Kids and women the world over say that they love pandas. They’re not necessarily species traitors, just dumb people. It’s futile to love the panda because the panda does not love itself. After years of being
hunted searched, the species just refuses to procreate. Laborious and expensive treatments and experiments over the years have had a net result of nearly nil. It’s given up on life and as a result, we should give up on it.
An Yanshi isn’t necessarily giving up on them, so much as making them work for their existence. The Chinese entrepreneur is using large amounts of their dung to grow organic tea. 50 grams of the tea will cost you 3500 dollars, making it around 200 dollars for a cup.
“Panda Poop Green Tea.” I’m sure it’ll sell like wildfire with branding like that. At least we’re putting an enemy to use for our side, even if it’s fat emo kid of the animal kingdom.
It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.
So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.
In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.
Zookeepers at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. have officially called off this year’s Panda Watch. It appears that Mei Xiang faked the whole thing, again.
Apparently, Mei Xiang will do anything to keep the attention she craves from zoo personnel, the media and her own badgered panda husband, Tian Tian, all of whom have been through this ordeal five times.
It’s time to leave, Tian Tian. She’ll just keep pulling this act to guilt you into sticking around. It may be hard to leave the potential mother of your cub or whatever they call your babies, but would she really lie to you if she loved you?
(And that’s how you convince an endangered species to stop breeding donating their sperm to a zookeeper.)
There are certain rights we expect. The right to live as we wish. The right to own property. The right to pursue Happiness, Sunshine or any other optimistically-named stripper. And, of course, the right to die as we wish.
The latter part has come up periodically over the past decade since Thomas Jefferson didn’t include “death” in the list of A Few of His Favourite Things. (Also left out: kittens, strudel, warm woolen mittens.)
We’ve jailed and early-released Jack Kevorkian, a former pathologist who helped dying people die on their own terms. We’ve removed, replaced and removed Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube until we finally stopped stringing her along and sent her to the happy walking trail upstairs.
So, if actions speak louder than wishy-washy, yet well-intentioned words, then we’ve effectively decided that we do have a right to die on our own terms, to “go out with our boots on.”
So, what about animals? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas