Tag: parents

Supremely good news, bad news

OK, so the U.S. Supreme Court has good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

We’re sorry. You should speak up louder when addressing your computer, especially if you’re at work. We’ll just assume you said, “Good news first.”

The good news is that if you’re a a juvenile delinquent, then you can no longer receive a life sentence for your crimes unless you kill someone … intentionally. So, this is kind of bad news if you’re a parent and lack the stones to “take out” the bad seed you “brought in to this world.” The system won’t do it for you anymore. (That’s not our “bad news,” though.)

The bad news is that you can still be held indefinitely for sex crimes, which are not murder. So, if you’re gonna have sex with your high school girlfriend (assuming you’re in high school or a famous film director), make sure you have her parents’ consent first.

So, keep your hands gloved and your hard drive clean; otherwise, you’re grounded for life.

Haiti has a police force? Who knew?

Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.

The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.

Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you see Footloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”

Update (2 Feb 2010): Parents of the “orphans” are showing up to reclaim their children. Whoops!

Did they try ‘sexting’ their kids?

According to a Harvard study, more than 40 percent of parents wait until it’s too late to have “The Talk” with their kids. Two-thirds of sons reported having sex before discussing proper condom use with their parents, which means that few bananas have been wasted with spermicide and a lot of elbows were very protected. One-fourth of polled daughters never learned about saying no, which is good for teenage boys and high school teachers, but bad for at least appearances’ sake.

The scary part? The study consisted of a survey of only 141 parents, who were enrolled in a program called “Talking Parents,” which was meant to help them discuss birds and bees and why we don’t have sex with them, but each other. Yet, they still waited until it was too late.

Coupled with the past eight years of abstinence-only sex education, it’s amazing that Photoshop hasn’t added a “Herpes Wand” tool for school picture touch-ups.

So now, the recommended age to begin talking to your children about sex is always. When your toddler notices things in the bathtub, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do. When they’re watching The Piano for their fourth grade movie review, explain what a Harvey Keitel is to them. And when they’re going to their first dance, make sure they know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”

This is a full-out pop culture assault. If they’re not gonna read a book vampire book with sex, then you’ve got to step up.

Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

What happens when you let everyone onto Facebook?

This. This is what happens when Facebook let everyone onto their social networking site.

Originally designed for college students, Facebook was the way to stalk that girl you sit behind in Lit class. You know, the one who’s always whale-tailin’ it up.

Back then, you could have a group dedicated to “dead baby” jokes or Elmo slash-fiction, and no one cared because they were busy getting into “it’s complicated with” relationships with their BFFs.

Not anymore.

Facebook opened her borders up to everyone. The high schoolers were first, trying to find new ways to display pictures of themselves looking in mirrors. Then, the parents joined.

Now every group has that one bored soccer mom trying to have a serious discussion about teen pregnancy on the “I Don’t Remember Last Night” group message board. (She followed her son, who is in college, there to keep tabs on him.)

So, good-bye “Dead Babies Make Me Laugh” group. Sorry all the moms with new babies didn’t find you as hilarious. It was fun while you lasted, but to be fair, you kids are not nearly as funny as our class was. We invented dead babies. Posers.

Town of Average, population: your kid

Speaking of gifted kids, did you know that there’s a good chance yours isn’t?

Well, not yours. Your kid is–of course–actually gifted. He or she just happens to be that 2 to 5 percent of actual gifted children destined to save the world from the Buggers. Don’t worry if you catch them picking their nose or flicking their little Yankee Doodle: that just means they’re eccentric.

Yep, your child’s obvious greatness is a testament to your fantastic parenting, unlike those parents with difficult children with Down’s Syndrome or cerebral palsy. Those parents have it so easy! Some of them don’t even have to chase their kids!

So congratulations to you (yes you), awesome parent of the century. Your child will make millions, and you’ll get into one of the nice homes, where you will be voted Second-Chance Prom Queen or King over and over again by the rest of us.

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents

Sandboxes = very late term abortions

Hey there, parents!

Do you have a lot of money? Do you hate your kids? Could you stomach living in Florida?

Then have we and the Army got a deal for you! For a half-million dollars, you can live within spitting distance of Disney World on a former Army jeep range. Every yard is a dynamite lottery, thanks to undocumented, unexploded ordinance!

Just send your kids outside with a treasure map, and then relive the glory days at nearby Pleasure Island!

And if you’d like to get back down to your “playing weight,” then go for a jog and blow those extra pounds away. Just think of Bouncing Betty as your government-provided hot-blooded trainer.

‘I’d like to ass you a question’

13 lacrosse players were suspended from Huron High School in Ann Arbor, Mich., for a … cheeky shenanigan. They wrote a prom invitation to Carolyn Campbell across their hineys, the last several asking “Yes or No?,” for Kristoff Wennersten.

In response, she chose not to make Wennersten the butt of the joke and patted his tookhas, which was marked as “yes.” (You can’t spell “Wennersten” without “wenner.”)

However, scores of other parents, who were waiting for Kristoff to ask them, felt rebuffed and complained to Huron High. An anonymous source says that one mother called the situation “sh–ty.”

How To: Get married

We’ve provided several How Tos on how to get into a relationship. This isn’t one of those.

No, this How To is about making the whole ordeal much, much easier. At some point, you’re going to consider taking the plunge, whether it’s a matter of financial security, citizenship, wanting to breed or the government finally said it’s OK. (Keep your chins up, robo sapiens!)

That is why The Guys sat down and drafted this handy guide that explains how to get married.

Continue reading How To: Get married