Oregon lawmakers consider legalizing duels

The Broadway musical Hamilton has popularized a lot of things — $10 bills, powdered wigs and theater nerds rapping. But most importantly, it’s gotten people asking, “Why can’t politicians murder each other anymore?” Spoiler alert: Alexander Hamilton says he didn’t throw away his shot just before he dies.

An Oregon state lawmaker wants to see a revival of the once-popular trend of duels. Sen. Brian Boquist thinks it’s stupid that the state constitution specifically prohibits politicians from holding duels. Apparently when the state was founded, they wanted to make sure that elected officials wouldn’t murder each other, even though racism was A-OK.

Boquist claims he doesn’t want to legally ice any of his coworkers, he just wants to make a point about outdated laws on the books. But you won’t find his fellow senators impugning his honor, either.

You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

Craft beer’s war isn’t with Bud, it’s with bud

Washington state, Oregon and Colorado are home to some of the finest craft breweries in the country, but beer isn’t selling like it used to in those states, thanks to marijuana.

According to a new report, residents in those states are increasingly choosing weed over suds. Legalized marijuana has allowed more choices for those who want a buzz, which means people aren’t picking up as much craft beer as they used to. Data shows that beer sales haven’t matched expectations in the past two years, meanwhile, marijuana sales are high. (GET IT?)

But all this really means is that the brewery that makes a smokable beer will be  very rich.

The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!

You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.

So let’s take a look at some of the big issues out there. As I did two years ago, I’ll tell you which way you should vote tomorrow. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

You Missed It: Toy soldier edition

That's not an uncoiled snake he's holding up.
That’s not an uncoiled snake he’s holding up.

There are few live events that are as predictable as the State of the Union address. The president comes in, says a bunch of things that probably aren’t going to happen, and the members of Congress in his party stand and clap every now and then. But we all watch it. It’s one of the few things we all still have in common. Some watch it to see what the next great meme will be, others watch it because they’re playing a drinking game, and a few may even watch it to be inspired. It’s the same reason why we watch the Super Bowl. If you were busy waiting in line for Powerball ticket this week, odds are you missed it.

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
This week, the armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a new video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin–and this is true–sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns.

Big year for white guys
The nominations for the 2016 Oscars were announced this week, and the selections were met with criticism. The nominees are almost exclusively white men, which is good, because we need to remind people who really runs things every now and then.

You Missed It: Waterworks edition

Umpires were unable to find any foreign substances on Obama's glove, and the game was allowed to continue.
Umpires were unable to find any foreign substances on Obama’s glove, and the game was allowed to continue.

Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.

Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.

The McBournie Minute: Grumpy white men

I was going to start off this year with a column about things that are certain to happen. I had some pretty good ideas, too. But then some white dudes in Oregon decided to play fort over the weekend. So I’ll write about that instead. It’s what everyone seems to be talking about, and without publishing my predictions, I can say I totally called something without the hassle of backing it up. So when Donald Trump flames out in the primaries this year, I totally called it, bro.

We’re not even a week into 2016, and we’ve already got a fun news story to distract us from crappy news from overseas. It’s also something that your friends on Facebook can get upset about, because that’s all people use it for these days, and there hasn’t been much news out there lately.

This protest is the greatest thing to happen this year. And here’s why. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Grumpy white men

Oregon hipsters attempting to make insanely hipster beer

Let it be known that The Guys most certainly support beer, especially good beer. We have no problems whatsoever with craft-brewing (though some of us wouldn’t be against a certain writer on this site mailing out some of his batches). But at one point or another, we have to set our proverbial foot down.

Using Oregon sewer water for the purposes of creating beer feels as good a place as any.

Clean Water Services, a water treatment company, has asked the state to let it use water that will then be treated and recycled before being sent to The Oregon Brew Crew, a homebrew group that would use the water for beer creation. Said beer would then be used events but not sold at breweries.

Two Oregon health service organizations currently remain opposed to each others views. The Oregon Health Authority has approved the request but the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality remains mum.

Silence is golden, people.