Four cups of coffee a day keeps the cancer, sexy makeouts away

The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but the study couldn't find any, presumably because they live slightly out of faze in space and time.
The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but they couldn’t find any traveling slower than light.

The results of a survey started in 1982 should cause heavy coffee drinkers flash their biggest, brownest smiles: drinking four or more cups of coffee a day may cut your chances of dying from oral and throat cancers in half.

(Just to be clear: it only prevents dying from oral and throat cancers, not contracting them.)

Researchers evaluated over 968,000 cancer-free men and women in 1982. Within the next 26 years, 868 of those people had died from oral and throat cancer.

Of those with one or both cancers who hadn’t died, the researchers evaluated their lifestyles, including caffeination. Those with the cancers who drank anywhere from four to six cups of caffeinated coffee a day outlived those who drank tea, decaf and no coffee at all by nearly 50 percent.

So, Death may not have a nose, but he still doesn’t like coffee breath.

Your mouth is a cancer zone

Bet you won’t hear John Mayer singing that song.

Everything will kill you. Often, this consists of the stuff you don’t like. More often, though, it consists of the stuff that you do like. And the stuff that you do like? It turns out it may kill you slowly, it may kill you quickly, it all depends on what other contributing factors you want to include.

We don’t want to alarm anyone, nor do we want to jump to conclusions-but we do suspect that prostitutes may be nothing more than pustules wearing skin suits.