Content Warning: Gentlemen, you may want to cross your legs in advance.
Ladies, we hope you’re proud of yourselves. After years of your stand-up comedians and sitcom stars berating men for leaving the toilet seat up, you’ve single-handedly crushed the penises of at least four British toddlers.
The children were merely trying to lift the seats up where you lazily left them, and the seats collapsed mid-stream, whacking their wee-dandy-doodles.
Doctors — who are apparently more motherly than you self-absorbed sloths — now say the seats should remain up, secured by a more responsible adult.
Also, you should totally start leave him alone when he’s watching sports all day. And make him those tacos he loves so much. You know, if you’re not too selfishly lazy.
So a certain SeriouslyMom found a condom tied around the door handle of her car in the parking lot of Target in Huntsville, Alabama. It was not a used rubber (which would make it an official scum bag), but just an unpackaged and unfurled lubricated windsock.
Perplexed by this happenstance, she consulted with the most qualified behavioral experts she knew: The Guys. After ruling out gang activity, satanic worship and swim team hazing, we determined it to be a, well, crime we guess of ignorance.
You see, Alabama is a red state. Even the clay here is red (and goopy). While the stores obviously sell condoms, teenagers aren’t taught how to use them, so the items are a bit of a mystery to them. (“Why are those balloons behind the counter?”)
With this in mind, we are taking a little time out of our busy “gettin’ busy” schedules to teach them, and anyone else living in 1958, how to use a condom. Continue reading How To: Use a condom
As we get closer to summer, there is a threat looming on the horizon: barbeques. More specifically, we are referring to eating hot dogs in public. During the winter months, The Guys dine in solitude, devouring anything microwavable, safe from the prying eyes of people at parks.
But with the rapid approach of Memorial Day, our nation will be faced with a question that fills our hearts with dread: “Burger or dog?” Sure, the burger’s the safe choice, but sometimes they run out of burgers or the jerk wearing the “World’s Greatest Chef” apron only cooks them well done.
So, how do you eat a hot dog respectably without looking like Linda Lovelace? In other words, what separates how you eat a hot dog from a “not dog.” That’s the subject of this week’s How To. Continue reading How To: Eat a hot dog respectably
Men of Congo, look out-your local witch doctors are after your most prized possession!
Don’t understand? Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. No longer a myth, men are actually being besieged by that magical lot, the witch doctors (a group we’re all too familiar with), and the result has been nothing short of the opposite of Viagra. That effect has led to chaos that cannot be controlled, and multiple lynchings that have been attempted.
What was left was tiny.
Don’t let this happen to you. If you’re in the Congo, beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.