Parents live longer to post more pictures of their kids

They grow up so fast and yet postpone the merciful release of death. Children are selfish.

For all the talk out there about parenthood being hard — we wouldn’t create an entire industry of blogs if it wasn’t — there are allegedly benefits. And not just for chores. New research indicates that having children may help older people live longer than those who never do.

The researchers believe there are several factors — you can guilt adult children into caring for you, older adults may live healthier lives to beat their grandchildren when their kids aren’t looking. Personally, we think childless older people are more likely to fall off their jetskis or flip their dune buggies. You know, the ones they can afford when they retire because they didn’t pay for tuition, karate gis and dowries.

Researchers also noted that when people who live longer with children are asked about that time, they agree that life does feel longer and “like, an eternity since they pooped with the door closed.”

Adults fight because kids are bad at finding Easter eggs

No adult likes going to events for children, unless they’re a stay-at-home parent and it’s the only hope for excitement. But what if the problem with boring kid things isn’t the children, but the adults in attendance?

In Connecticut, adults filled with the spirit of Easter took their kids to an Easter egg hunt, and then ran over any child who got in their way. The event was held at PEZ headquarters, and featured roughly 9,000 eggs, which is clearly not enough to go around. That’s why there were reports of adults stealing eggs and egg baskets from kids, and even knocking some kids down as they raced to beat them to find eggs.

Last week in California, a kindergarten play was briefly entertaining when a fight broke out among parents in the front row. According to police, things got chippy when people sitting in the front row had their views obstructed by parents walking to the front to take pictures of their kids. One woman in particular refused to move when a principal asked her to sit down, and shoving match ensued. The play had to be called early.

Let that be a lesson to all the parents out there: If you want to get out of your kid’s thing early, just start a fight so the cancel it.

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

Kid’s on the fritz, again

Two decades of spanking research are in, and — according to an article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal — it’s analogous to slapping your TV when it’s on the fritz. Sure, it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken, maybe even more so now.

Parents who don’t understand the study, yet believe these Canadian scientists have behaved badly may email their spankings to Joan Durrant, the article’s lead author and a child clinical psychologist and professor of family social sciences at the University of Manitoba.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.

No good breakfast goes unpunished

Alas, another lawless three months of summer have gone and went. School is almost back in session, which means it’s time to remind parents to start raising their kids again.

As your teenagers will need to wake up before the crack of 2 p.m., researchers suggest feeding them a breakfast mixture of protein and fiber–otherwise known as the classic “One-Two Combo” on blenders and toilets. This should energize your future voter and keep them full until lunch.

The link contains recipes, but might we suggest The Guys’ recommend breakfast?

  • Coffee with Bailey’s (caffeine and dairy)
  • Bacon (protein)
  • A cigarette and a newspaper (fiber)

It’s proven to boost standardized test scores by making standardized tests bearable.

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

Today’s SG brought to you by number 12, letters ‘oz’

If the latest surveys are to be believed, 92 percent of U.S. children are online and reading SeriouslyGuys before the age of two. Actually, a full quarter of children started their Guysville (launching very soon!*) game accounts before even exiting the womb.

So, to all of the parents of those children, we just want to assure you that your progeny’s mind is safe with us. Don’t even bother monitoring their online habits; just set the parental controls to keep it on this Web site and go have a drink.

OK, are they gone?

Awesome! Welcome to SeriouslyGuys! Have you checked out our Booze News section? You can’t have a Facebook profile without documented drunken escapades! And here’s how to set your privacy settings so your parents will never know.

*Never happening: our promise to you.

What’s worse than commie porn?

As a class of young students at the vaguely Hitler-esque named Adolf Reichwein School learned: German commie porn!

Parents were stunned by pens donated by the German Communist Party that light up and project erotic images of women. And you know that if German parents are shocked, that these are some very disturbing erotic images, indeed!