40 snakes found in Wal-Mart parking lot, as foretold in prophecy

If we haven’t made it clear by now, you should avoid Wal-Mart at all costs, and not because they gut your town’s economy. Those places, their parking lots, specifically, are targets for animal attacks.

In Arkansas, police responded to a report of 40 snakes in the parking lot, creating a panic. Many Wal-Mart-goers were concerned that the snakes where poisonous, but fortunately, this turned out not to be true.

Police believe that the snakes were put there by some evil person, but that’s lazy police work. It is entirely conceivable that these snakes showed up in the Wal-Mart parking lot on their own specifically to wreak havoc on the local populace. These non-poisonous snakes wanted to live one day like they were as dangerous at the ones that have venom.

Bee deal goes bad, swarm goes on rampage

People like deals more than they care about family businesses, which is why Wal-Mart is so successful. And once again, the animals are using our love of rollback prices against us.

Just one week after some dogs launched an attack in a Wal-Mart parking lot in West Virginia, bees struck in Oklahoma. Authorities say it was a beehive deal gone bad. Someone was selling three hives to someone else in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart, when one of the hives was dropped setting the insects off, and a swarm of thousands began attacking everyone in sight. The store had to be evacuated for safety reasons.

The fire department eventually hosed down enough bees to quell the uprising, yet none of the survivors have been charged with anything.

Pastor fires premature celebratory shots

Controversial Pastor Terry Jones, who torched a Koran in his church’s backyard to goad his Middle Eastern equivalents to riot in Afghanistan, has courageously traveled to Dearborn, Mich.

He heard there are a lot of Muslims he could protest there, but not the scary ones that kill antagonistic white Christian bigots.

In fact, Terry’s so mantastically badass that he accidentally fired a gun, which he believed he would still need for protection, in his car.

Don’t worry, though: our Christian warrior missed his what-must-be-tremendous balls.

Yoink

Insert phrase about how medical professionals do nothing but take your money here.

We at SG aren’t particularly keen on having to visit the dentist. It isn’t that we don’t take care of our teeth (I personally brush my teeth 3 times a day with lard with lardpaste with toothpaste), we just feel that people that want to poke around in our mouths with metallic objects creep us the hell out. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sure, but sometimes a dude that’s constantly wanting you to open your mouth so he can mess around in it with sharp implements is just a guy that may be of questionable morality.

As such, it doesn’t surprise us at all that Richard Ludwig, a millionaire-value level dentist, decided to not turn in a credit card that he found in a parking lot, but to instead go out for pizzas with it.

Deputies say that when they asked him why he took the card and used it, Dr. Ludwig told them, “I picked up the card, what was I supposed to do with it?” The odd thing was, deputies say the dentist had $250.00 in his wallet the entire time.

Check out the mugshot. I’m not saying that Ludwig has ever killed a person, much less injured anybody, but the sheriff’s department might want to open up some cold case files.

It’s not Walmart’s fault that you’re a bad driver

Remember Richard Griswold? Remember his adventures in a Walmart parking lot? Remember how he backed into a light pole that was painted a bright yellow?

Pepperidge Farm doesn’t. But SeriouslyGuys and District Court Judge Sawako Gardner both do. We both know that Griswold somehow managed to make a clod move on his part and then decided to blame someone else for it. However, only Gardner had the legal ability to do something about it (vote Yes on Proposition 456235.SG to make that a reality for SG!) and did he:

In a decision released by the court on Wednesday, the judge wrote that Griswold failed to meet the burden of proof during a previous court hearing. The judge noted Griswold claimed the pole was “not placed properly,” that other drivers had struck it and that it should be moved by Walmart. The judge also wrote Walmart’s opinion that the crash was due to Griswold’s “own negligence.”

It’s never fun to have your inability to simply operate a vehicle in a parking lot become a matter of legal record.

‘Gun-owners need not apply’

We’ve discussed guns in this space before. Americans have a right to them, and private businesses have a right to refuse service to anyone they choose … if they’re willing to make us leave.

Since open-carry proponents’ boycott of Starbucks isn’t working, the our brothers in Georgia have almost passed a law to allow privately-owned guns in non-secure areas of the airport. You know, the lobby to the place where it’s illegal to carry bottled water and pocket knives?

According to one of the lawmakers, State Rep. Tim Bearden, “Posting a metal sign that says ‘Gun-Free Zone’ is not going to stop a terrorist or any criminal intent on doing harm to law-abiding citizens.”

And Bearden’s right. A terrorist could pull a gun at the Delta counter. Or in the parking lot. Or in the men’s room when we’re just looking for a handie.

That’s why we need armed private citizens patrolling our airports for other armed private citizens. And to expedite this recruitment, we shouldn’t waste time with bothersome tests like in, say, law enforcement, airport security, anti-terrorist operations, the ability to use said weapon or basic logic.