‘Pay no attention to that spider on top of the web!’

Don't even think about it, Blue Fairy. There are too many real spiders as it is.
Don’t even think about it, Blue Fairy. We know all about your hard-on for bugs, and there are too many real spiders as it is.

Phil Torres, a biologist and science educator, was leading one of his tours of the Peruvian rainforest when he discovered a spider … being controlled by another spider. It turns out that this possibly new species of the spider genus Cyclosa has taken the creepy in creepy crawly to the next level: puppetry.

Cyclosa spiders are known for making decoys in their webs using leaves, egg sacs and dirt. This one, however, actually crafts a full spider body — legs and all — out of the materials and uses web threads to make them move. Torres discovered 25 of them along the trail alone, with varying degrees of realism. (One of the spiders is experiencing a Cubist period.)

What’s most notable about the decoys is their size and placement. The decoys are nearly twice the size of the actual puppetmaster spiders, and they’re positioned at about human face-height. It’s clear that these compensatory analogues are meant for us humans, as if spiders weren’t terrifying enough.

Oh look, more dead aliens [/snooze]

A Peruvian college boooooy claims to have found proof of aliens in the form of a skull. Let’s examine why this is probably false.

  1. Renato Davila Riquelme says that he’s found a creature with a triangle-shaped head. Since when did triangles look like watermelons.
  2. People have been dying for years, nay, centuries, from different ailments that made them look different. Just because photography came about in 1839 doesn’t mean that people didn’t have lionitis before then.
  3. When the word scientists is placed in quotation marks in an article,we should almost automatically doubt everything reported.
  4. And the most damning piece of evidence: noted [fictional] scientist Reed Richards once stated regarding extraterrestrial biology, when a creature’s eyes are large, it usually means they have poor vision. Oftentimes, they can recognize shapes but not necessarily distinguish color. Even if the skull in the article is an honest to truth alien, it’s a racist.

Did somebody say …… wood?

Okay, the obligatory Dave Coulier reference has been done. It won’t have to be made again for a whole year.

HOWEVER, if you live in Peru, you know what you might have to make again, and in less than a year’s time? Your wooden house. No joke.

The catfish are coming, the catfish are coming! Yes, a new species of catfish has been found in northeastern Peru. These creatures are fond of wood (just like your mom), or least, the scrapings of wood. They consume said scrapings with their nightmarish spoon teeth. Oh, and they grow to be around two feet in length. That’s more than a third of me!

People, I shouldn’t have to explain to you just how critical it is for us to eliminate these creatures right now. The sooner they’re taken care of, the better, because if we don’t, an untold number of native Peruvians that have built their houses literally on the river may soon find themselves in wetter living conditions than they imagined.

Titis under man’s clothes in airport!

Reader, do you:

  • Hate animals?
  • Fear illegal Latino immigrants?
  • Find words that sound like “titties” hilarious and verrrrry arousing?

Then get the monitor swabs ready, because you’re about to shoot your SeriouslyLoad!

A man was arrested trying to smuggle 18 illegal Peruvian titi monkeys into the Mexico City Airport. Hm, a human smuggling contraband in his clothes in Mexico. We wonder where they were headed next. (By “wonder,” we mean “know exactly.”)

As fun as it is to snort coke off of titis, especially off those belonging to strippers, you are abetting a horrible trade and aiding the enemy in the War on Animals.

What about one with a fainting disorder?

In his election night speech, President-elect Barack Obama said that he would keep his promise to his daughters that if he won the presidency, he would get them a dog. (And if he lost, sorry girls! Daddy’s only a senator and can’t afford such frills!)

We saw last week how presidential dogs can be a threat to our First Amendment rights. Even so, the press has been in a tizzy about what kind of breed the family will get when it moves into the White House. Here at SG, we hope it’s the type of breed that doesn’t have its own online Christmas special every year, but the people of Peru have a suggestion of their own.

They want the Obamas to adopt their national dog. The dog is from Peru and it is hairless, but still it has the misleading name Peruvian Hairless Dog. The breed was given to Inca kings and is apparently great for kids with allergies, like Malia Obama, 10. The one good thing about it is that it doesn’t have teeth, so journalists would be safe.

The latest from the field of medicine

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we care about our readers’ health, mostly because there are so few of them and we can’t afford to lose any. With that touching thought in mind, we have two important pieces of medical advice for you today:

Did you know that metal objects, while they may be tasty treats, can actually be bad for you? It’s true! While an excellent source of iron (HAR!), assorted metal objects can be harmful to one’s tummy. Doctors in Peru recently announced this medical breakthrough after removing knives, nails, screws, a watch, some barbed wire and other scrumptious shiny objects from a man’s stomach. Also bad for you: standing near a magnet after eating a meal like that.

Lasers are bad, too–not to eat, that’s perfectly fine. But it turns out lasers may not be good for your eyes, so stop staring at your optic mouse right now! Some ravers in Moscow are now partially blind because the laser show burned their retinas (retinae?), which, this blog understands, is not a good thing. However, listening to loud electronic music while on illicit substances is A-OK, kids!

For more expert advice, be sure to turn your head and cough for Dr. Snee.