The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

When my wife told me she thought she was pregnant, I told her it was probably just the Mexican food. I don’t believe she’ll ever let me live that down, so I may as well put it out there myself.

She’d been telling me about odd sensations for the past day or so, and I kept explaining it away. One time I suggested that the tacos we had the night before were the cause of the weird stuff going on in her body. The next day she took a test without telling me, then walked into the room and said, “Want to hear something crazy? I’m pregnant.”

Then she went out for a run. So I was left with the pregnancy test and some questions. A quick search online showed me that there wasn’t such a thing as a false positive, only a false negative. For days I’d been trying not to get excited over nothing, and now I could let the doubt go. I was going to be a father. I cried, I prayed, and I did my best to get myself together for when my wife got back from her run so I could finally share in her excitement.

They say it’s a journey you take together, but it’s not. It’s a journey that is experienced in two completely different ways by two people. For whatever arcane societal reason, it’s all about the mother from the beginning. She has all the support and all of the knowledge that has been passed down from woman to woman since the dawn of time. Guys don’t have that. We drink beer with other guys and grunt acknowledgingly at each other, because no one wants to make it awkward by mentioning feelings. It’s just how we’ve done it since the Stone Age, and it’s served humanity pretty well, I’d say. But it meant I had to figure most of this out on my own. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

‘Not now, Mommy’s taking a selfie’

Modern parents kind of suck, don’t they? Individually, they’re nice people, but as a group, they’re insufferable. Plus, they all hate each other’s views on parenthood. Everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, which means that no one actually does.

We’ve got science to back up part of this. A recent study found that one third of parents remain glued to their phones when out to eat with their children. Amazingly enough, when their parents ignored them for Candy Crush, the kids tended to act up–which everyone loves in a restaurant.

So, parents everywhere: Treat your kid like it’s a real person. No one likes it when some strange child peeks over the bench and stares at them.

Kids everywhere: Spit up on your parents’ phones next time you’re out, it might make you a better person in the end.

Evan’s 10-year-old friends agree: Jenny McCarthy is the best. Mom. Ever.

Her battle with vaccinations over, Jenny McCarthy has returned to the only thing she’s been good at: posing nude for Playboy. The 39-year-old says that she “doesn’t have any qualms about posing nude even though she’s a mom to 10-year-old Evan,” to which Evan’s 10-year-old friends readily agreed.

Oh, the places you’ll blow up!

It’s tough being a parent because, no matter how much you drug your kids, they just won’t stop asking questions. This will be no different about the death of Osama bin Laden.

This is a complicated topic, especially with your hangover from last night’s grave-dancing, so The Guys put together a few ways to explain:

  • “Osama’s on a terror farm upstate, where he can bomb and bomb and bomb.”
  • “He was a bad man, and bad men are punished by the government. Now, did you do your homework?”
  • “Did your friends tell you he was dead? Because that’s just what they want you to think!”

Or, you could just wait for the movie to explain it to them.

Parenting is not its own reward

It’s said that crime does not pay, but this may now be otherwise. A man was able to nab not one, but two Xbox 360s from a Beavercreek, Ohio Best Buy while carrying a diaper bag and a real live baby.

The man, described as 6ft, 250 pounds and balding, grabbed two consoles and left with them under his arm while carrying the child. He then got into his Kia Spectra and sped off, allegedly without even securing the baby in its seat. Although on the surface this looks like bad parenting, we can’t rule out the fact that the baby was in on the scam, mind you possibly the brains of the entire operation.

Not having children and pawning off any duties involving my younger brother when he was growing up onto my parents, that’s gotta be one big diaper bag.

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

Stupid parents have stupid kids

Some alarmists out there are pointing at a new study to say that purity pledges don’t work for teenagers.

Despite promising — in exchange for cheap, mass-produced silver* rings — to remain virgins until marriage, teens are still having premarital sex.

However, teens that break their pledges are more likely to make up for it by keeping another lesson from their parents close to heart: not to use contraception.

So, if you’re a moron and you have teenage kids, don’t give up. Keep preaching stupid ideas to your kids and some of them will leak through that acne medication of theirs.

*Silver purity rings from Wal-Mart may contain percentages of lead exceeding actual silver content.

Getting your back will cost extra tokens

False idols are everywhere. You can look for them high, you can look for them low, and no matter what, you’ll probably find them. Whether they’re Plaxico Burress, Elvis Presley, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, Kermit D. Frog or Stewie from Family Guy, if you’re following one, you’re probably a sheep that may or may not need to be culled. Still, hard feelings or resentment aside, we should all be able to agree on one thing–large anthropomorphic animals should never be made idols.

Unfortunately, there’s a chain of temples devoted to one such false idol. Double unfortunate is that these locations are often nothing more than a hotbed of violence. This false idol’s name? Chuck E. Cheese.

Mock me now, but it’s true. A string of wanton violence has begun appearing at Chuck E. Cheese’s all over the nation. Laugh all you want (Lord knows I did when I first saw the headline, thus knowing it must be our Headline of the Day), but you cannot deny the truth-scary things happen at a place where “a kid can be a kid.” For example, a six-year-old was approached by a woman in her thirties while he was playing a game. As he attempted to insert more tokens into the machine and continue playing, the woman confiscated his tokens and told him to let other people play. The boy naturally informed his mother, who was then screamed at by the token-thief before a thirty-something male grabbed the 26-year-old mother by the throat and slammed her into the video-game machine.

This is just why we cannot harbor such clear species traitorism. How can we live in peace when followers of a giant animal obviously cannot? Oh yeah, another good idea-probably not serving booze at a place for children. I’m just saying, is all.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink

Important parenting tip from The Guys: So your 4 year-old won’t stop whining and asking you questions while drooling on his or herself. Might as well get the kid drunk–not like they can slur their words anymore, right?

Wrong.

Don’t send your toddler to school smashed, no matter how much they beg for it. They may complain about how they can’t cope with the social scene, or say that it helps them sleep at nap time, or how their teacher is always busting their balls, demanding more reading time and less time playing with toys. But that doesn’t mean alcohol is the answer.

Wait until they are 6 before you give them their first nip. Because learning to walk is hard enough when you’re sober.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)