Wild turkeys take over college campus

There is an ongoing hostage situation in Eugene, Oregon, and unfortunately young people are among those being held hostage. The suspects: wild turkeys.

The campus of Lane Community College has been swamped by wild turkeys that don’t appear to be afraid of humans. The flightless birds are harassing people who get too close, and there are reports of turkey poop covering the campus. A city council member referred to the turkeys as “gangsters.”

If the turkeys refuse to leave a college campus even though no one wants them there, we suspect a better term for them is “alt-right free speech advocates.”

Game of Thrones cosplayers one step closer to living their dream

Over the past two years, Game of Thrones mania has swept the nation, potentially the world. People left and right are caught up in the drama involving House Stark, politics, intrigue and dirty, dirty sex. Now some crazy people in Oregon have decided to take the obsession with the show one step further: the dire wolf is coming.

Lois Schwarz, of the Schwarz Kennels in White City, Oregon, and founder of The Dire Wolf Project, is attempting to breed the extinct species in order to have as a pet. Well, sort of. The theory is to bring back the aesthetics and looks of the dire wolf somehow in a domesticated companion dog breed. Why? A few reasons: as mentioned earlier, the dire wolf is extinct, it’s illegal to keep the modern gray wolf as a pet and a nerd is quickly parted with a lot of money (these beasts won’t come cheap).

People, perhaps you haven’t paid too much attention to the show or the books, but the dire wolves featured are very large, very scary and very dangerous. Bringing them back is not just a bad idea, it’s a … dire idea. [God, that was horrible, and SeriouslyGuys is ashamed that I wrote it.]

Cosplayers, don’t support this. Stick with the basics to support your costuming purposes: a paper mache dragon (that can be easily lost), a flaming sword, leeches and a missing ear.

Traffic spills: the newest epidemic sweeping the nation

Add another item to list of things that apparently need to be on the road: bee hives. Just how many Chris Farley imitations were done?

Four different traffic spills of completely unrelated but dangerous items in a one month period. Is there something we need to know about the truckers of the United States?

Man buys expensive booze, doesn’t offer us any

There are some things in life that we at SG HQ will just never have. A Ford GT prototype, the ability to pee standing up, a Double-Double Animal style, a rock opera starring Ice T, even our very own continent — sadly all are out of our reach. We just can’t reach that echelon of monetary status.

That said, we are here on our hands and knees, begging for a sip of Lyle Shellenberg’s latest purchase: a 50 year old bottle of scotch. We consider ourselves amateur alcohol connoisseurs and it would only make our destiny if we were to have a glass of that sweet, sweet liquid. Please, Mister Shellenberg, make our dream come true.

Hey, it’s not like we’re asking for a sixer of Pabst. We’ve got class.

Bears are the new zombies

Halloween may be done and over with, but as you and I know, the terrifying flesh-eaters known as zombies never hold themselves to just that night. Alas! Things would be much easier if they did.

Well, now we have animals other than opossums using similar tactics as zombies to kill us! For example, a hunter in Oregon was doing his noble business when he came across a bear, no doubt rummaging through some campers’ rucksack like a hobo and being as destructive as possible. Committed to his duty, the hunter, a youth by the name of Alex Machado, shot the bear. When Machado checked the bear to see if it had passed this mortal coil, the bear rose up, grasping him into a bear hug (how original, bear) and sending them both over a cliff! Oh no! Luckily, Machado survived the fall and the bear was then shot … again.

People, our current way of hunting is just too risky. We need to apply zombie survival tactics to animals from now on. Remember: before you check, give them two shots to the head, even if you were already aiming at their noggin.

Hipsters now topped as #1 most hated Oregon export

Congratulations! It’s been a long-time coming, but science has finally found something in Oregon that can officially top hipsters and free-range everything as the worst things to come from the state: a new spider.

And its legs are hooks. Hooks!

Please, species traitors spider-lovers, tell me just how we can love something with the name trogloraptor?

Rock beats scissors, dual lightsabers beats taser

A man from Hillsboro, Oregon has been arrested and charged with assault after allegedly attacking customers at a Toys ‘R Us store with … drum roll please … wait for it … two plastic lightsabers.

The man, armed with two lightsabers and his abnormally high mitochondrial count, started swinging the toy weapons at customers in the store last week. You can just see the transition from Jedi to Sith.

When the police were called, the 33 year-old moved out to the car park. When cops confronted him there, he began attacking them with the lightsabers, and when one officer shot a taser at him he “knocked one of the wires away”. Such skill and finesse.

It was all for naught, though. Police eventually got the better of Master Porkins, who now faces “allegations of disorderly conduct, theft, assault, resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer”.

Rum barrel politics

It’s been nearly four years since we mentioned the Pirate party. Back then, it was mostly in Sweden. If you stop and think about it, they probably should have called it the Viking party. Regardless, there is a U.S. branch of the political movement, as we reported four years ago. (Just think, a Pirate president could have served a full term in that time.)

But now, for some reason, they’ve been spotted in Oregon for the first time in a while (video). In case you forgot, the party stands for a free, open internet and a great deal of rum. Sure, the Pirate party doesn’t seem to have websites as the state level, but if they did, that would just make it easier for the navy to hunt them down.

This fall, vote for swashbuckling. Vote Pirate.

Remember: Talk Like a Pirate Day is only a month away!

Fish deadly to humans, this time for eating purposes

The Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Seafood Watch program has assigned a red “avoid” recommendation to wild-caught California and Oregon salmon, based on continued low levels of salmon returning to the Sacramento River. Gee, that’s helpful. While that advice may seem clear cut, the change in recommendations can be confusing.

The avoid rating for Oregon salmon applies only to fish caught south of Cape Falcon. It does not apply to the entire state of Oregon. That’s because there are two different salmon stocks being fished on the Pacific coast-those that spawn in the Sacramento River, where stock levels have been troubled in recent years; and salmon fished from the Columbia River, thought to have moderately healthy population levels.

Hey, nature, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but when you came into existence, you agreed to an unspoken social contract. The terms were that we wouldn’t eat all of you, just the strong majority of you, and as such, you wouldn’t try to kill us. By keeping your population in a perpetual declination, you are clearly trying to kill us, albeit, very slowly. Knock it off.

Put down the po’boy



Now that I have your attention, I’ll stop using all-caps. I apologize for that, but it was the only way to get through to your cholesterol soaked brains. You see, it was a necessary evil in order to communicate the bad news that the US Health Resources and Services Administration has declared to the country. It would seem that you’ve allowed your number of obese children to rise to 22 percent. That’s a lot of fat kids loving cake.

Sorry for the Curtis Jackson reference. Less deep frying of okra and more steaming of okra instead?

Anyways, there is some good news-for Oregon. That state apparently has the least amount of obese kids, with just 10 percent. That’s not nearly as bad as yours. For shame, M-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-HUMPBACK-HUMPBACK-I. Maybe you should be a lot more like them and a lot less like you.