When life gives men lemons, those men f%&k them

People respond to stress in different ways. Some shut down, and others claim they can only produce under pressure. It turns out that men are more interested in reproducing under stress.

British researchers recently learned that men who are tasked with stressful tasks, like public speaking, become attracted to a wider range of women’s body mass indexes, including women who are larger than what they normally go for. This might come from picturing the audience naked.

Dieting women of the world responded with a resounding, “Are you f%@king kidding me?!”

Finally, the bad parenting tables even out

For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.

But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.

Buy a potzer a pizza, or listen to this crap all weekend

If you’ve ever wondered where the dubious claims of your local pothead come from, here you go: “Marijuana Slims? Why Pot Smokers Are Less Obese.”

In Time‘s and author Maia Szalavitz’s defense, they’re not saying that pot makes you skinny. In fact, Szalavitz goes to great lengths to explain why (a) that is definitely not the case and (b) the fact the respondents are slimmer than their non-toking fellow surveyees makes almost no sense.

Still, expect to hear these claims all the same. And probably from a stoner chick with a pot belly (all of them).

A standoff that began with a run for the border

According to a survey published in the BMC Psychiatry journal, mentally ill patients are more likely to be obese or overweight than patients with physiological disorders.

This may help explain why a San Antonio, Tex., man attacked a Taco Bell with an air gun and a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol over the price increase on Beefy Crunch Burritos. He discovered the beefy crunchy hike from 99 cents to $1.49 after ordering seven of them.

The good news is that, after a three-hour standoff with the SWAT team, we can all have a hearty laugh about this. Unless of course, you, dear reader, planned to buy 30 burritos for $30 at lunch today.

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?


How fat is baby? Soooo fat

It looks like even babies are starting to let themselves go, according to Dr. John Harrington.

Dr. Harrington has just released research of obese children’s  medical records that were gathered by himself and colleagues. They started gaining weight as infants, and 50 percent were overweight by age 2, and 90 percent by 5.

So, parents, if you want to reach your kids before they really pork out, maybe you should scatter some magazines around the house with idealized skinny kids. And make sure to add some passive-aggressive digs like, “Are you sure you want stringed cheese?” and, “It’s amazing how much bigger they make diapers these days.”

Run for your life!

OK, so you finally lost some weight, bringing you below the obese line. Perhaps you’re even barely above to overweight line. Time to relax and maintain, right?

WRONG, say doctors who wrote a new article in Circulation (clever, no?). If you’re a couple of pounds overweight, you still have a 180 percent increased risk of a heart attack over lean people. And, as Dr. Satish Kenchaiah, lead writer of the report, says, “The more you exercise, the more reduction [of the risk of heart disease] you have.”

So, what are you sitting around reading this for? Run! Run, you maggot! And don’t you dare stop running until you have a 0 percent chance of heart attack!

Not in fighting condition

The Germans are traditionally pretty good at war. In fact, one might say it’s the national pastime. However, though reunited (and it feels so good), the Gerries might not be invading Poland, or anything else, aside from McDonald’s.

A military report said German soldiers are too fat, smoke too much and don’t work out enough. Clearly they are not effective fighting machines and could be easily defeated (hint hint, Mr. President). This blog recommends the Germans stick to their normal diet of beer and bratwurst, and go on The Biggest Loser: Armed Forces Edition.