Mussels are hooked on opioids

Opioids: they kill pain, they destroy lives and they make it tough to poop. We thought it was just a problem for humans, we were wrong.

A new study has found that mussels in Puget Sound are hooked on opioids, too. Researchers tested mussels in 18 different areas of the sound, and three of those areas tested positive for oxycodone. And get this, the liberal hippie scientists in Washington state claim it’s not the addicts’ fault. Instead, they blame humans, who take oxy and then pee it out, and that pee makes it into Puget Sound, where the mussels absorb it.

The mussels say they just like to party and can quit any time they want, and they don’t care what you think about them.

I’ll have an oxy-flavored astro-pop

You might hear the song She’ll be Comin’ Round the Mountain from the ice cream truck cruising through the neighborhood, but you may not feel it even hitting you if you purchase anything from it. In fact, you might just want to think twice before even tracking it down.

A Lickety Split ice cream truck in New York has been busted for selling oxycodone (the generic version of the world famous pain-killer, Oxycontin), mostly out of the truck. No word yet on the quality of Lickety Split’s ice cream, but we suspect the Coke Float could become addictive.

Which is understandable, as Coke Floats are delicious, especially if you can’t feel your tongue.