If You Give a Mouse a Dew

It might be time for Pepsi Co. Inc. to review their legal team.

When Ronald Ball of Illinois sued over allegedly finding a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew, the soft drink company responded with a resounding, “Nuh-uh,” adding that steeping a mouse in Mountain Dew would have corroded it into a “jelly-like” substance.

So, quit whining, and embrace the extreme! Why, there could be all kinds of acid-melted animals in the Code Red right there in your hand, dude.

Aggravated assault with zero calories

Sometimes in life, we just don’t like coming to grips with what’s happened, especially if we’ve initiated the events. As such, some of us insist on shirking our responsibility. These excuses can come in the form of “the bitch set me up,” to “it wasn’t me,” or “the glove doesn’t fit,” to even “it’s not my fault.” Very rarely, though, do we get excuses in the form of cold, sugary, fountain accessed liquids.

A man in Pennsylvania is claiming that the reason he allegedly assaulted his senior citizen mother is because the Pepsi machine at the local CostCo made him do it.

Which is sound logic. And doesn’t make you a “soda jerk” at all.

The father told police that his son had said “that the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother,” and that “he was mad at his mother because she smokes drugs.”

The drugs in question-they wouldn’t happen to be Coke, would they?

You’ve got the frog one, baby

The animals are now resorting to suicide missions to try and kill us. Take for example one Florida man who thought he was going to be enjoying a refreshing Pepsi, only to get Pepsi’s limited release “Dismembered Frog Series.”

The animals are trying to choke us, and are willing to die themselves in the process. God only knows what they’ve done to our Coca-Cola factories.

No matter who loses …

… we barbecuers of the world still win.

I call dibs on the body of the loser!

Boxing is serious business. Worldwide, it’s highly marketable-just ask Coca-cola and Pepsi. The two soda giants have set up camp and attempted to sink their claws into the newest hot boxer, Worapoj Phetkum. Yes Alex, they want Thai hot. Both companies have begun heavy negotiations and camping with the man.

Phetkum has yet to have a boxing match yet, mind you.

But all that’s set to change-he’s in the Olympics! Yes, Phetkum takes on Italy this Friday. It’s not just a winner-take-all match; the winner gets an Olympic medal. The loser gets to go home empty-handed.

Oh, and by the way, I’m talking about Pepsi and Coca-cola.