Texas in panic amidst “feral hog apocalypse”

As if living in Texas wasn’t bad enough, residents now have to be worried about feral pigs overrunning society as they know it. That’s not hyperbole, that’s the state government’s position.

The feral pig situation in Texas is so bad that state Agriculture Secretary Sid Miller cited concerns about a coming “feral hog apocalypse” as a reason to take drastic measures to fight off the swine. Miller approved the use of a pesticide to combat the exploding wild hog population. The decision has drawn criticism from hunters, but that’s probably because they want to see society collapse so they can live out their survivalist wet dreams.

And for the record, secretary, a pig-related end-of-the-world scenario is called an “aporkalypse.”

Bees getting buzzed

Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.
Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

You don’t know where that bed bug’s been, but his sister does

If you thought bed bugs are gross, get ready to declare a jihad on them: one of their keys to spreading so quickly is that they’re inbreeders.

Researchers discovered that not only do bed bugs inbreed, but they’re also pretty much immune to all the nasty genetic side effects. This enables a single pregnant female to establish a colony, while her offspring go sex nuts in the floorboards with each other.

And the scariest part — aside from the resemblance to the B-story from The Godfather Part III — is that their inbreeding makes them more resistant to pesticides. So: no hemophilia and they’re stronger.

The next step in this research is to apply it to humans. Namely, how are there so many country music fans when nobody farms or herds cattle anymore?

New moms won’t freak out about this at all

You might think that pregnant moms have enough on their plates to worry about, and that adding unavoidable fears won’t help them. You are wrong.

Moms now need to worry about about exposure to pesticides, which can lower their baby’s IQ and are found on every food they need to eat for a healthy pregnancy. In solidarity with our media brothers and sisters,  The Guys have helpfully assembled a list of other substances that can lower your baby’s IQ:

  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade
  • The Situation
  • Sound waves of Sarah Palin’s voice
  • Kentucky
  • Paradigm shifts
  • Korn

So, there you go. Avoid those things and you might not have a stupid(er) baby.*

*SeriouslyGuys reserves the right to declare any human being that has not mastered language, potty training, locomotion, sleeping on its back and feeding itself stupid. If you disagree, feel free to update your Facebook page in protest.

Apple not in the pesticide business … yet

This time it isn’t an employee falling off a roof or out of a window. This time, it’s pesticide.

Foxconn, the world’s largest manufacturer of electronics, is responsible for assembling the Xbox 360, the PS3, the Wii, the iPhone and more. Another thing it’s famous for: the death of its employees by suicide, along with “alleged” pressuring by industry giants regarding their products.

After 250 workers at the company’s Chennai, India plant were hospitalized, Foxconn had no choice but to shut the facility down. Workers experienced what has been described as “sensations of giddiness and nausea”. According to Foxconn, this “may have been caused by the routine spraying of pesticide at the production facility.” Whoops.

Out of the 250 hospitalized workers, 28 are still in the hospital. The plant is responsible for mobile phone parts.

For Bryan McBournie, it might be more prudent to exclaim, “Where Is Your Clean Air Now?”