Your pets are swiping your booze, vets say

If you pour a glass of something, make sure you finish it. It’s common decency, and it could save a life, according to vets in the U.K.

There are awful people out there who don’t finish the drink you made for them, and your dogs are literally booze hounds. Vets say that pets are more likely to get alcohol poisoning this time of year by drinking unattended or abandoned drinks at parties you host. So make sure your guests gulp down every last sip before you allow them to leave.

Also, teach your dogs and cats that they are not allowed to drink until they are 21 human years old.

Parrot jerk nearly gets owner arrested

If animals can’t kill or injure you, they will try to ruin your life by getting you arrested. It’s just a fact.

Police in Ontario responded to a man’s house after neighbors reported sounds of a domestic disturbance going on inside. You know it’s bad when your neighbors can hear your argument. What they found they weren’t prepared for.

Authorities said they found the man inside his house screaming death threats at his pet parrot. The man had apparently had a few drinks, and told the officers that the parrot had been yelling at him, and he was simply responding in kind. But of course, the parrot kept its mouth shit around the officers. Luckily, the man wasn’t charged.

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

Nevada considering pot for pets, your dog wants to go to Vegas

The War on Drugs and the War on Animals have a rare meeting in this one.

The Nevada state legislature is considering allowing you to get your pets high. A state senator introduced an amendment to a larger bill, that essentially means your pet can have pot, you know, for “medicinal purposes.”

Folks, weakening our animal foes with vice is one thing, but pets are a different category. Our pets are lazy as it is. And you think your dog chews up everything in the house now? Just wait until Fido’s got the munchies. How are you even going to feed them this stuff? Have you ever tried to give a cat any medication? And you know you can’t give dogs brownies.

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.

One man’s pet is another man’s apetizer

If you think what the Swiss do to puppies and kitties is wrong, you should see what they do when they're not allowed to hunt them anymore.
If you think what the Swiss do to puppies and kitties is wrong, you should see what they do when they’re not allowed to hunt them anymore.

Swiss animal rights activists are lobbying whatever passes for government in Neutral Chocolateland to ban the cooking and eating of dogs and cats. That’s right: if you ever wondered how a country could hide Nazi treasure and sleep at night, it is from the itis that sets in after grinding dogs into sausage and serving cats for Christmas. (Just 23 days left until your fancy feast, so hang in there, baby!)

If you’re a stranger to the site, then you probably expect us to follow the usual Twitter/Tumblr/Mommy Blogging line of eating pets is wrong. Wrong. We are at war with animals. We have always been at war with animals. And we will always be at war with animals because they are dangerous and tasty, like a stripper in withdrawal carrying a switchblade.

That’s why we are breaking ranks with our fellow Social Media Justice Warriors to say that it is dangerous to simply stop eating an animal just because somebody somewhere is cuddled up with one right now by a warm fire. Or luring it out of a Christmas tree. What’s next? Not eating ponies, just because little girls have a hard-on for them? Neigh to not eating animals, we say. Not meow, not ever.

Talk to your pets about drugs before someone else does

A lot of people may think that Obamacare is bad, but treatment for animals may end up being far, far worse if veterinarian Doug Kramer gets his way.

He says that dogs should be allowed to have doses of marijuana, like they need to be high to chase their tails. Kramer said that he gave his dog weed when it was suffering from a terminal form of cancer, and in no time, she had a spring in her step and continued to enjoy her life, even if she did eat all of the Cheetos in the house.

What’s worse, he says cats and other animals could also see the benefits of marijuana. No thanks, Dr. Kramer. If our pets want to have drug habits, they can get a job and pay for it themselves.

Animals take a back seat in Illinois

Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.

A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.

We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.

Take it from Snee: Playing god on a budget

While some of us may have been born into wealth and power, and even fewer of us may claw our way up the ladder to it, the rest of us have to get by with what little material success we’ve scraped together. So, how does one feel better about their station? By applying their arbitrary rules to some self-made underling, usually children.

But, children are expensive. They eat, they break things and they refuse to get a job to pay for either. And of those who do work? Even renting children as actors costs millions of dollars once they get their SAG card.

That’s why I’ve come up with this list of non-children to homeschool into your own slightly-less-than-divine image. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Playing god on a budget

Man’s tastiest friend

China has long been a friend in the War on Animals, with a lax, if non-existent climate change policy, and the will to crush any who oppose the desecration of the environment. But now, things are taking a wrong turn.

The Chinese government, which we imagine to be a large room filled with portraits of Chairman Mao, is considering a law banning eating dog meat. People could be sent to prison for 15 days if they ate it. When it comes to sandwiches, we’re not huge on dog, or many other pets (aside from horses), but we recognize the importance of elimination.

First they go after Google, now this. Is China losing its mind?