March of the Poop-guins

Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!

Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.

“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.

Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!

They make better sandwiches than pets anyways

After receiving word from their penguin bretheren, it appears that all manner of sea-creatures are mobilizing an attack. A dolphin in Florida lept onto a boat and started violently thrashing, obviously trying to injure/kill anyone aboard. It appears as if the animals are strategically engineering their attacks along the coasts, our solution: nuke the seven seas and show these bastards how we really make fried fish.

Invade Brazil now

If you’re a human, it’s assumed you’re on our side. Unfortunately, there are plenty of species traitors among us around the world, waiting like sleeper cells to spring into action, helping or animal foes prioritized by cuteness.

A group of these self-loathing people saved nearly 400 penguins that were lost and therefor deserved to die. Instead, they were loaded onto a Brazilian military plane and transported not to a death camp, but to the country’s coast and set free. Rumors have it these flightless birds were in rehab for either battle scars or heroin addiction.

The direct involvement of the Brazilian military working in concert with known terrorists is grounds for invasion, folks. We need to hit them and we need to hit them before they know what hits them. After we do that, we can hit the heart of our enemy in its secluded lair: the rainforest.

Take that, Morgan Freeman

Yes, we’ve all been suckered in by the cute penguin movies over the past couple of years. March of the Penguins and Happy Feet have lulled us into a false sense of security over these black and white living bowling pins. However, if you’ll read this article carefully, you’ll notice that majority of the penguins are being washed up in petroleum.

That’s right, these fish-gobbling cash cows are attempting to steal our oil. So the next time you’re spending $60 to fill up your car, think back to the $20 you spent on the relaxing voice over of Morgan Freeman that is financing these criminals.