Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.
In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,
So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.
Orlando, Florida, is a hotbed of amusement parks. Disney World (and its four parts), Universal Studios, Seaworld, Holy Land, they’re all places take the family down for some good, family fun. And that’s not even including the numerous water parks. Well, get the minivan packed and ready because a new park is opening: Machine Gun America.
Okay, granted, it’s not the most news-friendly name, but the guts of the theme park are sound: children as young as 13 can, along with their parents, fire high-powered automatic weapons at targets, along with taking part in simulators. Also, all attractions are staffed with safety officers. That’s actually pretty smart and not dissimilar from what you see during some bachelor parties, just on a slightly larger scale.
Unfortunately, there are some people up in arms with this place, saying that it just doesn’t fit in with the family-friendly image and atmosphere of Orlando. Which is understandable. I mean, it’s not like anything would besmirch the good name of Florida.
It’s a new version of what usually happens. What caused the Waffle House to be closed?
It was not a health code violation.
It was not violence inside the restaurant.
It was not violence outside the restaurant in its parking lot.
No, what cause the Waffle House to be closed were chemicals used for cleaning the restaurant. What a novel concept, a clean Waffle House!
Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.
Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.
Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.
Hey, NRA, at your next meeting, you might want to think about putting out some conditional rules of for new gun owners. Such as:
- If you’re inebriated and dealing with guns, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
- If you’ve decided to play a solo game of Russian Roulette, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
- If you’re going to the bathroom, and you have to remove the gun from your body in order to use the facilities, then you probably shouldn’t have had the gun in the first place.
Because if you’re not careful, you might end up shooting yourself.
Hey there, parents!
Do you have a lot of money? Do you hate your kids? Could you stomach living in Florida?
Then have we and the Army got a deal for you! For a half-million dollars, you can live within spitting distance of Disney World on a former Army jeep range. Every yard is a dynamite lottery, thanks to undocumented, unexploded ordinance!
Just send your kids outside with a treasure map, and then relive the glory days at nearby Pleasure Island!
And if you’d like to get back down to your “playing weight,” then go for a jog and blow those extra pounds away. Just think of Bouncing Betty as your government-provided hot-blooded trainer.