The Baseball Hall of Fame is, like a 1960s bus, divided in half. There is one committee for determining who gets inducted from prior to integration, and another committee for selecting inductees from post-integrated Major League Baseball.
This is justified because we have no idea how well white baseball players would have done and which teams would have won had black ball players not been banned from major league play. The Negro League had a number of stars that would have changed the entire competitive layout and style of play in MLB. For all we know, a team with Satchel Paige pitching would have destroyed the Yankees batting line-up of Mantle, DiMaggio and Gehrig.
And now that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has failed to nominate any actors of color for two years in a row, we should consider putting an asterisk next to last year’s and this year’s winners. Continue reading →
There are few live events that are as predictable as the State of the Union address. The president comes in, says a bunch of things that probably aren’t going to happen, and the members of Congress in his party stand and clap every now and then. But we all watch it. It’s one of the few things we all still have in common. Some watch it to see what the next great meme will be, others watch it because they’re playing a drinking game, and a few may even watch it to be inspired. It’s the same reason why we watch the Super Bowl. If you were busy waiting in line for Powerball ticket this week, odds are you missed it.
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
This week, the armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a new video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin–and this is true–sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns.
Big year for white guys
The nominations for the 2016 Oscars were announced this week, and the selections were met with criticism. The nominees are almost exclusively white men, which is good, because we need to remind people who really runs things every now and then.
For the past several years, my wife and I have gone to an Oscars viewing party hosted by friends. We all fill our ballots and eat and drink. The hosts are huge into movies, and have usually seen most, if not all, of the movies up for an award–even the foreign ones and animated shorts, which no one ever sees.
It reminds me that I haven’t seen that many movies, which I was already clear about this year. But it also reminds me that the show isn’t really for me, it’s for the cinephiles like them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in theory. But take into account that ratings really sucked last night, which means we’re watching other things. We’re bored by award shows.
I apologize in advance if I offend any of you with the views, opinions or jokes in this column offend you. Actually, I don’t apologize. I just ask you to grow up.
We had another award show last night, and with it, the calls for apologies over something that was said or some perceived slight turned into hyped-up beef. The Oscars last night, hosted by Seth MacFarlane, got mixed reviews. There were good performances and bad ones, there were jokes that soared, and jokes that flopped. And William Shatner reminded us how old he is by putting on the Star Trek duds and making a cameo as Captain James T Kirk.
It was a good skit, but I don’t like being reminded how old Shatner is. I demand an apology! Continue reading →
I realize that every industry wants to have their own fake holiday, but it’s getting a bit excessive. For example, yesterday was National Cherry Pie day. Today is National Margarita Day. Far be it from me to say we shouldn’t have holidays celebrating anything booze related, but who decides these things? Did the National Association of Tequila Distillers form a coalition with Lime Farmers of America to create this? Also, if you drink margaritas in February, and you don’t live on a beach, you have a problem. If you were busy writing your acceptance speech this week, odds are you missed it.
Fox joins the turtles
Remember Michael Bay’s plan to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now that he’s more or less finished crapping on the Transformers? Turns out it’s still very much in the works, as Bay announced this week that Megan Fox has been cast as April O’Neil, the turtles’ reporter friend. Bay said he is excited about the project, and that with the help of CGI, Fox will seem almost lifelike on screen.
Change comes slow in the South
With the recent success of Lincoln, which is up for a ton of Oscars this weekend, the 13th Amendment has been enjoying quite a bit of fame. However, the amendment, which banned slavery went without approval from Mississippi until recently. The state legislature never voted on the measure until 1995, and even then, the paperwork wasn’t filed until a professor figured it out a few weeks ago. When the state finally got its act together and ratified the 13th Amendment, they decided to break out the fire hoses just for old time’s sake.
Twitter breaks deal news yet again
It was a rough week on Twitter for a couple companies, after their accounts got hacked. First, Burger King’s account was hacked, sending out tweets that it had been sold to McDonald’s, and a day later, Jeep’s account was posting that it had been sold to Cadillac. Later in the week, Donald Trump was hacked, too. His followers first realized that it had happened when his tweets began lacking his typical air of douchbaggery.
The Oscars for twenty-eleven (we are nothing if we don’t follow Rick’s rules) are done and over with. I’m sure you’ve woken up from watching them by now. You probably read my column from last week, right? It had my picks in it. If you didn’t, go ahead now. Go on, I’ll wait.
Okay, you’re done? What? No? Fine. Keep reading.
Okay, now you’re done. Keep those picks in mind-they reveal that I’m the smartest person on the planet. Continue reading →
It’s that time of the year again (please note that this time is so much more different than that time of the month [well, most of the time]). That’s right kids, the Oscars are back! It’s been a while since we’ve done something like this before, so I felt it might be fun to take a crack at guessing who will win what. Now, mind you, just because I like movies does not mean that I have any idea what the winners will be. These are not locks. Hopefully, though, I’ll be able to predict the future.
While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.
To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.
*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.
Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade.Continue reading →