Tag: oregon

Nothing says constructive criticism like a complaint

Were just saying, is all.Construction workers are an odd bunch. Seemingly enough, their region may possibly dictate their behavior. In the past, we’ve reported about those unscrupulous rapscallions, the construction workers of New Zealand, and their odd courtship rituals involving hooting. Approximately a gazillion miles away, we have another example: the gallant and thoughtful construction workers of Portland, Oregon.

Bugwah?!

Yes, true believer, you read right. The Guys never thought that we’d live to see the day that a group of construction workers would actively oppose the sight of exposed female flesh, but hey, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, there’s a construction site happening right across the road from where I work. And, I take my breaks down in the cafeteria at 8:30 am and 11:30 am, right beside the 10 foot high windows. You know, just in case any nude roller-bladers might be interested in enjoying the outdoors and whatnot.

Don’t they see what he’s doing?

Treymane Durham pled guilty to murder in exchange for a feast of KFC and Popeye’s, “calzones, lasagna, pizza and ice cream.” He received the first half on plea, the second half on sentencing.

Knowing he would receive a life sentence, he also got married in a hurry.

So to recap: he raised his cholesterol so he wouldn’t live as long and got married so he wouldn’t mind dying, both of which will shorten his life sentence the old fashioned way.

This is one smart inmate.

West coast water supply secured from salmon

It is a glorious day in the War on Animals: salmon can no longer be found off the coasts of California and Oregon.

Thanks to the concerted efforts of the commercial fishing industry, Long John Silvers and armchair warriors like you, salmon can no longer ruin our beaches and drinking water with acts of malfeasence like fornicating and pooping.

Go ahead, pat yourself on the back.  We’ve all worked hard for this day.  But don’t think this means we can take a day off.  There’s still a whole world of water-spoiling fish out there to be eaten before we can switch back to tap.

Easy come, easy go

One versus a hundred, give or takeThe mayor of Arlington, Oregon, was recalled (by a mere three votes) because of a “scandalous” photo posted on her MySpace page. Now, we posit a question to our readers. What’s crazier: That a mayor has a MySpace page, that anyone cares, or that she could grate blocks of stale cheese on those hardcore washboard abs? Bet she makes your mayor look like a creampuff. I know she does she does for all the mayors that I’ve had to encounter in the areas that I lived in (one was older than death, another had approximately 2 vowels in a 24 letter last name, and the most recent has been arrested under embezzling charges).

And no, we don’t have a link to her MySpace page.

Exhibit A: your dog’s anus

Normally, this wouldn’t be a funny story. Veronica Rodriguez has served one year in jail for allegedly “running her hands through a 13-year-old boy’s hair and pulling the back of his head against her covered chest in the middle of a crowded game room at the Boys and Girls Club in Hillsboro.” Now she might be going back for another five years for the same incident.

That’s right: she didn’t sleep with him, didn’t send him dirty pictures on his cell phone, didn’t even give him an “A” for lookin’ fine in jeans. In other words, the action that sent her to jail might have been unintentionally sexual. Speaking as adult males only mildly out of adolescence, teenage guys find sex in Masterpiece Theatre.

No, this story is funny because of the argument her public defender, Robert Gartlan, presented to the Oregon Supreme Court on her behalf:

“‘Causing the back of a boy’s head to be placed against the clothed chest of a 23-year-old counselor is qualitatively different from causing a 12-year-old boy to place his tongue or his penis in the family dog’s anus …. The conduct in this case must be one of the mildest, most technical forms of ‘sexual abuse’ that one could contemplate.'”

Please, think of the dog’s anus. This blog knows you’ll follow your heart.

Fear the (sea) turtle

Turtles are a huge threat to our society. They can live for over 100 years, they eat whatever they want and some during their teen years become mutant ninjas. Of all turtles, it is the sea turtles that pose the biggest threat.

One leatherback turtle was recently tracked swimming from the shores of Indonesia to the coast of Oregon. The turtle was tracked a satellite tracking device, and scientists are saying it might be the longest migration of any animal with a backbone in the ocean. Basically, that means the sea turtle is the ICBM of the animal world.

What shocks this blog is the cowardice of the turtle. Rather than stand and fight like a man, your average turtle will either swim away or tuck itself into its shell. No wonder their bellies are yellow.