Tag: olympics

Another America?

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

  • They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
  • They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
  • They even claim to be world champion football players. Really? Which Manning’s on your team?

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1970-1979)

We have reached the third part in our ongoing series Better Know a Decade History That Happened in the Past. This time, we’re covering the 1970s. While technically The Sixties didn’t end until about 1973, it is still important to acknowledge that the 1970s were in fact a decade, a hairy, oversexed decade.

The good news was that all the assassinations and angry mobs were more or less over by the time the 1970s rolled around, thus, it was time for America to let other countries have a chance at scaring it senseless. All the while the U.S. rejoiced in the feeling that the Vietnam War was over, because allegedly it was.

Grab your polyester and hit the jump. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1970-1979)

Admiral Obama be showin’ his true colors!

Yar! We knew that there be a reason for why a landlubber like Barack Obama was voted in as President of the United States of America-and there it be! Why look, he’s clearly holding up a lad while his crew be standing behind him! Look at him earning his bequeathed name of Squinty Fireship Stormwatcher! Why, there’s even some foggy background in the sky behind him. We can only hope that some saucy tunes join The S.S. Blanco, but he avoids comely wenches.

We’ve already seen what happens when admirals be attracted to their charms.

Wait a sea-cow floating minute. What’re ye saying that this be a PR stunt? Ye be saying that it be nothing more than a big dose of chicanery? That it simply be a stunt? Curse my eyes!

Well, he might be skilled with an unreal sword, but be he deft with a blade?

YAR!

You Missed It: Calling it quits edition

You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.

Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.

This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?

London 2012, here we come!

We’ve been telling you about how the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games are going to be a little different because of the PETA/Canada seal controversy. Well, it seems England is not to be outdone by one of her Commonwealths (Commonwealves?).

In the summer of 2012, the world’s top athletes will head to London (England) for another Olympiad. The only thing is, they’ll be competing on an ancient burial ground. Forty-five severed skulls were found in the ground on a road that is being built for the new Olympic complex, and they may date back to the first century AD, when the Romans were in town.

So let’s get ready for the Haunted Olympics! Say, has anyone reserved that title, I smell a made-for-TV movie!

The fight for mankind never takes a vacation

As some of you may have heard, I was out Friday and yesterday (yet the McBournie Minute was posted, weird!). But, we’re at war, and this war has no armistices or even ceases of fire (cease fires?). So let’s take a look at what’s going on on the front lines.

Russia’s getting antsy. They’ve been flying near our Navy’s ships, they’ve been killing political opponents, and they seem to like bears in general. Now, they are going ofter people trying to take out one of our greatest threats: the goat. Apparently, someone’s been flying around on a helicopter hunting a rare species of goat, most likely cranking Ride of the Valkyries. All they are trying to do is rid us of their threat and ensure our safety, but Russia wants the hunting stopped.

But the good news is that Canada gets us. More importantly, they’ve got our backs. PETA is after Canada about the annual seal hunt. They want to boycott the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. Well, Canada said “F-you, eh!” to PETA last week when they voted to include seal skin in the uniforms of their athletes at the games. Get your hotel and plane reservations now, it’s time to go protester clubbing in Vancouver!

You Missed It: Take my kid, please edition

Not that we are watching the clock or anything, but it appears to be Friday and nearing 5 pm–that is unless you don’t live on Eastern Daylight Time, in which case, tough cookies. I am certainly itching to get out of here and I am sure I am not the only one. If you were busy contracting swine flu this week, odds are you missed it.

Bollywood has its scandals, too
This week, Indian police investigated allegations that the father of Slumdog Millionare star Rubina Ali had once tried to put her up for adoption for $400,000. The initial accusation came from the girl’s estranged mother, and took off when the press got wind of it. The police cleared Rafiq Qureshi of any wrongdoing. Qureshi said, “Of course I didn’t sell her back then, and it’s a good thing, too, because she’s worth a lot more now.”

Clearly, this is not a good time to be a pirate
One of the Swedish judges who convicted torrent site The Pirate Bay last week admitted this week that he had been part of a copyright protection group, which, as they say in Sweden, is probably an example of bias on the judge’s part and therefor the case should be retried. Well, that’s what the lawyers are saying anyway. I have a question, why are the Swedes so hard on piracy? Aren’t they known for invading the territory of others, taking whatever they want, then making a profit off of it?

‘What? Hacking? Noooooo, not us!’
Somebody hacked into park of the plans for the $300 billion Joint Strike Fighter program–the most expensive military aerospace project in U.S. history. They didn’t get much, but they got something, and the U.S. Department of Defense is looking at China. China flatly denies hacking any U.S. stuff, even though their military has a corps of hackers and they are suspected of causing the Northeast Blackout of 2003. China also denied rumors that the Olympics were held in Beijing last summer.

PETA continues to stand for the rights of the cute in the face of reason

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) hates Canada. Who wouldn’t? They’re quiet, polite and well-behaved, those jerks. But now it’s become something more than just a traditional why-won’t-you-stop-putting-puppies-and-kittens-to-sleep kind of hatred. Now it’s more of a we’re-going-to-look-like-douches-on-an-international-stage kind.

That’s right, folks, PETA is going to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics because the Canadian government will not end the clubbing of baby seals. In fact, baby seal clubbing is one of the new events at the games. Just like the huge success that the human rights protests against the Beijing games were last year, (if you recall, the games were canceled and China was disgraced in the eyes of the world), PETA will use the same smarmy tactics next year.

Let’s get one thing straight: Canada is our ally in the War on Animals. They help us rid their barren country, and in turn, the world, of the vicious baby seal threat. Fact: One in every four child deaths in Canada is an attack from a baby seal.

(via Deadspin)

Reefer madness destroys Olympic Gold Medalist

The “squares” in Washington and the clergy have been trying to warn you youngsters, but clearly you haven’t paid attention: marijuana is a dangerous, dangerous drug and nobody is immune to its ill effects.

Even the greatest young people aren’t immune to its devil charms. Michael Phelps, the gazillion-time Olympic Gold Medalist, may face pot charges after a photo of him smoking a marijuana pipe reached the Internet.

The American hero was minding his own business, making a publicity/inspirational appearance at the University of South Carolina. He found himself at a party, enjoying records and talking to nice girls.

All of a sudden, in walks Steve, an English major, who offers everyone a “party favor” from his “magic party vase.” Steve’s a nice guy and really into art and clothes; who would suspect that he was on a suicide terrorist mission to destroy the lives of all his friends and Michael Phelps?

(We would. Also, Steve’s clearly gay.)

Marijuana works against the body like so:

  1. The smoke is inhaled into the lungs, where it is sent with oxygen to the brain.
  2. THC, a chemical in the smoke, makes the brain go wonky and creates the world’s most longest, most annoying jam music.
  3. Adults find out you’ve been smoking marijuana and get angry.
  4. You go to jail for contributing to the estates of the surviving Grateful Dead.

So, for the love of God and America, don’t get caught smoking marijuana. The parents will never shut up about it.