Tag: parents

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

Kid’s on the fritz, again

Two decades of spanking research are in, and — according to an article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal — it’s analogous to slapping your TV when it’s on the fritz. Sure, it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken, maybe even more so now.

Parents who don’t understand the study, yet believe these Canadian scientists have behaved badly may email their spankings to Joan Durrant, the article’s lead author and a child clinical psychologist and professor of family social sciences at the University of Manitoba.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.

No good breakfast goes unpunished

Alas, another lawless three months of summer have gone and went. School is almost back in session, which means it’s time to remind parents to start raising their kids again.

As your teenagers will need to wake up before the crack of 2 p.m., researchers suggest feeding them a breakfast mixture of protein and fiber–otherwise known as the classic “One-Two Combo” on blenders and toilets. This should energize your future voter and keep them full until lunch.

The link contains recipes, but might we suggest The Guys’ recommend breakfast?

  • Coffee with Bailey’s (caffeine and dairy)
  • Bacon (protein)
  • A cigarette and a newspaper (fiber)

It’s proven to boost standardized test scores by making standardized tests bearable.

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

Today’s SG brought to you by number 12, letters ‘oz’

If the latest surveys are to be believed, 92 percent of U.S. children are online and reading SeriouslyGuys before the age of two. Actually, a full quarter of children started their Guysville (launching very soon!*) game accounts before even exiting the womb.

So, to all of the parents of those children, we just want to assure you that your progeny’s mind is safe with us. Don’t even bother monitoring their online habits; just set the parental controls to keep it on this Web site and go have a drink.

…

OK, are they gone?

Awesome! Welcome to SeriouslyGuys! Have you checked out our Booze News section? You can’t have a Facebook profile without documented drunken escapades! And here’s how to set your privacy settings so your parents will never know.

*Never happening: our promise to you.

What’s worse than commie porn?

As a class of young students at the vaguely Hitler-esque named Adolf Reichwein School learned: German commie porn!

Parents were stunned by pens donated by the German Communist Party that light up and project erotic images of women. And you know that if German parents are shocked, that these are some very disturbing erotic images, indeed!

What’s next? No cigarettes?

Look, before we overreact here, let’s get this out of the way: kids probably shouldn’t drink or do drugs. It makes them uncoordinated and dangerous while manning lawn equipment and heavy machinery.

However, is it child abuse?

Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.

But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.

Our Solution:
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.