Behind the Candlelabia Majora

"You know how I made these, right? Sex with my wife. With ejaculation and everything."
“You know how I made these, right? Sex with my wife. With ejaculation and everything.”

Michael Douglas, star of The Guys’ favorite childhood movies — Romancing the Stone and Falling Down — paused his career a few years ago to punch throat cancer right in the balls. Now that it’s in remission, he’s back to acting in a new HBO biopic, Behind the Candelabra, where he plays Liberace making sweet, sweet love to Matt Damon.

And in totally unrelated news, he’d like to remind you that he has sex with women. So much so that he swears that he got his throat cancer by contracting HPV from having oral sex with women. Like, so many women, you guys. And did he mention he’s also married to Catherine Zeta-Jones? C’mon, that’s like a straight man’s Porche. As opposed to his Ferrari, which sits in the garage, never driven except at big public events.

So, to recap: Michael Douglas, back in the acting chair and can play gay, but loves women so much that they almost killed him. That’s some fine PR-ing, Mike.

[Special thanks to Jaime W. for the tip! Uh, we mean link to the story.]

It sucks a little less (or more) to be a teen

The National Center for Health Statistics, a division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reports that oral sex among teens has gone down — yeah, we said it — steadily since 2002 acoording to their latest research from 2010.

As of today, 41 percent of girls and 47 percent of boys aged 16 to 19 reported reaching third base. And, of 15 to 24 year olds, it was overwhelmingly a rounding third, as only 5.1 percent of girls of 6.5 percent of boys didn’t go all the way home. (This study says that home is where your vagina is. We guess the ass is more of a hotel or resort.)

What’s a little disturbing, though, is that those precentages are based on receiving. Boys, some of you aren’t returning the favor. To quote Han Solo: get in there, you big, furry oafs! We don’t care what you smell.

Your mouth is a cancer zone

Bet you won’t hear John Mayer singing that song.

Everything will kill you. Often, this consists of the stuff you don’t like. More often, though, it consists of the stuff that you do like. And the stuff that you do like? It turns out it may kill you slowly, it may kill you quickly, it all depends on what other contributing factors you want to include.

We don’t want to alarm anyone, nor do we want to jump to conclusions-but we do suspect that prostitutes may be nothing more than pustules wearing skin suits.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

Oral sex + knife = baby?

If you thought that it wasn’t sex if you only made with the mouth games, then we regret to inform you, Mr. President, that you are wrong.

In 1988, a 15-year-old African girl with no vagina gave birth. (It was a Caesarean birth, obviously.)

So, how did a girl from Lesotho get pregnant without a vagina?

  1. Orally.
  2. And then followed with a knife fight.

She was stabbed in the stomach by a jealous ex-boyfriend shortly after swallowing manimals, opening a channel for the sperm to swim into her love canal.

So, perhaps when we talk about safe sex, we should add a new method: leaving your knives at home.

(Special thanks to Kristen E.)

You can’t say that in education

The Daily Show has traditionally closed its shows with a piece called “Your moment of zen.”

Say hello to your moment of weeping for the future. God forbid the kids actually learn what it is from a source that doesn’t imply rightness or wrongness, but instead just gives them the non-titillating facts. Or pictures of old people wearing rapist glasses. Watch out National Geographic, you might be next!

Giving while the giving’s … free

Nine women and twelve men have been arrested in Greece for participating in an unsanctioned oral sex competition (as if there’s anything close to that being listed as sanctioned) on a beach in Greece. Joe Francis has been cleared of any connection to the event, as he was too busy being in jail to schedule it. The lesson learned? The next time this happens, make sure that it takes place in Madison Square Garden, like most big name sporting events. Or, the Greek island of Lesbos, which we hear is quite nice this time of year, if a bit confused about its identity.

We do have one question though: “encouraging obscene behavior?” You can really be arrested for that in Greece? Just what are the requirements to fulfill such an act?

OK, maybe that was more than just one question.

How To: Eat a hot dog respectably

freud_hot-dogAs we get closer to summer, there is a threat looming on the horizon: barbeques. More specifically, we are referring to eating hot dogs in public. During the winter months, The Guys dine in solitude, devouring anything microwavable, safe from the prying eyes of people at parks.

But with the rapid approach of Memorial Day, our nation will be faced with a question that fills our hearts with dread: “Burger or dog?” Sure, the burger’s the safe choice, but sometimes they run out of burgers or the jerk wearing the “World’s Greatest Chef” apron only cooks them well done.

So, how do you eat a hot dog respectably without looking like Linda Lovelace? In other words, what separates how you eat a hot dog from a “not dog.” That’s the subject of this week’s How To. Continue reading How To: Eat a hot dog respectably