Canada way ahead of U.S. in meth cooking education

“I am the one who politely knocks.”

Canada is our neighbor to the north, if you believe what the dishonest media says. And it’s no secret that the Canadian education system beats ours in a lot of different ways. They even teach their kids to learn a trade by giving them instructions for cooking drugs.

In Ontario, a teacher has found herself suspended after she assigned homework that included instructions on how to cook and inject crystal meth. The drama teacher reportedly printed out instructions, which included ingredients, for meth, so that her students could create a skit about it.

There have been no reports as to how good the recipe is.

Parrot jerk nearly gets owner arrested

If animals can’t kill or injure you, they will try to ruin your life by getting you arrested. It’s just a fact.

Police in Ontario responded to a man’s house after neighbors reported sounds of a domestic disturbance going on inside. You know it’s bad when your neighbors can hear your argument. What they found they weren’t prepared for.

Authorities said they found the man inside his house screaming death threats at his pet parrot. The man had apparently had a few drinks, and told the officers that the parrot had been yelling at him, and he was simply responding in kind. But of course, the parrot kept its mouth shit around the officers. Luckily, the man wasn’t charged.

Canadian man apologetic about lamest drunken act ever

“If I’m going to be in the paper, I’d at least like them to say I actually made it, even though I got in trouble and everything,” Morillo, 47, said Tuesday. “I gotta pay fines and stuff. But I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t make it, because then my buddies are going to say ‘ha, ha, you didn’t make it.’ Because that was the whole thing, to show them I could do it.”

Good luck with those fines, John Morillo. After any activity involving yourself with the city of Detroit, even the Detroit River, you and your acts are now instantly devalued.

Crickets aren’t gentlemen in a fight

Douche.
Douche.

If there were any crickets involved in the attack on New York we told you about yesterday, there’s little doubt that they are chirping and bragging away right now. We know this because of science.

A researcher in Ontario (yes, sadly, in Canada), has found that crickets will talk trash through their chirping and dance around before they fight. Also, apparently crickets fight. And when they win, the crickets even brag, which is a clear indication that the concept of sportsmanship can’t be comprehended by the insect brain, or that all crickets are from New Jersey.

These just in

The high school yearbook is a sacred tradition. Everyone signs each other’s books, and then no one ever looks at them ever again. But for that narrow window when people are signing, they are also flipping through the pages quickly out of sheer boredom. This is when pranks are found, like, say is someone exposes themselves.

At a Catholic School in Ontario, school officials are handing out stickers to remove nudity from the yearbook that no one noticed until nearly all of the books were handed out. (Canadian schools hand out yearbooks mid-way through the year because families need the fuel for fires in the cold winter months.) Someone on the school’s news team exposed his testicles in their group photo, and now, there’s going to be a sticker covering them.

How many times do schools have to learn? You never take your eyes off those journalism kids.

Begun the Lego Star Wars have

A new front in the space race has opened. Two Canadian teenagers, Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, have sent a Lego man 15 miles up into the atmosphere for a measly $400.

Our brothers from the norther side of the border launched their Legonaut using a weather balloon, onboard cameras and a GPS-equipped cell phone from Ontario. It drifted back to Canadian soil by parachute only 75 miles away from their launch site, where witnesses claim an alien spacecraft crashed while their government insists some swamp gas flared up.

We offer Ho and Muhammad our congratulations with the caveat that they promise not to destroy our crumbling space program the way Avril Lavigne did with punk rock.

Setting the future back by a few years

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Canada. You’re a friendly enough country that you’re supposed to be progressive toward the future, not against it.

A group of Ontario parents dubbed the Simcoe County Safe School Committee believes Wi-Fi transmitters in schools may be responsible for a host of symptoms their kids show — from headaches to an inability to concentrate — all of which disappear on weekends.

Now, just to point out something-what they’re essentially upset about are radio signals. You know what also uses radio signals? Radios. Of course, radio waves are actually weaker than actual visible light waves which you are immersed in constantly, but pay no heed to that.

Parents of Ontario, progress is not something that you should be scared about. Embrace it. Love it. Coddle it, rather than coddling your children with fear over nothing. The next thing you’ll tell us is that topically-applied fluoride doesn’t prevent tooth decay, but it does render teeth detectable by spy satellites.

Soon it’ll be “Ohhhhhh Canada”

Rarely has our category ever been more accurate.

Canada, specifically Ontario, has begun the first steps in legalizing prostitution. A ruling by a judge took down three laws under the pretense that it’s to balance the rights of sex-trade workers, rather than having to deal with the concept of morality.

Now, what does this mean?

  1. Prostitutes could eventually become a unionized group, an outcome that could possibly lead to scantily and garishly clad women going on strike and many single men becoming incredibly sore (we’ll let you read into that).
  2. Don’t be surprised to see home sales, apartment rentals and hotel stays in Ontario go up.

Super Mario forced me to touch the kiddies

Blaming videogames for your sins is all the rage, and it’s such a hip movement that even dirty pedophiles are doing it! 38-year-old Ontario man Michael Cherry sure loves him some kiddy porn, but in pleading guilty to possessing the grisly stuff, he offered a most compelling explanation.

Cherry has implicated video games and comic books as contributors to his diseased state of mind, claiming that he lived in a “closed box” and that his “friendless fantasy” was fueled by interactive entertainment. The truck driver also did what many pedophiles do and tried to play the “bad childhood” card, bemoaning a life in foster care and bringing up his apparent clinical depression.

“I’d work, come home . . . lock myself in my apartment…”

Of course, there’s no excuse for downloading child pornography, no matter your background or social standing. It’s just sad that excuses are being made, and it’s thanks to those out there who have made games and comics, among other totally unrelated forms of media, easy scapegoats for criminals who wish to shed themselves of any sense of accountability. Of course, it makes one wonder who’s going to take the accountability of popping Cherry’s cherry in jail.

At least, if you weren’t wondering then, you are now. I am an evil person.