Brits keep flushing underwear, clogging sewers

Citizens of one town in the U.K. are being politely asked not to flush their underwear down the toilet, or “loo,” after a large pair of granny panties caused a clog in the sewer system.

Here in the U.S., we discard our underwear in the trash, but the Europeans do everything weirder than us. According to authorities, the sewer system in Cheltenham, U.K., suffered from a massive clog, thanks to one woman’s flushed undies. This isn’t an isolated incident. Flushed “knickers” 50,000 blockages in the area’s sewer systems every year.

We understand that with any sizable human population, there are going to be a few cases of soiled undies every year, but tens of thousands? Do the Brits not believe in throwing the evidence in the rubbish bin? Are U.K. toilets just more powerful than their American counterparts?

Eva Braun’s panties are up for sale, if you’re into that sort of thing

There are just two-and-a-half weeks until Father’s day. Do you know what you’re going to give dear old dad? This year, why not get your father something from the Fatherland?

For just $7,500, you can own a pair of panties owned by Adolf Hitler’s wife, Eva Braun. According to the owners, the Nazi knickers were taken from the infamous Eagle’s Nest at the end of World War II by an American soldier. Today they’re in a thrift shop Elmore, Ohio, a small town outside of Toledo. They look authentic, right?

No doubt they’ll sell fast, since there are Germans all over the Midwest.

We can see your panties

3,000 pairs of women’s underpants have been recovered from four spots along the highway in Ohio, at least one pile of 1,600 in Fairfield County alone.  Police report that the panties are loose and are both new and used. They also appear to be of the “local discount and grocery stores” variety, not the racy stuff your mom buys.

Other than those details, authorities are stumped. The Guys have put together a couple of theories:

  1. Aliens! You’ve heard of Stonehenge. This is Mingehenge. And if any of the underpants were made of corduroy, then this could have been the beginning of the NASCAR Lines.
  2. Artists! Mountains of unglamorous dollar store granny-panties discarded along the highways and biways of middle America — the interpretations are limitless.
  3. Animals! Prairie critters are attempting to infiltrate the Heartland, one leg at a time — just like the rest of us.
  4. The Japanese! The used ones fit their M.O. Not sure where the new ones come in, though. Perhaps we interrupted them before they could finish?

We will dispatch our own Bryan McBournie to Ohio this weekend to investigate.

No names were sewn into the band

A 55-year-old part-time shop worker in Nara, Japan, was suspected of stealing a few pair of panties from a neighbor’s home. A few. Nothing too crazy. They thought this weirdo was taking them from her balcony as they were drying. He’s a pervert, but not a super pervert, right?

Wrong.

When police searched his home they found about 3,000 pair of other women’s underwear. Three thousand. The gross old man told police,

“I’ve always been interested in women’s underwear.”

You think? I wonder what he did with all of these.

Scratch that. No I don’t.

Sounds like the basis for a blue movie

OK, picture this: it’s a sleepy Saturday night. You find yourself sitting at home with nothing to do, having watched all the shows on your backlog. It’s soooooo boring. There’s nothing to do! What will you do with your down time? Well, if you’re bored over at the Ebara Branch of the Tokyo Fire Department, you break into a girl’s apartment and steal her underwear. Or at least, attempt to.

The vice captain of the Ebara Branch of the Tokyo Fire Department was held by police after entering a woman’s Suginami Ward apartment (doesn’t anyone lock their doors anymore?) around 4 a.m. and taking two pairs of her underwear. The woman awoke hearing the noise and was able to accost the fireman until the police showed (oh yeah, a real tough guy). The fireman informed the police that he had unintentionally wandered into the wrong house, thinking it was a friend’s. This now raises the disturbing question of just what had he intended to do with the underwear of his actual friend.

Of note is that the fireman in question was as apparently described being “intoxicated” as well. Seriously, someone needs to hook up Japan with some Victoria’s Secret already. You people are crazy.