If you’ve ever used the Internet read the news today, then you might be having trouble trusting what you read online. At least 17 percent of respondents managed to not lie to an online survey long enough to admit that they lie about who they are online.
If you think that number is low, be aware that this survey was conducted by Norton, who has a hard time tracking down viruses, much less people who lie about:
- Having a 9-inch wiener.
- Their time as an Army Ranger.
- The research behind their paranormal studies/religious expertise/conspiracy theory.
- Totally not using a Mac right now.
The Guys just want to reassure you right now that we are who we say we are: Will Smith’s backup dancers. To be honest, though, we didn’t all dance for him at the same time.
It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.
The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”
(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)
We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!
When we started the War on Animals, we did so with a clear sense of purpose. Animals were mauling people left and right and stealing our expensively-hormone-injected crops and livestock.
Robots, which can only be considered animals in some Transformer units, have been on our to-do list for a while. The problem was that we needed a Pearl Harbor moment; otherwise, we’d just look like dicks if we declared war on iPads.
Gentlemen (and warlike ladies): we have That Moment. Computer viruses are spreading into humans like monkey AIDS. To borrow the enemy’s binary language, it’s either us or not us (them).
We’d like to add that it’s not our fault that primates are sexy in a Billie Piper sort of way.
Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”
Or … they could be The Fuzz!
Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.
Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.
So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.
Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.
We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:
- The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
- The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)
Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.
Believe it or not, there’s an actual method to TSA screening beyond searching for 3-ounce shampoo bottles.
Their screening manual was leaked online, and includes possible methods for defeating airport security measures like using a wheelchair or wearing a cast or orthropedic shoes.
Really? They don’t suspect the disabled despite the 1993 World Trade Center bombing being planned by a blind guy and the retarded fundamentalists that try to light their shoes on fire? I guess the TSA has a cutoff point for “too disabled.”
The only thing that disappoints us about this story is that they don’t explain why other methods are used in the first place, like banning Swiss Army knives. Have you tried to open one in a moment of passion? It takes three tries just to extend a useful tool, and even then, it’ll probably be a magnifying glass or can openner.
The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.
Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.
So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:
- Burnt baby diapers
Anything else would be unnatural.
According to Rupert Murdoch, we might have to pay to read The New York Post online!
(Don’t tell him we haven’t been reading it for free.)
Another morning, another day that your parents will ask you, “When are you going to give me a grandbaby?” (Apparently, they want a sexless grandchild.)
And then there’s Nadya Suleman, the single mother who just gave birth to octuplets because she had fertility treatments, implanted all six fertilized embryos and already had six children to boot. If she can do it, what excuse do you have for wannabe Grampy and Mom-mom?
It’s days like this that make it impossible to start your day …
Ah, but she can’t. Suleman’s now begging for handouts online, accepting Visa, MasterCard, American Express, PayPal and Discover.
Oh, Nadya. Nobody takes Discover. That’s just sad.
Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.