Deer prove they are superior runners

Deer hate us, which is why they throw themselves in front of our cars on dark nights. But it turns out they just hate us moving in general.

A herd of deer charged at a college cross country race in in Pennsylvania last weekend. Justin DeLuzio was solidly in the middle of the pack during the footrace, when a dozen or so deer crossed the group’s path. One deer ran into DeLuzio, knocking him head over heels. Bruised, but not broken, he got up and kept running.

The deer remain at large.

You can’t afford to be bigoted

"I'm fired. But who cares? I'm still rich."
“I’m fired. But who cares? I’m still rich.”

It’s important to remember that, while Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination after categorically suspecting Mexicans of rape and drug trafficking and Muslims of terrorism, he still hasn’t gotten the job of president. He can still blow the second half of the interview by failing to convince enough Americans that he didn’t somehow mean all of that in a racist or bigoted way.

Even more importantly: whether he wins the election or not, Trump will be OK. Even if most of the country thinks he’s a racist, he has enough money — possibly even untaxed money — to say and do racist things. He will be able to retire to any segregated (emphasis on “gated”) community once this is all said and done, safe from the half of the country he’s alternately insulting and paying lip-service to right now.

So, please keep this in mind when you’re about to post something on social media that Trump would say. Ask yourself: “Can I afford to post this?” Because an elementary school teacher’s aide in Georgia and the mayor of West York, Pennsylvania just learned that, no, they can’t afford it and will most likely need to seek out new careers.

Peeps shortage could be on horizon

Some 40 years ago, people waited for hours in line to fill up their gas tanks during the Iranian oil embargo. And now our generation may be facing a similar catastrophe — but with candy.

A candy factory in Pennsylvania that makes, among other things, Peeps, is facing production problems because its workers have gone on strike. Workers are demanding a better contract, and aren’t making Peeps, the marshmallow birds the internet loves for some reason. If there’s one thing this blog is not, it’s alarmist, which is why we’re saying you need to run out and buy as many Peeps as you can before the economy comes crashing down around us.

Or, boycott Peeps, and support the peeps who make Peeps.

Pa. town wants man to take down his anti-alien lights

There is a secret war being waged every day. We don’t hear about it much because it’s fought in the shadows of night, and the government doesn’t want us to know about it. One Pennsylvania man isn’t about to let War on Aliens get swept under the rug.

Arthur Brown, 78, put up bright spotlights all over the exterior of his house to keep aliens away. His neighbors have complained, and the town has fined him, most likely because they are become aliens, too. One of his neighbors is upset because it’s been going on for more than a decade, and she can’t sell her house because of it. Now, the town is asking Brown to limit the amount of time the spotlights run.

But what they don’t understand is that those lights are working. Zero aliens have shown up since Brown put the lights up. He should be counted a hero.

Paying your fine: against the law?

If pennies can pay your way into the afterlife or high fashion, then they're good enough for petty municipal fines.
If pennies can pay your way into the afterlife or high fashion, then they’re good enough for petty bureaucrats and their provincial fines.

We’ve all at one time been tempted to pay a fine entirely in pennies, perhaps pouring them all out in front of whichever unlucky government employee’s kiosk you walk up to.

But there’s another way to describe paying your fine with pennies: paying your fine. Are not pennies legal tender? Even if they are not silver or green, do they not turn silverish or green given enough time in a fountain or especially sweaty pocket?

And yet, one Pennsylvania man, Justin Greene, was denied the right — nay, privilege — actually, legal requirement to pay his $25 parking ticket fine in legal, U.S. Treasury Department-issued currency: one cent pieces.

Town officials turned away perfectly legal tender — even if it is ignored by all but the dumbest children when found on the ground — based on a repealed federal law that made pennies and nickels not legal tender for transactions over 25 cents. After learning their error, they will install coin counting machines for future completely legal payments of actual money.

Mr. Greene may have been denied the satisfaction of emptying a sock on government property, but his example means others will have that chance now. And that makes him fully minted hero in this crazy, bureaucratic, paperless world.

Mayflies can bring our summer roads a taste of winter

When a bug hits your windshield, it’s not a big deal, but when thousands of bugs cover a bridge, it’s another matter.

In Pennsylvania, a “blizzard” of mayflies swarmed a bridge, making it hard to see. That’s bad enough, but then the mayflies decided it was a good time to die en masse. In fact, there were so many dead bugs on the bridge that the road surface became slippery, causing three separate motorcycle accidents.

The animals are so dedicated to their cause that they will sacrifice themselves by the truckload just to take a few of us out. Drive carefully, everyone.

Pigs now officially worse than people with clipboards asking for signatures

People that eat at Burger King aren’t great, but hey, they’ve gotta eat somewhere. And no, the food at Burger King is not even remotely good food, but if you have to eat it, it’ll do.

So screw you pigs for forcing people to not eat at a Pennsylvania Burger King. Biting is bad! There are much better, more passive-aggressive ways to prevent people from eating at Burger King, like posting pictures of chicken nuggets in their mash form.

Sabotage in the candy world!

Trouble is afoot and its name is Red Vines!

Hitting barriers appears to be all the rage, and a tractor-trailer driver, seemingly doing his constitutional duty, struck one on a Pennsylvania highway. A little before midnight on Wednesday night, Twizzlers upon Twizzlers spilled onto the road, a sea of red licorice and addiction from end to end.

While I’m not outright accusing the American Licorice Company of causing the accident, I am heavily implying it.

Study: If you have broadband access, you’re not safe from zombies

Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.
Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.

For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.

According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.

The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.

And now, I shall crush your childhood dreams

Many a person, as a child, read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. How awesome would it have been to live there?! There’s nothing but all the edible chocolate that you can dream of! It would be the best thing ever!

Well, living in a chocolate factory can now be done! And not just no-name, but the Hershey’s brand!

Except the chocolate factory has been abandoned. For years. And, while a developer that now owns the chocolate factories has proposed to possibly build condos on highers floors of the factories (which can be done, as the lower floors were designed to hold tons of cocoa beans), there’s not a cocoa, nor a bean left. Alas.