Welcome back to the internet. Not you, I was talking to myself. During the holiday break, I did my best to avoid it, but I mostly focused on avoiding the news. I did a pretty good job, too. There was plenty of TV to watch and friends and family to interact with, and it seemed like everyone was on a week-long bender. Why not join them?
But despite my best efforts, some headlines still snuck into my awareness. I’d say it’s mostly because of social media and the various newsreader apps I have on my phone. This lead me to largely just read headlines and move on. Not only did this save me a lot of stress, it also kept me free to make some snap judgments on the headlines I saw.
Guys, I’m about to write something weird. I want you to know that this is, in fact, Rick Snee, and I have written the next statement with a clear mind and of my own free will.
PETA is right about something.
I know. It’s completely out of character for me to ever agree with them. We disagree at even the most basic level. For instance, PETA says it’s wrong to eat meat, and I say they have “pet” and “eat” in their names, so that’s a mixed message.
Ahoy, mateys! Everyone knows a pirate’s best friend on a long voyage be his right hand, unless it’s a hook and then it’s the left. To cash in on this, PETA will be launching a pornographic Web site once the .xxx domain be available come Decemberrrr.
The site will feature buxom lasses doing wenchy things, followed by graphic footage of animal abuse. The Guys think this be a fine plan, PETA, if ye goal be to train the next generation of Internet masturrrrbators to maintain erections during animal suffering.
PETA: the terrorist organization that you can’t live with them, the terrorist organization you can definitely live without them. That’s probably the attitude that Dodge shares with us. A recent commercial by them had the company dress a chimpanzee up like Evil Knievel. We have no problem humiliating animals by putting them in funny outfits for the benefit of laughter, especially when they are performing a task for us.
But no, PETA felt that was far too much. Why should an animal do a job for us? As such, they began the most terrifying of actions: a letter-writing campaign.
However, Dodge magnanimously decided to respond back to said campaign.
Dodge apparently got PETA’s message and decided to have a little fun. They made another similar commercial touting an upcoming summer clearance sale, only this time, instead of a monkey, they cast … drumroll, please … an invisible monkey.
Don’t worry PETA. You don’t have to worry about any invisible monkeys being injured. But man oh man, is PETIS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Invisible Simians) gonna be pissed.
Our boys are fighting bravely all over the world, including in our own backyards and crawlspaces. Remember: buy bacon, or you’re a damn dirty ape!
And now, briefs from the War on Animals.
Connecticut authorities have locked up two goats in the state prison, sentencing them to hard labor. The goats were turned in by farmers who didn’t want them anymore, probably for domestic terrorist attacks against their cans.
“I refuse to speak to old friends who, even when they know how it is produced, are prepared to overlook the suffering for self-gratification,” he writes. “My wife Christina feels just the same. No creature deserves to be treated as these birds are for our delectation.”
Moore joined forces with the terrorist organization known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals three years ago to narrate a video about foie gras production. Some people would say that this would be where his career slipped. We would agree. Moore contends the birds are force-fed the human equivalent of 45 pounds of pasta a day to fatten their livers. Frankly, that sounds like a delicious way to die.
We’ve been telling you about how the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games are going to be a little different because of the PETA/Canada sealcontroversy. Well, it seems England is not to be outdone by one of her Commonwealths (Commonwealves?).
In the summer of 2012, the world’s top athletes will head to London (England) for another Olympiad. The only thing is, they’ll be competing on an ancient burial ground. Forty-five severed skulls were found in the ground on a road that is being built for the new Olympic complex, and they may date back to the first century AD, when the Romans were in town.
So let’s get ready for the Haunted Olympics! Say, has anyone reserved that title, I smell a made-for-TV movie!
We think of Canada as a bunch of wusses, but in reality, they are downright scary. Luckily for us, they are also our closestallies.
PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) and other traitorous organizations have sharply criticized Canada for its annual seal hunt. The groups fail to see the reason baby seals must be killed. Perhaps they would better understand if a baby seal snuck into their house at night and dragged off their children. It happens in Canada all the time.
In an act of defiance to all critics, a Canadian official gutted a freshly-killed seal, pulled out its heart and ate it raw. If that’s not a clear message, this blog has no idea what is. The official was actually Governor General Michaelle Jean. A governor general is like the Queen’s representative to England’s territories, so basically it’s like Queen Elizabeth herself ate the heart. Good show!
The heart-eating was not just to make our enemies think that Canada is bats&$t insane, but it was a message that, and this is true, traditional seal hunting is indeed humane.
“After eating the heart during a stop in Nunavut’s Rankin Inlet, Jean wiped her blood-soaked fingers with a tissue.”
A lot of you were on the Michael Vick-hating bandwagon two years ago. I know, because I was one of you. It was easy to despise the man for organizing the dog fighting ring, and killing the animals the way that he did. What Vick did was inexcusable, and he deserved everything that he got.
For me, it was a little bit easier to turn on Vick. I never liked him. His arrogance and brashness never came across as confidence, they came across as selfish pride to a man that believed he was entitled to everything he was given. Now that all of that has been taken away from him, it is easy for me to be on his side. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Every Vick has its day