Tag: pennsylvania

Nature continues with super pisces

Last year, I gave a quick glance at a movie called “Frankenfish.” It’s a fun little film but completely fictional. Little did I know that it would actually be a near-documentary.

About 10, maybe 15 years ago, I can remember hearing about snakeheads, an invasive predator that somehow made it into the DC-Maryland area ecosystem. Times have not changed the situation except for the worse. They’re now being found in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Nicknamed as frankenfish, seemingly because of their near patchwork make-up and their willingness to throw a young girl into a lake at a moment’s notice, these little monsters are on the loose … again.

  • They’re strong survivors
  • They’re resilient, ruthless and murderous
  • They have no fear of humans
  • They can adapt

It’s clear that we need to eradicate them. Who’s to say that after they’ve wiped out entire ecosystems, they don’t adapt and evolve legs? It’s a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. The best plan is to blow them all out of the water. If other animals get caught in that crossfire, more’s the better.

Making it rain all over the highway

Just when we thought we might be out of the recession, it turns out the recession wasn’t over after all. Wasn’t that just the pits? Well, it’s always nice to see charity in any form. Especially the people of Pennsylvania.

See, when a lot of money comes blowing your way, right of nowhere, you don’t question it. After all, why not? It’s free money!

Except, maybe not so much. Maybe that magical mystery money wasn’t supposed to be found on the road. Maybe its appearance wasn’t an act of charity, but an act of whoops. Maybe that 200, 000 dollars actually belongs to other people. Maybe you should come forward and hand over any money you find to the local authorities.

Or, blow it on a realistic Yoda costume. We don’t care. We’ve got no dogs in this fight.

Turkeys now involved in violent protests

Hey there reader. Did you have a happy Thanksgiving? We sure hope so. It’s a delicious time of the year where people get to celebrate family and give thanks by feasting upon our animal enemies. Frankly, I find the holiday to be wonderful. But it wasn’t wonderful for everyone this year.

At an Eat’n’Park in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania, chaos disturbed the tranquility enjoyed on Thanksgiving. Near midday afternoon, unprovoked, unwarranted and potentially suicidal, a turkey burst through the window of the restaurant, shattering glass and sending the shards across the carpets and booths near and far. The bird was not thrown. This was upon its own volition.

Animals, do not think that this act of rebellion will be forgotten. While we’re very thankful that no one was in the restaurant at the time of terrorism, forgiveness will not come easy. We will remain ever vigilant, and if a pig decides to break into a restaurant on Christmas Day, it better not be one that has an oven and pineapple juice.

In his defense, he’s got a thing for flat girls

If you’re a convicted sex offender, you probably shouldn’t:

  • be intoxicated in public
  • stumble into a pharmacy
  • kiss a cardboard cutout of a woman in a sunglasses display
  • grope a cardboard cutout of a woman
  • yell and scream when you’re caught
  • do all of the above at the same time

Why? Well, actions like those tend to come with consequences of the monetary kind in the form of a fine and of the legal kind in the form of being arrested. Along with that, if you’re a level 3 sex offender, much like Charlie Price, then it doesn’t reflect well upon your chances of probation ending with a smile and a handshake.

Knowledge for life!

The internet loves your mistakes but people love your money

So, remember how a woman was oblivious enough to not be aware about her surroundings while texting and walking? It would seem that someone needs to pay for her blunder! They will pay!

The woman, who up until now, has been unknown, has now been revealed to be 46 year old Cathy Cruz Marrero. That happens when lawsuits come about.

Oh, right, see, Marrero is suing the Berkshire Mall. The gall of anyone suggesting she take responsibility for her actions! When asked about the event:

“I’m just like dumbfounded. And all I kept saying was, ‘I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.”

Correction: You clumsily stumbled in the fountain. What you should be saying is “I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain.” Fixed!

Aggravated assault with zero calories

Sometimes in life, we just don’t like coming to grips with what’s happened, especially if we’ve initiated the events. As such, some of us insist on shirking our responsibility. These excuses can come in the form of “the bitch set me up,” to “it wasn’t me,” or “the glove doesn’t fit,” to even “it’s not my fault.” Very rarely, though, do we get excuses in the form of cold, sugary, fountain accessed liquids.

A man in Pennsylvania is claiming that the reason he allegedly assaulted his senior citizen mother is because the Pepsi machine at the local CostCo made him do it.

Which is sound logic. And doesn’t make you a “soda jerk” at all.

The father told police that his son had said “that the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother,” and that “he was mad at his mother because she smokes drugs.”

The drugs in question-they wouldn’t happen to be Coke, would they?

When a man has lost everything he has left …

Darren Suchon, a 42 year-old unemployed man from Lehigh Township, Pennsylvania, likes his video games. He likes them so much that when somebody tries to take them away, it results in a car chase, road rage and the cops. Yes, his anger triggers a video game level.

Suchon’s girlfriend, Colleen Frable, became so fed up with his lifestyle that she grabbed his Playstation, put it in the back of her car and took off. He didn’t just get mad. He got really mad, jumping in Frable’s other car (who here actually predicted that it was a Porsche?) and giving chase until he caught up, rear-ended her and ran her off the road. Which is true love.

His explanation to police, who arrived after Frable dialed 911? That she’d taken his PlayStation away once before, and “he didn’t want her to do it again.” Understandable, if he has a penchant for bandicoots.

Suchon now faces a long list of charges including “simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment, disorderly conduct, reckless driving and driving with a suspended or revoked license.” Those might hinder him in fixing that whole unemployed bit.

Tyler Durden strikes again!

Being a senior in high school is a rather crazy time in a person’s life. You’re inundated with so much information: there’s announcements, activities, special classes, counseling sessions to prepare for college and presentations. Oh man, the presentations. There are just so many “seniors only” presentations, all you can do is really just sit back and take in the information.

Well, maybe you shouldn’t take in all of the information shown to you, at least, not until you’re 18. Or 21 in some states.