh seal hearts, and they even eat seal meat.
Now, the Canadian Parliament is going to up the stakes by eating seal meat to fight a European Union ban. Mmmm, bacon-wrapped seal loin.
As some of you may have heard they just held the Winter Olympics in Vancouver (the one in Canada). You probably heard about all the controversies, triumphs and manufactured story lines NBC could come up with. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with that.
What I am here to talk to you about is drinking and screwing–Olympic style. You may not know it, they certainly don’t talk about it on television, but the Olympic village is one big romp. This is true. Apparently, a bunch of slender, fit, hormone-crazed people under the age of 27 mate like crazy, possibly in hopes of creating a master Olympic race, possibly because accents are so sexy.
Sad to say, but it’s the end of February, everyone’s favorite month. Not only is it cold and snowy, but it’s a month of great holidays everyone either loves or questions its existence, like Groundhog Day (Feb. 2), Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14), President’s Day (Feb. 15), and Waitangi Day (Feb. 6). It’s also the end of Black History Month, so say goodbye to ‘Glory’ on your cable’s OnDemand service. Now we get to say hello to March, which like a schizophrenic sex partner, comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, or vis versa. If you were busy having a sit-down with opponents to your health care reform plan, odds are you missed it.
At least they have one medal to cheer about
The Canadian women’s hockey team won gold medals in Thursday night’s game. They celebrated in the traditional Olympic manner during the medal ceremony. Then, a half hour later, they came back out onto the ice, this time wielding champagne, beer and cigars. The on-ice celebration is allegedly a common form of Canadian celebration. One of the players trying to drive the Zamboni? Not so much. In case you’re wondering, champions drink Coors Light and Molson Canadian (natch).
The $500 bathroom trip
Over 400 people became sick on a cruise ship in the Caribbean this week. Rather than a memorable cruise to some tropical location, the norovirus went on vacation with 435 of the 1,838 passengers, who basically saw more of the poop deck than anything else. What’s even more surprising, the ship on which the the outbreak of diarrhea occurred, Celebrity Cruise Lines’ “Mercury,” had two outbreaks last year. Let’s just say you want to stay away from the hot tub on that boat.
Moving forward–whether you want to or not
Akio Toyoda, the president of Toyota, (much like William C. Fort is the head of Ford) testified before Congress this week over the recalls his company has been hit with and the recent memos bragging about a 2007 deal with the federal government that have surfaced recently. During his testimony, Toyoda said the company will work hard to regain consumer trust and fix the issues. In other news, even this isn’t helping General Motors’ sales.
The Olympics are coming up. Only for some reason, they’re having them in the winter. What’s worse, they’re being held in Vancouver, Canada.
But not every team will get to go to these alleged “winter games,” unless they get help from the followers of a show on Comedy Central (which is also how it worked in ancient Greece). The U.S. Speed Skating team was sponsored by DSB Bank, which is based in the Netherlands, somewhere near the Dutch. Then the bank went belly-up.
Stephen Colbert and his followers, the Colbert Nation, came to the rescue. Lead by their namesake, the Colbert Nation have put up thousands of dollars to send our boys and girls all the way to Vancouver, which I believe is a matter of miles north of Seattle.
In unrelated news, The Guys are forming a curling team, and we need money.
OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.
We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.
Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:
They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
They even claim to be world champion football players.Really? Which Manning’s on your team?
You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.
(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)