Ocean water, you nasty

Enjoy that swim in Acapulco. Just don’t be surprised if you come back pregnant with Doomsday.

Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.

The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.

By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)