You Missed It: Ancient robot edition

From the franchise that once teabagged its whole audience.

There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.

You Missed It: Harsh environment edition

Make America Grey Again.

There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.

Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.

Parisians told to remain calm as wolves close in

Oh non! Les loups!

Our allies in France are in peril, but no one in the U.S. seems to want to do anything about it. In the suburbs of Paris, citizens are reporting the howling of wolves, and they are getting quite nervous.

After being nearly defeated around 1930, the wolves in France have made a comeback. They apparently made it around the Maginot Line and the grey-colored forces are moving on the French capital, making their way through the streets of outlying towns. The response from the French government is, amazingly, not immediate surrender, but it’s close. They are telling people not to worry about the encroaching wolves because “they only eat four-legged animals.” That’s effectively telling people not to be afraid of things that are there to eat them.

Paris hasn’t seen this sort of danger from wolves in 20 years. It’s time we stand with our allies in La Guerre Contre les Animaux before the whole country falls.

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.

Sheep go after priceless artwork

The enemy is after mankind’s most precious works of art. It’s like The Monuments Men, only with sheep instead of Nazis.

Several sheep invaded the Louvre in Paris last week, using their shepherds as patsies. The shepherds claimed to be protesting agriculture policies in France, which could put them out of business. It’s not hard to see here that the more likely scenario is that the sheep seduced the farmers and convinced them that they had a reason for protest, so that the sheep could run amok.

Wake up, sheeple!

How rude: Frenchness under siege from within

Over 300,000 copies have been distributed to taxi drivers, waiters, hotel managers and sales people. These will then be applied to tourists by grinding them up and sprinkling into upholstery, pâté, pillow mints and Eiffel Tower snowglobes.
Toruism officials distributed over 300,000 copies of the manual to taxi drivers, waiters, hotel managers and sales people. These will then be applied to tourists by grinding them up and sprinkling the confetti into upholstery, pâté, pillow mints and Eiffel Tower snow globes.

Possibly in response to a joke we made about the volume of waiter piss in their escargot, the Paris chamber of commerce and the regional tourism committee are now concerned that their trademark snootiness could send potential visitors to rival romantic locations like London or Amsterdam.

So, they’ve published a booklet entitled Do you speak Touriste? with hopes that it will nip Frenchness in the bourgeon. The booklet suggests greeting tourists in their preferred languages, including German with hands raised high. Other culturally specific tips include calling British people by their first name and assuring Americans that 300 Euros is totally reasonable for a bottle of water.

And if you’re cancelling travel plans to France because you expected their world-class disdain, you could always try New York. They have the common courtesy to piss on you and leave your snails alone.

You Missed It: Out come the idiots edition

It’s Friday, and it’s June. It is June, right? OK, good. I am still recovering from a wild weekend. I know, five days is a long time to recover, but man, it was a good time. If you were busy checking out of the hospital after being treated for exhaustion, odds are you missed it.

Now if we can just link this to Bush
Air France Flight 447 crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Paris from Rio. Everyone died. No wreckage has been found. Actually, only an oil slick has been discovered at this point. The cause of the crash may never actually be known. In other news, 9/11 conspiracy theorists have a new hobby ahead of them.

See! He really is one of them!
Addressing fellow Muslims in Cairo, Egypt this week, President Barack Obama quoted both the Koran and the Bible, while he said it was time for the U.S. and the Islamic world to mend the fences. He also said it was time for Israel to stop settling on the West Bank. This upset Israelis, because difference between the East Bank and the West Bank is like that of West and East Hampton.

Even the mustache is smiling
Randy Johnson got his 300th career win, but that’s really not anything special, because it was against the Washington Nationals, who do not technically play baseball according to modern definitions. But still, the Big Unit got to the 300 mark, making him likely the last person to reach that milestone. He also leads the league in lifetime struck birds.

Bonus!
Sean Hannity interviewed Rush Limbaugh on is FOX News show this week. No one asked questions, they just agreed that they are right about everything.

It’s hard out here for a gimp

We’ve all been affected by the economy in one form or another. Heck, the world itself has been affected by this money crunch.

And no one has been hit harder than the French sex toy industry.

No one.

Massage oils, edible underwear, high heeled shoes and “neck massagers” have all seen slumping sales in Gay Paris. People seem to be very scared to spend their money, especially lonely housewives. Many vendors were used to being beneficiaries of the “Checkout Line Phenomena”, in that when someone would visit them to buy one product, they’d usually end up impulsively buying two or three. Now? It’s only that single pleasure pal. Instead, people seem to be going back to basics (so to speak) for their behind-closed-doors-enjoyment.

Perhaps we at Seriously Guys would like to debut a new category: “Sex doesn’t sell.”

MasterChugs Theater: Brett Ratner serves a purpose

I just got the bad news. Blood pressure’s up. Stress is on its way to end it all. Granted, it’s genetic and runs in the family, but still–why now? Is there anything that can be done to help the situation?

Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. What am I to do?

Well, the doctor recommends a form of catharsis. Think of it as therapy, he says. Maybe you should excise some of that gratuitous stress that’s all built up within, is his advice.

OK. Sure, that can be done.

Dear Brett Ratner,

Just who do you think you are? Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Brett Ratner serves a purpose

Why can’t you just hold up signs like us?

A pretentious protest? In France? Nah!

It might be hard to believe, but yes, protesters are hitting the streets of Paris to protest their cause. Yet it’s a sentiment any American can get behind. Workers are tired of unfair working conditions, formed a labor union and are sticking it to the man.

French nude models (Really? That’s a job?) are stripping in the streets to protest a ban on tips, as well as their low pay.

OK, we are willing to believe that there are people out there not in the porn or prostitution industries whose job it is to sit around naked all day and collect tips. (Seriously, how do you go into that line of work? Is there a special school for nude models? Do you need to have an impressive resumé?) But let’s think about this here for a minute. You’re protest the low pay of your job by doing your job for free.

It can safely be assumed that in response to the protesters, dozens of artist have shown up and begun to work.