You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.
In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.
But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.
As we count the hours to Happy Hour, let’s look at other numbers in the news today.
A senior U.S. official took exception to the claim that CIA drone attacks in Pakistan killed around 2,000 militants (hooray!) and 168 children (boo!). The numbers come from a report released by the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism. The official agreed with the militant death count, but found it hard to believe that the drones only killed 168 kids, who are slower, dumber and attracted to flying robots.
And, speaking of the UK, at least 1,700 suspects have been arrested in connection with rioting that began in Tottenham and spread wherever stores still had iPads. Scotland Yard said “that number is changing all the time,” which has led Parliament to authorize prospecting for a New Australia.
It took ten years, but we were finally able to prove that Osama Bin Laden, religious zealot, was a total hypocrite.
The killer of thousands in the name of a religion that preaches peace was caught with pornography. Lots and lots of pornography. Scads of it.
If you sat in a room filled with it, you would be at least ankle-deep in smut, like if the room were bigger than a closet. Otherwise, maybe knee deep in a non-walk-in closet.
To put it simply, investigators found loads of porno in his bungalo. Porngalo? (“Porngalo” will work.)
So, rest assured, everybody: we finally found the evidence that will send Bin Laden to Hell.
A senior NATO official believes Osama Bin Laden may be living in a house in northwestern Pakistan, not in an Afghan cave as we previously thought. He further said that locals and Pakistani intelligence officials are protecting his location.
But, before we send the military rushing into yet another Muslim country, SeriouslyGuys brings NATO this breaking news announcement:
We have reason to believe that Bin Laden is neither in a cave nor in a house, but in the bedroom of one Jimmy Krapplewitz. Our intel indicates that Jimmy’s been hosting the 9/11 mastermind in his parents’ Great Falls, VA townhouse along with our Secret Wars #1, winning POG slammer and pictures of what may be Katey Jorkin’s mom’s boobs.
Go forth, you Coalition of the Willing! Go forth and bring our stuff back get that S.O.B.!
Man, talk about issuing a fatwa on a dead horse.
The Pakistani Taliban criticized the Norwegian Nobel Committee for giving the Nobel Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama. They unconstructively suggested giving him the “Villain of Peace Award,” which does not exist and–even if it did–could not field nominations until next year.
The Taliban’s peace credentials include supporting and sponsoring terrorism, wrapping women in Snuggies in the desert and religious intolerance.
Other critics of the award have not renounced and denied affiliation with the Taliban at this time.
Well, it looks like our plan to appease Osama bin Laden by electing a secret Muslim has failed.
Bin Laden rolled out his greatest hits (presumably to chime in on I Love the War on Terror: 2003), indicating that the United States — the President in particular — is responsible for the Muslim world frowning on his shenanigans.
Blaming the U.S. president for his woes? Maybe he is turning American after all!
Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin!
Sarah Palin Sarah Palin:
Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.
“Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin; Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin” [emphasis ours].
Oh, and we invaded Pakistan yesterday. Sarah Palin.
Global warming may be a threat after all. Not because some scientists are worried that we will be plunged into a new ice age because of it–that’s just crazy talk. But because warmer climates could result in us getting some rather unpleasant neighbors.
Scientists say that if the planet heats up at its current rate, by 2100, parts of North America could have a climate similar to Pakistan or Indonesia. While this blog has no idea what that means, there is a scarier aspect to this: Pythons could invade our territory.
“Climate modeling for the year 2100 which shows the possible climate range for pythons moving northward and swallowing up northernmost parts of Texas and Arkansas, the southeast half of Kansas, the southern half of Missouri and parts of southern Illinois and Indiana. Further east the big snakes could comfortably creep through Tennessee, Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and southern New Jersey.”
The west coast isn’t safe either. Folks, we have to either fight global warming or fight pythons. Since it’s unclear whether or not a shotgun can kill global warming, this blog recommends we go after pythons.