Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas

All will remember the 1600 or so!There are certain rights we expect. The right to live as we wish. The right to own property. The right to pursue Happiness, Sunshine or any other optimistically-named stripper. And, of course, the right to die as we wish.

The latter part has come up periodically over the past decade since Thomas Jefferson didn’t include “death” in the list of A Few of His Favourite Things. (Also left out: kittens, strudel, warm woolen mittens.)

We’ve jailed and early-released Jack Kevorkian, a former pathologist who helped dying people die on their own terms. We’ve removed, replaced and removed Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube until we finally stopped stringing her along and sent her to the happy walking trail upstairs.

So, if actions speak louder than wishy-washy, yet well-intentioned words, then we’ve effectively decided that we do have a right to die on our own terms, to “go out with our boots on.”

So, what about animals? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Kill the pandas

Pandas almost gone, couldn’t have done it without them

Congratulations everyone! We did it! According to SCIENCE and crazy people the WWF, we’re now just 2 or 3 more generations away from having one less animal enemy on this planet. That’s right, it would seem that the giant pandas are slowly starting to go the way of the dinosaur and pet rocks.

The pro of this situation: no more “fluffy and cute” pandas mean one less enemy to entrance our own weak-minded human compatriots.

The con of the situation: my dream of having an all panda meat fast food chain grows ever so much more distant.

What’s always interesting to note:

In addition to environmental constraints, the animals’ notoriously low libidos have frustrated efforts to boost their numbers. Breeders have resorted to tactics such as showing them “panda porn” videos of other pandas mating, and putting males through “sexercises” aimed at training up their pelvic and leg muscles for the rigours of copulation.

Remember everyone, part of evolution is weeding out the fat losers who don’t want to mate, or adapt their life in any possible way to prolong their own existence. You’d honestly think by now that the male giant pandas would have broken their “No Fat Chicks” rule, but clearly, not so much.

National Zoo sneaks in more pandas

The National Zoo has been on our watch list recently. As promised SG is here to keep you posted on the evils that are being done to house these federally-supported animals. We regret to inform you that the National Zoo is at it again.

The panda-crazed zoo has just added two more pandas, only this time they are red pandas. (We just won a bet we couldn’t say “panda” three times in one sentence.) Apparently, they tried to sneak this one past us while everyone in the Greater Washington area is fixated on the visit of Pope Benedict XVI.

Red pandas are known as the uglier, stranger looking branch of the panda family. Unlike their giant “black” panda cousins, they are not cuddly, but they are just as deadly. The National Zoo said it hopes to complete its collection of all the colors in the panda rainbow.

This blog has not yet ruled out rumors of a panda attack to coincide with the Beijing Olympics this summer.

Zebras really don’t change their stripes

It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.

Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.

Then this blog found another startling revelation:

“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”

The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?

Panda Watch: National Zoo

Nearly three years ago, a giant panda cub named Tai Shan was born at the National Zoo and lulled Washington into a sense of stupor–exactly what the animals want. Today, Tai Shan is a 170-lb. monster, ready to pounce on anyone that comes near him.

Case in point, Tai Shan attacked a zoo worker with his deadly claws and long teeth! Luckily the worker was able to make it to safety with only a cut on his leg. It could have been far worse. A panda is still a bear, and bears maul.

To make matters worse, zoo officials are helping Tai Shan’s mother pop out another of the devil’s spawn. Mei Xiang, Tai Shan’s mother, was artificially inseminated Tuesday, which means we have to look forward to a man-made panda threat. But do not fear, yours truly, SG’s Washington correspondent, will keep you up to date on the growing panda threat.