Gay marriage advocates become their parents

Change.org has collected more than 5000 online signatures to petition Sesame Street to marry off long-time eligible bachelors Bert and Ernie.* The armchair activists believe that showing children a partnership fraught with fights and bubble baths could teach them that it’s OK to be gay … just so long as you do it right and get married.

The common law marriage will hopefully put an end to questions about the two Muppets’ sexual orientation, just like the Bachmanns.’

*If the two aren’t married, the petitioners would be happy if Sesame Street introduces a transgender character, a void which has already been filled by Oscar’s hermaphroditic earthworm friend, Slimey.