Jerry Seinfeld was unavailable for comment

So. Airplane food. It sure sucks, right? With its horrible taste and small portions? It’s just atrocious!

I’ll stop right there as the rest of my stand-up bit has now become completely and totally obsolete. Science has figured out the ages old question most famously posed by comedians: airplanes are just too blasted loud for food to taste good.

Researcher Andy Woods noticed airplanes weren’t the only place where food had to be heavily seasoned to get any flavor, and he wondered about a possible connection:

There’s a general opinion that aeroplane foods aren’t fantastic. I’m sure airlines do their best – and given that, we wondered if there are other reasons why the food would not be so good. One thought was perhaps the background noise has some impact. NASA gives their space explorers very strong-tasting foods, because for some reason thay can’t taste food that strongly – again, perhaps it’s the background noise. There was no previous research on this, so we went about seeing if the hunch was correct.

The test subjects were blindfolded and given headphones that were either completely silent or fairly noisy. They were then fed sweet foods and salty foods, and asked to rate how intense the flavors were and how much they liked those flavors. In the noisier environment, the test subjects found food less flavorful but actually found the food quite a bit crunchier than those eating in silence. Woods believes this is because the background noise distracts diners, which makes people’s brains unable to properly concentrate on the flavor of the food. Since crunchiness has a noise component to it as well, that might explain why people notice it more in noisier settings.

Obviously, the next move for science to make is to find out just what the deal is with those little bags of peanuts.

Keeping an eye on ghoulish figures

Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.

And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)

Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.

Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.

Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).

And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.

Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.

Tupac Shakur failed to make this year’s issue because, as Dr. Snee explained, that’s how iron lungs work.