Tag: peta

PETA doesn’t care about Cannibal Corpse

Terrorist group PETA has unleashed their latest demand, this time on legendary British pop duo, The Pet Shop Boys.

PETA has threatened the Pet Shop Boys with … well, the article doesn’t say, so it must be so terrible that it cannot be mentioned. Maybe it’s a national security issue? Anyway, something bad will happen if they do not change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys.

A political gesture, PETA believes that the reference to pet shops in their names provides a friendly face to the pet shop industry, which they claim is responsible for “cramped, filthy” cages used by breeders to keep their livestock in.

(We eat dogs, cats and chinchillas, right?)

Fortunately for us, the animal warriors, the Pet Shop Boys have refused their demands and have even posted their threats on their Web site for all to read. Oh, Pet Shop Boys, be careful. These are dangerous times!

Leeeeee-roy Clubbings!

Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one with the Cheetos-dust covered fingers and the addiction to Wow!

No, the other one. No, the other other one. OK, fine, whatever, all of you.

PETA wants you. They’ve decided that Canadian seal slaughter has gone on long enough, and rather than chain every single member of the terrorist animal rights terrorist (sorry, I had it right the first time) group to an iceberg, they instead will take their protest signs and paint to a digital front-the land of Warcraft.

A call to arms was placed on PETA’s official blog for this weekend, asking people to take part in a fight against four Horde players that apparently kill seals for their luxurious fur. Their soft, sweet, delicately luxurious baby seal fur.

“Thrall refused to ban the slaughter of seals, despite multiple requests from the Alliance to do so, because Orgrimmar stands to make a large profit from the fur,” reads the posting.
“Activists from across the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor are banding together to put a stop to the atrocious seal slaughter. Anyone who slaughters baby seals for their fur must surely be in service to the evil Lich King.”

Good googaly-moogaly, this is good. Like, super-nerdy-ultra-lame-good. Sadly, from what I gather from friends, PETA did not choose a Player versus Player server for their protest. As such, no true internet drama can be created. ALAS!

SeriouslyGuys would just like to let the Horde players being protested know that, despite being both Canadian and super nerdy, you’re very much welcome in the United States. We know that you’re just doing your part in the War against Animals to make sure that these seals don’t end up becoming monsters of the oceans.

PETA continues to stand for the rights of the cute in the face of reason

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) hates Canada. Who wouldn’t? They’re quiet, polite and well-behaved, those jerks. But now it’s become something more than just a traditional why-won’t-you-stop-putting-puppies-and-kittens-to-sleep kind of hatred. Now it’s more of a we’re-going-to-look-like-douches-on-an-international-stage kind.

That’s right, folks, PETA is going to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics because the Canadian government will not end the clubbing of baby seals. In fact, baby seal clubbing is one of the new events at the games. Just like the huge success that the human rights protests against the Beijing games were last year, (if you recall, the games were canceled and China was disgraced in the eyes of the world), PETA will use the same smarmy tactics next year.

Let’s get one thing straight: Canada is our ally in the War on Animals. They help us rid their barren country, and in turn, the world, of the vicious baby seal threat. Fact: One in every four child deaths in Canada is an attack from a baby seal.

(via Deadspin)

Please, won’t someone think of the kittens?

In other Virginia Tech related news, Michael Vick is back!

And apparently, the group that he wants to know this bit of news just doesn’t care.

PETA, the terrorists group that just won’t stop, would like a new ad. Apparently, it’s been about two months or so since they did debuted their last one. Their choice for the ad? Michael Vick.

Yeah, that Michael Vick.

It’s your classic tale of quid pro quo. Vick gives PETA their ad, PETA endorses Vick’s return to the NFL, it’s how the world works. Welllllll, someone in their marketing department just remembered who he was. Now, PETA is saying no. Actually, they’re saying more than just no. They’re also saying that Vick should be given a psychiatric evaluation.

The gross irony of the situation?

Daphna Nachminovitch, with PETA said, “We’re not interested in being part of a cynical ploy that’s nothing but public relations.”

Because with pamphlets with titles like “Your Mommy Kills Animals!”, their main concern is clearly not public awareness, but public relations.

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Cut for the good of the world

It is imperative that we all remember that the enemy is all around us, as are species traitors. However, unlike our animal enemies, human species traitors are willing to go to far more extremes than any rational animal would.

Take the case of Jennifer Thornburg, formerly just your average human being, Thornburg joined known terrorist group PETA. After that, her life took a turn for the worst. Presumably she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and now she has officially changed her name to CutOutDissection.com (we don’t hyperlink to terrorists).

Obviously, the site is against dissecting animals, because cutting open a dead animal to learn more about how it works is far too painful for the recently passed animal, who just happens to be dead. Folks, we need to fight extremist like this. It is every American’s God-given right to hunt down, kill, dissect, eat, make into clothing, or stuff and keep as a trophy. More so, it is our right to fight an enemy that plots our destruction. High school biology students: pay no attention to the left-wing surrenderists, you’re doing a great job and we all support your sacrifice.

You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s go extinct on The Discovery Channel

In a fair warning to all of our readers, the animals have located us. Bryan McBournie and I were nearly attacked by a group of three deer heading towards my car just outside of my apartment. Now, we were fortunate enough to stave off the attack, however, it appears that the inevitable hands-on combat will begin shortly.

In related news on the war front, we’re winning the battles, AND the war. A recent study has shown that one in four mammals on the planet are at risk of becoming extinct, while one in two species on the planet are in a decline in population.

So give us your worst, animals. PETA can only protect you for so long.

Suspected llama causes accident probably on purpose

We all know that we are at war with animals, but did you know that in Kansas it is illegal to be a llama? Yes, finally a state has stepped up where the federal government has not, in declaring illegal the state of being an animal, quieting adding species after species to the list.

One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.

That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:

Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.

That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.

The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.

Awwwwwww!

WARNING: This video from CNN contains footage of the two most adorable little puppy dogs you’ll see all day …

… as they’re hauled off by police for killing a two-month-old baby.

One suspect is a small pug, but the primary suspect is a six-month-old black lab, who loves being hand-carried, kisses and the blood of the innocent. Neither has fessed up to the crime, yet, but police have not ruled out enhanced interrogation techniques like blowing in their faces while they lick the air.

They’re not so cute now, eh PETA?

This little piggy got popped

While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.

In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.

And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.