An attempted Axe murderer is on the loose in Freedom High School in Bethlehem, Pa. At least one student was hospitalized after inhaling the assailant’s copiously applied Axe Body Spray.
Unilever, the Axe maker in question, denies any culpability in the attack, saying they’ve always encouraged responsible Axe uses and safety. There will always be Axe in high schools, malls and movie theaters, they admit, but users can report issues to “our Consumer Services Team at our 800 phone number, which is available on the back of our product packaging.”
No arrests have been made at this time, but authorities have asked all students to leave their Axe at home for the time being. Axe-free school zones, however, will not stop the attacks, though. Everyone knows that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with Axe … is a good guy with Axe. Or Tag. Or Bod.
Mahanoy Area High School in eastern Pennsylvania has discovered what Joseph Gayetty knew all the way back in 1857: that there is very little difference between money and toilet paper.
After having to continually spend to replenish toilet paper — plus unclog the toilets — due to vandalism, Principal Thomas Smith is now controlling the substance. From now on, before you can make number two, you’ve got to sign out some squares from the school’s number one.
At least one parent, however, isn’t taking the Great Toilet Paper Requisition of 2013 sitting down: “Parent Karen Yedsena says some students are too embarrassed to go to the office to get toilet paper and are going home sick instead.” This is why the Guys firmly believe that Everyone Poops should be required freshman reading.
Pennsylvania Governor Bill Corbett filed a lawsuit against the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State. The school received a $60 million fine, a four year bowl game ban and limited scholarships for, according to a report by former FBI director Louis Freeh, failing to disclose Jerry Sandusky’s shower fun times with children since they first became aware of it back in 1998.
Gov. Corbett, who served on the Penn State Board of Trustees back when the scandal broke, reviewed the NCAA’s bylaws and alleged that the college sports association overstepped its boundaries:
“Corbett’s spokesman, Kevin Harley, said Corbett came to believe the NCAA had overstepped its bounds and had not followed its bylaws, which limited sanctions to infractions relating to recruitment, academics, and football.”
See? Nothing about molesting children, so it’s OK when your school profits from it.
That might be the prevailing theme behind the majority of the stories that we talk about here at SG: “just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” This rule of thumb can be applied to men, women, children, old people, even animals. We understand that there are times in your life that you might think taking an action will further your life in a positive direction or even just be awesome. When you encounter these moments, please apply the above mantra.
Such as when you’re living your life as a woman (having previously been a man) and you’ve just gotten a new pair of sweater muffins. Hey, you’re proud of them! Should other people marvel at them? Maybe. Should other people marvel at them when you’re at Walmart? Probably not. Actions like those can sometimes get you arrested.
Hey, we’re just looking out for you, though not necessarily looking at you.
In Shadyside, Pennsylvania, there lies a bank. And within this bank lies an ice cream shop. Actually, I got that reversed. Within an ice cream shop lies a bank. Because that makes sense.
It also is apparently very frowned upon. Maybe because it’s not a great practice. Despite his totally low-cost and non punitive services, the Pennsylvania Department of Banking isn’t very happy with Ethan Clay, the owner of the Oh Yeah! ice cream shop (and partial-time bank-like institution). And yet, the DoB can’t actually punish Clay, but they can get their friend the district attorney to perhaps do so.
Clay admits that while technically it’s not a bank, it’s pretty much a bank. Hey, as long as someone doesn’t mix in some pennies with my dark chocolate-raspberry, it’s no sweat off my back.
We know the Boys Scouts of America are aggressively anti-dick, having stripped at least one open homosexual of his Eagle Scout award and their ongoing policy to remove any gay scouts or leaders from their ranks. But, it’s OK because they’re anti-beaver, too.
A 51-year-old scout leader, Normand Brousseau, was minding his own business, swimming in the Delaware River when a frothy, foaming at the mouth beaver swam betwixt his legs and launched a surprise attack, possibly thinking he was packing wood. Brousseau grabbed the rabid beaver and threw it, but beaver was too quick and caught back up, attacking him until he could securely grab it, hold its mouth shut and throw it again, this time ashore.
And, at that point, it was on the Boy Scout’s turf. Members of his troop punished that mouthy beaver old school, Leviticus-style: they stoned it to death.
This happens when Argintar decided to dress up as the caped crusader, sans cape, and patrol around a Home Depot parking lot. Some might say that his intentions were good, as he was asking customers if they needed help because he was here to “save the day.” Most would say that after the events of Aurora, Colorado, his intentions were ill-timed at best, but most probably stupid and idiotic. This resulted in the local law enforcement being called to the do it yourself superstore.
We’re not exactly saying that Argintar is a bad Batman. We’re just saying that he’s not a good Batman if he got arrested. And if his cape isn’t Norm Breyfogle-esque.