Research proves what we’ve always known about sex: men consistently come first. Of all the polled participants, straight men finish 95 percent in all sexual encounters, followed by gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), lesbian women (86 percent), bisexual women (66 percent) and straight women (65 percent). Basically, once a dude is in the equation, women get the shaft and that’s about it because even lesbians earned a solid B.
What’s causing women to come second or never at all?
One cause is how good dudes are at sex, because our efficient one to 15 minutes of beer-flavored passion is not enough of a tantric marathon for most women. More than 30 minutes provides the highest frequency of women’s orgasms, so that’s gonna call for orange slices, ladies.
Another reason is oral sex — as in, it’s not just for birthdays and anniversaries unless that’s also only when you’re giving orgasms. Without it, only 35 percent of women finish. With it, they tie with lesbians — 86 percent, which pretty much proves how barely necessary penises are.
But, the most important factor: communication. 45 percent of women who asked for what they want reported finishing “usually to always.” 25 percent who did not ask for anything got just that — having orgasms “rarely to never.” So, if we could suggest what to ask for: ask for a lesbian.
Hello, ladies. Are you still recovering from your International Women’s Day celebrations? Science has created something for you that might take the edge off.
You can now have an orgasm at the push of a button, assuming you’re fine with having surgery. Researchers have invented a device, about the size of a pack of cigarettes, that hooks up to the spinal cord and has electrodes on certain sensitive spots. When the remote control activates the device, it’s pleasure time.
Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.
Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.
160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.
100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!
Speaking of the mystery that is the woman’s orgasm, researchers are delving into a phenomenon known as the “coregasm.” As more women work out, more are reporting achieving sexual pleasure and even orgasms during exercise. The majority of the cases occur during abdominal workouts — hence the “core” in “coregasm” — but other culprits include “weight lifting, yoga, bicycling [not too surprising there] running and walking or hiking.”
Although the study’s author has heard men claim they experience coregasm, too, we’re a little hesitant to buy it. Come on, the male coregasm? That’s just a myth.