I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now? Paul, but Fierce
Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.
But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.
If you want to know why we’re losing the War on Animals … Don’t look at us that way. It only looks like all the animals are gone because it’s winter. Come March, and you’ll see that they were just lying in wait for bikini season.
Anyway, if you want to know why we’re losing the War on Animals, it’s because we’re not willing to evolve more creatively. Take, for example, the Goniobranchus reticulata species of sea slug.
Honesty time: we’ve all mated with someone and felt oogy about it afterward. While we mere humans must live in shame, G. reticulatasevers off its penis after mating and grows a new (and unoffending) one.
Guys, if sea slugs can solve the “Smell Yo Dick” test before us, what hope do we have as a species?
When it comes to male genitalia, size matters. At least, it does during dick measuring contests. Or, according to the makers of a smart phone app that measures your penis, when selecting a properly sized condom.
Research by the American Sexual Health Association indicates that men who forgo wearing condoms during sex often do so because they don’t fit comfortably. This has contributed to, according to sex researchers from Indiana University, a misconception that condoms reduce sexual satisfaction in general. Ergo: using the Condom Size app from VSM Enterprises to properly appraise your penis should help you enjoy more pleasurable, safer sex.
It’s as easy as one-two-holding “your hard member straight against inches or centimeters on side screen,” and then using a piece of string for your girth measurements. (Well, that escalated rather quickly, didn’t it?)
Oh, and did we mention that you can then compare your results to men around the world to see how you measure up? So, even if you’re not conventionally big in America, you could still be huge in South and North Korea, the two countries tied for smallest on average.
Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.
The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.
By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)
Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.
Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.
160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.
100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!
Sex in uncomfortable positions and locations, such as in the office or a car, can potentially break your tunica albuginea — the “bone” in your boner. Or, a better way to define these places? Anywhere your regularly scheduled sex partner isn’t.
Here at SG, we’re pretty manly, and we’re proud of that. We take pride in not bothering with asking for directions, our ability to char and singe the flesh of animals is second to none and we greatly enjoy being able to pee standing up (our efficiency in the bathroom with that of a woman is 500% better).
The human genome has been mapped, but that doesn’t mean that science is done poking around with our source code. Much like bebop and other free-form jazz, sometimes you have to find the genes that aren’t present to learn what separates us from our animal foes.
And that is how David Kingsley of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute and Stanford University School of Medicine in California and colleagues found the gene that makes beejers possible.
Also, something or other about our brains.
(P.S.: As you can tell by the category list, this story was really in our wheelhouse.)