Tagged: optimism

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You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading

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You Missed It: Plugged in edition

All hacking-related stock photos are hilarious, but the Hackers poster is still the best.

Late night talk shows have to have celebrity gimmicks now. They’re all doing games with celebrities, or singing in cars with celebrities, or doing fake singing competitions with celebrities. These things are funny once or twice, but after a while the shows lean on them like a crutch. I don’t know, I’m a sucker for comedy writing. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe Jay Leno wasn’t so bad. If you were busy waiting to go see a Star Wars movie that’s about Star Wars but not one of the real, numbered Star Wars movies this week, odds are you missed it.

Report: Trump was right about the election being rigged
This week, the FBI backed a CIA report that Russia hacked the U.S. presidential election in favor of a Trump victory. It’s also been reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin was involved in the decision to hack. But Republicans have decided it’s not a concern, as they cannot find a way to blame Hillary Clinton for it, yet.

Stocking the Cabinet
President-elect Donald Trump announced that he will nominate former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to head the Department of Energy, or as Perry calls it, “The uh, ummmm, the–I can’t, oops.” Trump also nominated ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, a friend of Putin, for secretary of state, rejecting a CIA report claiming Tillerson had been hacked by the Russians.

Optimism is overrated
And finally, a new report this week found that trying to always find the silver lining when things don’t go your way could actually bad for you. If that’s the case, 2016 has been a landmark year in mental health.