Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

That is INDEED a gun in my pocket

Hey, NRA, at your next meeting, you might want to think about putting out some conditional rules of for new gun owners. Such as:

  • If you’re inebriated and dealing with guns, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
  • If you’ve decided to play a solo game of Russian Roulette, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
  • If you’re going to the bathroom, and you have to remove the gun from your body in order to use the facilities, then you probably shouldn’t have had the gun in the first place.

Because if you’re not careful, you might end up shooting yourself.

Sandboxes = very late term abortions

Hey there, parents!

Do you have a lot of money? Do you hate your kids? Could you stomach living in Florida?

Then have we and the Army got a deal for you! For a half-million dollars, you can live within spitting distance of Disney World on a former Army jeep range. Every yard is a dynamite lottery, thanks to undocumented, unexploded ordinance!

Just send your kids outside with a treasure map, and then relive the glory days at nearby Pleasure Island!

And if you’d like to get back down to your “playing weight,” then go for a jog and blow those extra pounds away. Just think of Bouncing Betty as your government-provided hot-blooded trainer.