Now we have a huge new rat to worry about

Rats are just about the worst thing on the planet. They are big, ugly things that get into everything and can’t really be stopped. Plus, they carry diseases, like that time they killed a third of Europe with the plague. So good luck, everyone, we have new species of rat, and it’s huge.

Researchers have discovered a rat four times the size of the ones you’re used to seeing. It’s got teeth so big it can crack coconuts. The only good news here is that it’s confined to the Solomon Islands, which means there’s a chance we can keep this nasty species isolated.

Then again, rats are so common around the world because they snuck onto ships centuries ago. So we’re probably doomed.

Katy Perry: Bioterrorist

Australian crops have still not recovered from the great frog invasion of 1995.
Australian crops have still not recovered from the great frog invasion of 1995.

If you read this blog, you’re probably a huge Katy Perry fan. So we don’t need to tell you that her newest album, “Prism,” debuted last month. However, it caused a biosecurity alarm in Australia.

The country’s Department of Agriculture grew concerned after finding out that Perry’s album contained seed paper, which she encouraged her fans to plant so that flowers could grow. The problem is, that can let in some invasive plant species, or even pests from other countries. After several calls were made, it was determined that the Australian-made albums were fine, but the imports had to be pulled from the market.

The Australian government has a standing order to shoot down her plane on sight when her tour arrives.

You’re losing sleep over more than just itchiness

No one likes a bed bug. They ugly, they’re nasty, they make you itch and even worse, they’re the color of communism.

We refuse to have that stand in the United States of America.

Unfortunately, bed bugs appear to be more than just a nuisance to your body-they’re also rough on the wallet. According to one researcher, the monsters are actually tougher to kill than ever before. What does that mean for you? More hours for the exterminator to kill the buggers (no pun intended-okay, pun intended), which in turn means a bigger drain on your wallet. Frankly, that’s not exactly something that mild mannered citizen needs in this rough economy. How about giving us a break, huh Mister Super Exterminator Warrior?

Who would have thought that this war would be so costly?