Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

"It was tiny, and it looked like this!"
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

The Eyeore’s tail of penises

After mating, the Goniobranchus reticulata sea slug runs home to put his disembodied penis under his pillow for the Penis Fairy.
After mating, the Goniobranchus reticulata sea slug runs home to put his disembodied penis under his pillow for the Penis Fairy.

If you want to know why we’re losing the War on Animals … Don’t look at us that way. It only looks like all the animals are gone because it’s winter. Come March, and you’ll see that they were just lying in wait for bikini season.

Anyway, if you want to know why we’re losing the War on Animals, it’s because we’re not willing to evolve more creatively. Take, for example, the Goniobranchus reticulata species of sea slug.

Honesty time: we’ve all mated with someone and felt oogy about it afterward. While we mere humans must live in shame, G. reticulata severs off its penis after mating and grows a new (and unoffending) one.

Guys, if sea slugs can solve the “Smell Yo Dick” test before us, what hope do we have as a species?

Be sure to use a screen protector

Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.
Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.

When it comes to male genitalia, size matters. At least, it does during dick measuring contests. Or, according to the makers of a smart phone app that measures your penis, when selecting a properly sized condom.

Research by the American Sexual Health Association indicates that men who forgo wearing condoms during sex often do so because they don’t fit comfortably. This has contributed to, according to sex researchers from Indiana University, a misconception that condoms reduce sexual satisfaction in general. Ergo: using the Condom Size app from VSM Enterprises to properly appraise your penis should help you enjoy more pleasurable, safer sex.

It’s as easy as one-two-holding “your hard member straight against inches or centimeters on side screen,” and then using a piece of string for your girth measurements. (Well, that escalated rather quickly, didn’t it?)

Oh, and did we mention that you can then compare your results to men around the world to see how you measure up? So, even if you’re not conventionally big in America, you could still be huge in South and North Korea, the two countries tied for smallest on average.

[Special thanks to Jenna B. for the link!]

Ocean water, you nasty

Enjoy that swim in Acapulco. Just don’t be surprised if you come back pregnant with Doomsday.

Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.

The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.

By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)

Measuring up ye bagpipes

Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.

Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.

160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.

100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!

 (Special thanks to Patrick H.)

Sticking up for your penis

Just like California Gov. Jerry Brown, The Guys would like to assure you that your penis is on our minds. And by that, we mean penis health in general.

We all know that cheating increases the risk giving your partner a scorching, dripping case of the Mondays. But, did you know that you can break your dick?

This is the subject of the most important academic paper you will ever read to your penis, just to warn it that, while it’s right about your coworkers being very attractive, it’s better to just Google porn stars that look like them later in the comfort of your masturbatorium.

Sex in uncomfortable positions and locations, such as in the office or a car, can potentially break your tunica albugineathe “bone” in your boner. Or, a better way to define these places? Anywhere your regularly scheduled sex partner isn’t.

No Houston Rockets in Amarillo’s pocket

Sometimes, there are unfortunately designed mascots.

Maybe they’re of racist origins.

Maybe they’re of an artifact belonging to the school that just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Maybe they’re of an animal that doesn’t exist.

And maybe they’re just wildly tumid. Maybe next time the local college’s fashion fraternity and not any random fraternity is given the chance to make the costume.

It’s like John Bobbitt but without the marriage stuff

Here at SG, we’re pretty manly, and we’re proud of that. We take pride in not bothering with asking for directions, our ability to char and singe the flesh of animals is second to none and we greatly enjoy being able to pee standing up (our efficiency in the bathroom with that of a woman is 500% better).

Now, we’re not big fans of the whole rape thing, so when a dude loses his urination efficiency because of an attempt, well, we’re inclined to go along with the woman. Nonetheless …

“It is quite an unusual incident. As far as I am aware, this is the first time that a woman has brought a severed penis to the police station as evidence.”

Maaaaaaybe the police in Bangladesh aren’t the brightest of people. Majorly shorn trouser snakes tend to be fairly distinctive, after all.

How humans got head

The human genome has been mapped, but that doesn’t mean that science is done poking around with our source code. Much like bebop and other free-form jazz, sometimes you have to find the genes that aren’t present to learn what separates us from our animal foes.

And that is how David Kingsley of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute and Stanford University School of Medicine in California and colleagues found the gene that makes beejers possible.

Also, something or other about our brains.

(P.S.: As you can tell by the category list, this story was really in our wheelhouse.)